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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who was in the wrong - him or me?

36 replies

youcantchoosethem · 27/09/2022 21:30

Long day working for both of us. Back to back meetings all day for me and rushing to even fit in a wee during the day. After work I cooked dinner - I really fancied a “proper” dinner as was cold and did sausages, veg and proper gravy. After dinner he offered to bath the dog as she had been itching like mad despite having her regular treatments, which was helpful whilst I cleaned up the kitchen, loaded the dishwasher and some more washing up - as quite a lot that couldn’t go in the dishwasher. I offered a cup of tea and prepped that. He didn’t want any dessert and I had some cream and meringues to use up so made myself a quick pud and sat down with my pud and book whilst he was still bathing the dog. He then shouted downstairs for me to come and get the hairdryer out. I called up - it’s where it usually is - he shouted back down not sure what then shouted don’t worry - so I stayed down. I had no more than 10 mins on my own just having a brief moment. He came back down then complained that I hadn’t even bothered to help him with the dog/hairdryer and instead had chosen to sit and read a book - how dare I! I was furious and said don’t put that guilt on me - I’ve not stopped all day and I was having 10 mins eating a pudding you didn’t want! Still humpy about it and so is he. Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Robertplantgoddess · 27/09/2022 21:34

Neither of you and both of you tbh.

RockItLikeRocketFuel · 27/09/2022 21:36

Utterly trivial. Next time count to 10 before posting.

Original poster
youcantchoosethem · 27/09/2022 21:42

Agree it is totally trivial - sometimes disagreements are but it felt that no matter what else I’ve done all day I don’t even have the right to 10 mins to stop and have a moment and that my time is therefore not valued. Just venting!

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 27/09/2022 21:45

No he’s being unreasonable. It drives me mad when someone can’t do a job themselves because they ‘need help’ looking for something, which as a functioning adult they shouldn’t need a handhold for.

Midnights · 27/09/2022 21:49

50/50 but overall non issue?

Sometimes a helping hand when bathing a dog is a god send! Sometimes a sit down after a long day with 10 minutes of peace is. I don't think anyone is being unreasonable in particular, I'd be annoyed momentarily if I'd asked my DH to grab something for me to help out and he just told me where it was whilst reading a book and eating a pud - I'd also be momentarily annoyed if after a long day, cooking a meal and cleaning a kitchen my ten minutes of peace was interrupted by questions about a hairdryer 😂 I see myself in both situations 😬 I think as long as no one is making a big deal then no one is in the wrong!

Blowyourowntrumpet · 27/09/2022 21:54

You prepped a cup of tea?

You're both being petty

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 27/09/2022 21:55

I think we need more detail.

CatGrins · 27/09/2022 21:56

You're both just tired, make up and don't sweat the small stuff.

Atovell · 27/09/2022 21:58

Learn to pick your battles - this one probably is not worth it.

Discovereads · 27/09/2022 22:01

I don’t understand why you couldn’t have taken up the hairdryer? I get he shouldn’t have forgotten it and had it before getting the dog soaking wet (long days can make us forget things from fatigue). But when you’re in the midst of dog washing, and you are like oh shit I forgot the hair dryer….it would have taken you less than a minute to grab it and run it to him. Your shouting up “it’s where it usually is” is so unhelpful and would have fucked me right off.

Thats probably why he was upset tbh. He hadn’t stopped all day too, and you were done before him. 1 minute to get a hair dryer to him is all he asked for.

gamerchick · 27/09/2022 22:14

If he had finished his chore before you finished yours, would he have come and helped?

namechange30455 · 27/09/2022 22:29

I think you were a bit of a passive-aggressive dick to shout "it's where it usually is" when he asked you to get him something, but:

  1. Did he ask rudely?
  2. Does he have form for not knowing where things live because you're the only person who tidies them away?
  3. Does he have form for being poorly prepared to do chores and then have to get you to step in to help?

If the answer to any of those is yes than YANBU.

Original poster
youcantchoosethem · 27/09/2022 22:49

To be fair he does help out a fair bit and will cook for me other times too but will also often prioritise his needs as more important than mine - if I’m already doing something in the kitchen for example and he has to get a bowl now then he won’t wait until I’ve finished even a few seconds.

To answer other queries - The hairdryer was in the same room he was - upstairs. I was downstairs at the back of the house. The hairdryer has lived plugged in to the same plug for the past six years. Yes it is my hairdryer - he is bald - but he sees me use it regularly and always in the same place. Yes totally petty but after a long day it was just a frustration and knowing that I then had to start again sorting washing, drying, clothes for tomorrow and a bath myself (with new water - not the dogs water!) for another early start tomorrow it just felt that he was wanting me to feel guilty that I had prioritised my own space for 10 mins! Totally petty I agree!

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 27/09/2022 22:50

Not petty, surely just factual?

Original poster
youcantchoosethem · 27/09/2022 22:50

Sorry @gamerchick no not usually. I often am running around finishing something else and he’s sitting on the sofa on his phone

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 27/09/2022 22:50

I mean reminding him where the hairdryer was.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2022 22:55

I'm assuming the dog is a regular member of your household op? Is this the first time he's bathed the dog?

BigChesterDraws · 27/09/2022 23:43

It’s all very petty. Listing your activities like they’re the 12 Labours of Hercules but not his. People do that to be petty.

After a full day of work, I’d chose making “real gravy” and “prepping a cup of tea” (so that’s mixing some Bisto powder and putting a tea bag in a mug) over bathing a dog. And I’m a dog lover.

Happenchance · 27/09/2022 23:51

Totally missing the point of the thread but a hairdryer could irritate your dog's skin and make them even more itchy.

ViviPru · 27/09/2022 23:53

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 27/09/2022 21:55

I think we need more detail.

😆

Beyondshit · 27/09/2022 23:55

He 'offered' to bath the dog. He 'helps' around the house. Yabu for talking about him like he's a child! Yabu for talking about prepping a tea and too much detail on meringues and cream... H is BU for not finding the hair dryer on his own.

Ya both U for being huffy about this non issue.

LicoricePizza · 28/09/2022 00:52

He sounds quite needy IMO. You were saying basically you’re capable of getting hairdryer yourself & because you didn’t get it for him he got annoyed.
Yanbu

Natty13 · 28/09/2022 00:56

Pud.

YABU for that and for being a martyr.

TooHotToRamble · 28/09/2022 00:57

How do you "prep" a cup of tea?

TooHotToRamble · 28/09/2022 01:00

Why do you describe his contribution to household chores as "offering" and "helping"? That suggests they are your responsibility and everything he does is just helping you out.