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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend - Threesome

35 replies

AmIBeingSillyyyy · 27/09/2022 18:01

Hello

I dont know if I have a point or just being jealous.

I have been dating a lovely man since April and we became official in May. I love him and I am excited to see what happens next. Sex is amazing on both levels - emotionally and physically. I am currently finalising my divorce and kept alot of details from him - I'm a private person (basically, I didnt tell him I was in the process of divorcing!). One evening we spoke about my situation and he told me that I can speak to him about anything as he is very open and understanding of situations... this led to him telling me that 20 odd years ago, his two friends asked him to join their relationship... which he considered but didnt have time for.

One day we were both texting and discussing sex, what we would like to try/what we like with each other, that kind of chat etc. etc. He then asked if I'd ever thought about a threesome... I said I wasnt sure and he said he would be open to it. He said it would have to be with someone we were both comfortable with and suggested that we could hire someone. He then asked if I would be okay with a girl doing things to me.. which I said that I probably wouldnt as I have never done anything with a girl before.. I asked if he would be okay watching me with another man and he said yes, if thats what I wanted. He then asked if I would be okay watching him with someone else if I could join in.. I said no and he said that we didnt need to discuss it anymore as he would only want to do it if I did blah blah blah.

I then asked if he has ever had a threesome and he said yes, 20 years ago with his two friends (well, his friend and his friends gf... then the same people who asked him to join their relationship!). He doesnt speak to them anymore, it was 20 years ago, and he is unlikely to ever see them again (they live in different countries but have mutual friends) - why am I so bothered by this :(

I guess, he is always telling me that he really fancies me, only wants me etc. but then started that conversation. I cant hold his past against him but I feel really bothered by the whole thing. He said he didnt mean the "would I be okay watching him with someone else if I could join in" comment, which is nonsense of course he did! He then said he would only want to do it if we both wanted it and he said that it never has to get mentioned ever again.

Would you be bothered by this?
If yes, what would you do?
If no, what can I do to get past this.

Thanks x

OP posts:
SadSuzie · 27/09/2022 18:03

He is clearly bi sexual if he had sex with his male friend

Original poster
AmIBeingSillyyyy · 27/09/2022 18:04

He didnt have sex with his male friend, just with the GF of his female friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIBeingSillyyyy · 27/09/2022 18:05

Sorry, last comment not right, he didbt do anything with the male friend just the female... the GF of this male friend!

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 27/09/2022 18:06

Can't you put it on sex advice, that's the right place for it.

piegone · 27/09/2022 18:07

I have been dating a lovely man since April

You have not described a lovely man. You have told us about a man who, just a few months in, is trying to normalise his fetishes.

motherofcatsandbears · 27/09/2022 18:08

I, personally, would be very upset and maybe a little offended, thinking I wasn’t enough to satisfy him.
From what I gather, it could lead to jealousy and trouble in your otherwise loving and rewarding relationship.
If you don’t want to do it, just say no, you’re not happy about the idea and don’t let him force you into something you really don’t want.
If he sill insists on trying a threesome, ditch him.

Sunnyqueen · 27/09/2022 18:09

I would read as he is already bored of me and wants another woman without risk of losing me.

Mischance · 27/09/2022 18:10

First of all, do not allow yourself to be persuaded to do anything you do not feel happy with.

Secondly, I would run a mile. He has buttered you up, got you to trust him and now he is slipping in the things he really wants. If this is just to be a casual relationship then maybe that does not matter; but you are talking about an emotional bond with him and being "official" - I think he is wanting different things from a relationship than you are and it might be best to move on before you get hurt.

Treacletoots · 27/09/2022 18:10

He wants a threesome and won't stop til he gets it, with you or with someone without your knowledge. Sorry. That's the reality, and I speak from experience. For him to bring it up so soon as well really doesn't bode well.

LuckyLil · 27/09/2022 18:11

Odd that he's a really lovely man and only fancies you but is already seeing if you'd be up for letting him invite other people into your sex life.

ICanHideButICantRun · 27/09/2022 18:11

He's going to push and push, isn't he?

