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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

controlling/narcissist dh

44 replies

unhappyqueen · 27/09/2022 16:41

Hi everybody, first time posting. I’m so stressed out! I’m been married to my dh for 15 years. Met him when I was 17 and he was 15 years older than me.it was love at first sight honestly he was the perfect man for me. He was kind and generous and so loving. I married and had kids and in that time he has become a nightmare!!! He’s controlling in what I wear, what I eat, where I go. I’ve never gave him the reason to be like this. I have been loyal for all these years! He’s a complete narcissist blames me for everything that goes wrong, I’m young and dumb and constantly belittled. I can’t believe this is my life. I’m not allowed go out without his permission and even if I do he will constantly call me and text me so he keeps me on edge. I know I’m in a abusive marriage but I’m stuck! Before the kids he has hit me few times which I forgave him for. Im Now working part time from home and every month my wage comes in he transfers it to his account and I have to ask if if I can buy something. I have no friends and family to turn to I’m all alone. I don’t even know why I’m messaging but I just need a friend tonight as he’s in a bad mood.

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 27/09/2022 16:48

How old are your children? Do you have any other family - parents, siblings?

You need to speak to Women's Aid for advice I think. You clearly can't stay in his relationship and your children should not grow up thinking this is the norm.

Topseyt123 · 27/09/2022 16:56

Women's Aid, I think. Give them a call. You need to get out of this relationship, taking your children with you.

This man is physically, emotionally and financially abusive. You don't want your children growing up to think that this is a normal way to be treated in a relationship. You also need to avoid them being damaged by the abuse they are seeing around them (they will be aware of more than you might think).

Don't try to convince yourself that he is a fantastic Dad either, because he isn't. He's a shit one because he abuses the mother of his children.

Original poster
unhappyqueen · 27/09/2022 17:20

He claims he loves me yet gets a joy of me shaking when he’s up in my face, throws things at me, calls me every name under the sun. I never have shouted back at him or even dare to say he’s wrong. He’s a big lad

OP posts:
thisisscary · 27/09/2022 17:30

Contact women's aid. They will help you. There's a chat feature on their website as well as a "quick exit" button. You need to get you and your kids away from this abusive bastard. There is help out there and there is a way out.

KangarooKenny · 27/09/2022 17:31

He is abusive. Ducks in a row time.
‘Who is paid the child benefit ?

Topseyt123 · 27/09/2022 17:32

unhappyqueen · 27/09/2022 17:20

He claims he loves me yet gets a joy of me shaking when he’s up in my face, throws things at me, calls me every name under the sun. I never have shouted back at him or even dare to say he’s wrong. He’s a big lad

You need to carefully plan your exit. Without telling him or he will probably get worse.

That is why you need advice from Women's Aid.

Do you have any friends or family you can confide in, and who you could stay with until you can get back on your own feet?

Itemremovedfromthebaggingarea · 27/09/2022 17:34

This is abuse op, pure and simple. As previous posters have said, contact Womens Aid today. You can do this, keep strong - you’re doing it for you and for your kids too. You don’t want this to be their ‘normal’.

KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 27/09/2022 17:37

Please tell someone. Do you have family? I really hope you are ok. I've been there OP.

Newusernameaug · 27/09/2022 17:39

Just wanted to send you a big virtual hug ❤️

MiseryWIthAStent · 27/09/2022 17:40

Please contact womens aid, you deserve to be without abuse. I'm so sorry OP.

Original poster
unhappyqueen · 27/09/2022 17:41

I appreciate all your replies. I’m constantly awake at night thinking of ways to get away. Dreaming of waking up and him just disappeared. I do everything in the house, I always do the childcare while working as he can’t be bothered help out. He lost his job 10
mo the ago but apparently that’s my fault. I have been a supportive wife every night telling him it’s ok something will come up but he turns around and says we need save and I’m a cow for spending money. I never spend on anything just food shop I never buy anything nice for myself. I feel he says this as it makes him feel better.

