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Original poster

Husband didn't block other woman

29 replies

justinekems · 27/09/2022 19:44

My best friend's husband had an affair for 8 months with his longtime friend. Apparently he is refusing to block her (the OW) after she asked stating the friendship is of importance given the length of time they have been friends, but has offered an open phone policy and proof of no contact. I don't think it's unreasonable for her to ask that he cut contact/block forever? I guess this is triggering for me having gone through something similar and in my case; my (now ex) husband just got sneakier about his shady ways.

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 27/09/2022 19:45

Definitely unreasonable. He should have thought about the effect on the long term friendship before he started shagging her

donttellmehesalive · 27/09/2022 20:04

No, I wouldn't put up with that. Smug bastard just expects her to accept it? He's rather confident. I'd boot him out just to see the cocky bastard squirm. Well, what he's probably do is run to his friend.

Atovell · 27/09/2022 22:06

He needs to block her and focus on mending his marriage. If he doesn’t, he obviously doesn’t want to fix it

piegone · 27/09/2022 22:15

I don't think it's unreasonable for her to ask that he cut contact/block forever?

It is unreasonable to control someone in such a way. She needs to get rid of him. You can't spend you life controlling who your partner has contact with for fear of them cheating.

donttellmehesalive · 28/09/2022 03:27

piegone · 27/09/2022 22:15

I don't think it's unreasonable for her to ask that he cut contact/block forever?

It is unreasonable to control someone in such a way. She needs to get rid of him. You can't spend you life controlling who your partner has contact with for fear of them cheating.

I expect it was a condition for her to begin to forgive him and move past the affair, to know that he wouldn't contact ow again. I don't think that's controlling really, just a devastated woman trying to preserve her sanity and her relationship. But I agree that she should end it. If he won't cut contact, he still cares about ow.

NuffSaidSam · 28/09/2022 03:32

I think your friend is an idiot for taking him back in the first place. Whether or not he blocks this woman now is the least of her problems tbh.

piegone · 28/09/2022 05:09

I expect it was a condition for her to begin to forgive him and move past the affair, to know that he wouldn't contact ow again. I don't think that's controlling really, just a devastated woman trying to preserve her sanity and her relationship. But I agree that she should end it. If he won't cut contact, he still cares about ow.

I understand why. I'm saying it's no way for her to live. But you cannot deny its controlling.

AgentJohnson · 28/09/2022 05:17

This shouldn’t be a point of discussion, his reluctance says it all. Your friend has to decide if this poor excuse of a husband is worth the angst. Never prioritise someone who treats you like an option.

donttellmehesalive · 28/09/2022 06:46

"I understand why. I'm saying it's no way for her to live. But you cannot deny its controlling."

I feel that labelling it as controlling implies that she has done something wrong by expecting it. It is a minimum expectation after an affair and recommended by relate when trying to recover. It is an expectation for normal, decent behaviour. But I agree that, in this scenario, she will spend her life policing it and it is no way to live.

Hearthnhome · 28/09/2022 06:55

To be fair, at least he is being honest and saying he won’t block. Plenty of cheaters block them unblock at will. So if their partner checks, they are blocked but when they leave the house they will unblock.

He will definitely be one of those.

Blocking doesn’t really prove anything

girlmom21 · 28/09/2022 06:59

He'll just get better at hiding things.

Feelingconfused2020 · 28/09/2022 07:06

All my experience tells me that he will do it again with this woman or maybe another woman and the fact that he won't even stop speaking to this woman shows he has no respect for his wife. She needs to get rid and move on to someone. Everyone deserves to be loved and respected by their partner.

RedHelenB · 28/09/2022 07:09

Time for him to choose. But I think the fact he wants to maintain contact shows that his infidelity isn't a big deal to him.

ParentallyUnprepared · 28/09/2022 07:18

He's showing which one is more important to him.

GabriellaMontez · 28/09/2022 07:32

If this is one of the terms of her forgiving him and moving on, but he can't even do that. She needs to leave him.

Because he's already shown a total lack of respect and continues to do so.

Lunabun · 28/09/2022 07:44

piegone · 28/09/2022 05:09

I expect it was a condition for her to begin to forgive him and move past the affair, to know that he wouldn't contact ow again. I don't think that's controlling really, just a devastated woman trying to preserve her sanity and her relationship. But I agree that she should end it. If he won't cut contact, he still cares about ow.

I understand why. I'm saying it's no way for her to live. But you cannot deny its controlling.

Is it controlling to expect one's partner not to have sex with other women? I would presume you'd say no. It's a reasonable expectation within a relationship.

I think blocking the OW is also a reasonable expectation.

underneaththeash · 28/09/2022 07:50

piegone · 27/09/2022 22:15

I don't think it's unreasonable for her to ask that he cut contact/block forever?

It is unreasonable to control someone in such a way. She needs to get rid of him. You can't spend you life controlling who your partner has contact with for fear of them cheating.

You can if they had an 8 month affair with them. It's a bit like having a partner with a gambling addiction who still has gambling apps on their phone.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 28/09/2022 07:51

His wife needs to leave. He doesn’t respect her one bit

piegone · 28/09/2022 08:21

Is it controlling to expect one's partner not to have sex with other women? I would presume you'd say no. It's a reasonable expectation within a relationship.

No of course not, but I wasn't saying that was controlling. I was saying neither party in healthy relationship should have to control who the other one contacts. As in, the relationship is not worth when you get to that stage.

piegone · 28/09/2022 08:22

You can if they had an 8 month affair with them. It's a bit like having a partner with a gambling addiction who still has gambling apps on their phone.

I think managing an addiction and having to 'get' who your partner contacts in case he shags them are 2 very different things. An addiction I would try to support my DH with. Cheating? Nope. If he had an 8 month affair he wouldn't see me for dust.

piegone · 28/09/2022 08:23

Having to VET

piegone · 28/09/2022 08:25

I feel that labelling it as controlling implies that she has done something wrong by expecting it. It is a minimum expectation after an affair and recommended by relate when trying to recover.

I don't think she is in any way wrong. I'm not blaming her. I'm saying if you get to that point you have nothing. Nobody should have to live like that. I don't know a single thing about relate but if they encourage women to remain with unfaithful, disrespectful men they are not worth much imo.

Addicted2LoveIsland · 28/09/2022 08:25

If he isn't contacting her anyway why doesn't he just block and delete I don't get it?

10HailMarys · 28/09/2022 09:58

I think your friend needs to decide whether she wants to be with a man whose 'friendship' with the woman he had an eight-month affair with is more important than his marriage.

Sounds to me as if he's just keeping his options open in case he decides he wants to sleep with her again. I think your friend's being a bit of a mug to be honest.

NevieSticks · 28/09/2022 10:03

This would be an instant "off you fuck". It is disrespectful to put it mildly. They love to chat after an affair about how much they are missing each other and how shit life is now.