If it's not your thing, I'd end the relationship.

Mostmarriedcouple · 27/09/2022 18:13

I understand that you feel hurt thinking about him with his friend and his girlfriend, but I think that is natural as you care for him and of course don’t want to picture him with other people. Our brains don’t really process thoughts with times attached to them, so you are probably hurting as if this happened recently. If it was 20 years ago, that’s a very long time. Try to think that there is worse things you could find out? I.e he still is close friends with an ex girlfriend.

it sounds to me the comment about “could you watch me with someone else” was potentially because he felt a bit hurt when you suggested going with another man. Men are silly sometimes and get hurt by the things that they have suggested.

if everything is fine and you are happy put this down to a one off blip.

Suprima · 27/09/2022 18:14

How handy that you are now official so he can suggest things like this and you don’t feel he’s trampling all over your boundaries

he doesn’t want a life partner love, he wants a swinging partner

Clymene · 27/09/2022 18:14

He's a really lovely man who is repeatedly trying to break your sexual boundaries.

Mostmarriedcouple · 27/09/2022 18:16

These comments aren’t fair. She said they were texting and speaking about things they wanted to explore. It’s pretty tame to ask about threesomes, it’s not exactly something wild. Doesn’t mean he necessarily wants one, he’s just saying he’d be up for it and got turned on speaking about it

Original poster
AmIBeingSillyyyy · 27/09/2022 18:19

We spoke later that night - he asked if I was annoyed with him speaking about a fantasy and I said yes! I said that I fear it'll come up again and I feel hurt that I am not enough this early on. He said it was only mentioned because we were talking about things we liked / wanted to try with each other. He said I have told him bluntly that I dont want to do it so we will never speak of it again as he only wants to do things that we both enjoy.

OP posts:
LuckyLil · 27/09/2022 18:19

Mostmarriedcouple · 27/09/2022 18:16

These comments aren’t fair. She said they were texting and speaking about things they wanted to explore. It’s pretty tame to ask about threesomes, it’s not exactly something wild. Doesn’t mean he necessarily wants one, he’s just saying he’d be up for it and got turned on speaking about it

He's already done it and wants to know if she'd be comfortable with it too.

FourTeaFallOut · 27/09/2022 18:19

Hire someone? 🙄

Mostmarriedcouple · 27/09/2022 18:20

20 years ago!!!

IsThePopeCatholic · 27/09/2022 18:21

‘We could hire someone’. He sounds awful, op. I’d run a mile.

Luckingfovely · 27/09/2022 18:23

I think all the pearl clutching is a bit over the top. Threesomes are an incredibly common male fantasy.

In the context of an open convo about what sex & fantasy stuff you like, I really couldn't get upset about it being mentioned, or about one incident 20 years ago, for goodness' sake.

On the other hand - if he keeps bringing it up or pressures you towards doing it, that's completely different - then run for the hills!!

Darbs76 · 27/09/2022 18:26

I agree it’s a common fantasy and it was said in context - not completely out of the blue. I guess if he sticks to his word and never mentions it again it’s not a problem. If he tries to pressure you, it’s a whole different kettle of fish

piegone · 27/09/2022 18:26

I think all the pearl clutching is a bit over the top. Threesomes are an incredibly common male fantasy.

Aww bless the poor man. All these pesky women against him. Poor poor thing.

Lockheart · 27/09/2022 18:32

It's a pretty common fantasy for men and women. In the context of an open discussion about sex and things you'd like to try, it doesn't raise any red flags that he's bringing it up. People in relationships should be able to be open with each other about their desires and past experiences.

The main thing is OP that he should never pressure you to try something you've said no to. He sounds like he's understood your boundary on this clearly by saying he will never bring it up again.

CapMarvel · 27/09/2022 18:40

If it was bought up as part of a conversation explicitly about sex, and if he means it when he says he would drop it if OP wasn't up for it then these comments are ridiculously over the top.

There is nothing inherently suspicious about a man bringing up what is an incredibly common fantasy. The issues would start - of course - if he continued to pressurise the OP into something she doesn't want to do but that's the same of anything.

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