OP posts:
Original poster
unhappyqueen · 27/09/2022 17:44

His own family have disowned him as he’s got a short temper. I don’t know what it is but the slightest thing can trigger him off. For example if he comes home and sits down and the remote isn’t on the table that could be a whole thing and him shouting and being abusive to me.if the kitchen roll has finished and I forgot take some out for display he rages at me and says I’m unfit and lazy. They just 2 examples. I’m at my wits honestly x

OP posts:
Original poster
unhappyqueen · 27/09/2022 17:47

I look around at people and I want to scream. My self esteem has gone so low. I can’t even talk
to people as I start getting anxiety as I’m not use to talking only to him. If somebody says hello to me or general chit chat I get all shaky and so scared of what he will say when I get back into the car

OP posts:
Naunet · 27/09/2022 18:04

Oh OP, this is no way to live. Do you have any family at all who you can trust?

Original poster
unhappyqueen · 27/09/2022 18:07

No family haven’t seen them since the day I got married to him. They hated him and could see straight through him. Think they have moved not got any numbers. Haven’t spoke to my parents for years. Miss them

OP posts:
VanillaSpiceCandle · 27/09/2022 18:15

Get in touch with your parents and ask them for help. Ask to move in with them and don’t tell him. Take your children plus important documents and then plan your life when safely with your parents.

You need to leave asap. Don’t tell him and act ‘normal’.

Darbs76 · 27/09/2022 18:20

Please leave this man OP. Women’s aid will help you leave, I’m sure your parents will welcome you back with open arms. This is no life to live, you have a job, you’ll get government support top up and help to get housed. Please take their advice on the best way to leave safely. Take care of yourself

Naunet · 27/09/2022 18:24

unhappyqueen · 27/09/2022 18:07

No family haven’t seen them since the day I got married to him. They hated him and could see straight through him. Think they have moved not got any numbers. Haven’t spoke to my parents for years. Miss them

Have you tried searching for them online, or other people who might be able to give you their number?

Also, please do call WomensAid when you can, they can help you get away from him. Most importantly, act as normal as possible. Leaving is the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship, if he senses you trying to escape, he may escalate.

Original poster
unhappyqueen · 27/09/2022 18:24

I wish it was that easy. He’s constantly watching over me. Acts like he cares yet treats me worse then dirt on the floor. One day he would be fine and within half hour he’s raging. He’s angry at his family, ex work and basically the whole world. He reckons he’s done by everyone

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/09/2022 18:31

If need be you go out to take the kids to the park/school/doctors and just don't go back.

Original poster
unhappyqueen · 27/09/2022 18:32

He will constantly be after me if I left. I will never get peace from this man

OP posts:
Naunet · 27/09/2022 18:33

unhappyqueen · 27/09/2022 18:24

I wish it was that easy. He’s constantly watching over me. Acts like he cares yet treats me worse then dirt on the floor. One day he would be fine and within half hour he’s raging. He’s angry at his family, ex work and basically the whole world. He reckons he’s done by everyone

He’s a piece of shit, of course he’d blame everyone else. Try searching Facebook, see if you can find anyone you know. Do you have any reason to believe he monitors your internet use by checking your history, or maybe a key logger?

Naunet · 27/09/2022 18:35

unhappyqueen · 27/09/2022 18:32

He will constantly be after me if I left. I will never get peace from this man

One step at a time OP. The first step is getting help, focus on that. If he finds you once you’ve left, you can report him to the police, but that’s not a problem for today. Right now, you just need to take that first step.

CambsAlways · 27/09/2022 18:36

Have you got any friends op , anyone at all that can help you, please contact womens aid, you say you will never get any peace from this man, but you won’t if you stay with him, please try and contact WA they will help you

OriginalUsername3 · 27/09/2022 18:38

Go to the doctors. Ask for a female doctor. Feign some illness lie to the doctor on the phonecall so you can get to the surgery. Tell the doctor what's happening use the time to contact woman's aid. They'll help.

I'm planning to leave DH, I have a flat lined up, furniture charity shops usually deliver. He doesn't know. I'll tell him once I'm gone.

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