Boyfriend - Threesome

[AmIBeingSillyyyy]

Hello

I dont know if I have a point or just being jealous.

I have been dating a lovely man since April and we became official in May. I love him and I am excited to see what happens next. Sex is amazing on both levels - emotionally and physically. I am currently finalising my divorce and kept alot of details from him - I'm a private person (basically, I didnt tell him I was in the process of divorcing!). One evening we spoke about my situation and he told me that I can speak to him about anything as he is very open and understanding of situations... this led to him telling me that 20 odd years ago, his two friends asked him to join their relationship... which he considered but didnt have time for.

One day we were both texting and discussing sex, what we would like to try/what we like with each other, that kind of chat etc. etc. He then asked if I'd ever thought about a threesome... I said I wasnt sure and he said he would be open to it. He said it would have to be with someone we were both comfortable with and suggested that we could hire someone. He then asked if I would be okay with a girl doing things to me.. which I said that I probably wouldnt as I have never done anything with a girl before.. I asked if he would be okay watching me with another man and he said yes, if thats what I wanted. He then asked if I would be okay watching him with someone else if I could join in.. I said no and he said that we didnt need to discuss it anymore as he would only want to do it if I did blah blah blah.

I then asked if he has ever had a threesome and he said yes, 20 years ago with his two friends (well, his friend and his friends gf... then the same people who asked him to join their relationship!). He doesnt speak to them anymore, it was 20 years ago, and he is unlikely to ever see them again (they live in different countries but have mutual friends) - why am I so bothered by this :(

I guess, he is always telling me that he really fancies me, only wants me etc. but then started that conversation. I cant hold his past against him but I feel really bothered by the whole thing. He said he didnt mean the "would I be okay watching him with someone else if I could join in" comment, which is nonsense of course he did! He then said he would only want to do it if we both wanted it and he said that it never has to get mentioned ever again.

Would you be bothered by this?
If yes, what would you do?
If no, what can I do to get past this.

Thanks x

This.

I’d be more bothered about the fact he’s the type who would pay for sex.

He said he'd drop any sexual suggestion that you weren't enthusiastic about. Now that you've been clear that any kind of threesome is a no, it's reasonable to expect that he won't bring it up again, and a red flag if he does. Next time, speak up right away if he suggests something you're not happy and comfortable to try.

I'd treat the past threesome like any of his past relationships - none of it reflects his feelings for you, and if threesomes were some kind of necessity for him he wouldn't have waited 20 years. (As a side note, I'm not sure if I didnt tell him I was in the process of divorcing means he thought you were intending to stay married or that he didn't know you were married, but either way the relationship wasn't mongamous, so I wouldn't expect him to act as if it were. That may have changed if your divorce is final and he knows the truth now.)

The suggestion to pay for sex would be a dealbreaker for me, but your boundaries may be completely different.

This, with bells on. It wouldn't bother me in the context of the conversation - you were discussing things openly about things you'd both like to try sexually. It's a fairly straightforward conversation most couples have now. The pearl clutching on this board will do you no favours OP, I'd relocate this to the Sex board.

My partner broached the threesome subject with me when we were first dating. He also suggested swinging. I told him flat out it wasn’t for me and I didn’t like the idea. We did later try going to a well known S&M club night to see if I liked it and I wanted to leave after about 10 minutes. It just wasn’t my cup of tea. He respected my feelings and we never discussed any of these things again. I didn’t hold it against him for being open and suggesting things. I wouldn’t have liked it if he had kept pressurising me though. I think you need to make your feelings clear and go from there.

@LuckyLil and?

So what if he has already had one and is interested in finding up out whether the OP would be up for it

That's pretty common when initiating relationships, to discuss what you're into, what you've done before and would be open to trying again etc.

You’re probably sexually incompatible if it’s not your thing, and I’d feel the same as you - it’s coming across like you’re not enough for him and he’s likely to keep trying to persuade you. After only dating since April this is big of a red flag to me.

Don’t give in to him if you don’t want to! It’s very dangerous and could lead to insecurity and resentment.

If he keeps mentioning it I’d call it a day. It’s just greedy to me!

And I’m speaking from personal experience, it usually gets brought up more than once in the hope you might change your mind, even if several months/years later. It’s a burning desire, and he’s clearly definitely into it if he’s done it before.

I'm not generally one to kink shame anybody, I think what consenting adults choose to do is fine as long as it isn't affecting or hurting anyone else. I think that when you start a new relationship you have a period of working out each others boundaries and preferences and this also applies to the bedroom. I think as long as he's brought it up respectfully and has accepted that it's a hard no for you and has since dropped it is fair enough. There's things my dh would like to do that we've talked about that I'm not cool with so we don't do those things and he doesn't continue to bring it up and vice versa. I think what matters is how emotionally safe you feel around him, how respected you feel around him and how he treats you. If he continues to bring up this fantasy/kink shame you/otherwise try to pressure you then he would be bang out of order. But in the context of the convo you had I don't see anything alarming.