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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

controlling/narcissist dh

44 replies

unhappyqueen · 27/09/2022 16:41

Hi everybody, first time posting. I’m so stressed out! I’m been married to my dh for 15 years. Met him when I was 17 and he was 15 years older than me.it was love at first sight honestly he was the perfect man for me. He was kind and generous and so loving. I married and had kids and in that time he has become a nightmare!!! He’s controlling in what I wear, what I eat, where I go. I’ve never gave him the reason to be like this. I have been loyal for all these years! He’s a complete narcissist blames me for everything that goes wrong, I’m young and dumb and constantly belittled. I can’t believe this is my life. I’m not allowed go out without his permission and even if I do he will constantly call me and text me so he keeps me on edge. I know I’m in a abusive marriage but I’m stuck! Before the kids he has hit me few times which I forgave him for. Im Now working part time from home and every month my wage comes in he transfers it to his account and I have to ask if if I can buy something. I have no friends and family to turn to I’m all alone. I don’t even know why I’m messaging but I just need a friend tonight as he’s in a bad mood.

OP posts:

Original poster

unhappyqueen · 27/09/2022 18:38

I’m really trying hold everything together. I’ve tried see myself with him another 10 years but honestly I don’t think I can do it anymore. I have never been horrible or nasty to anybody so I don’t der serve this. The other day we went food shopping and I told him will u grab the cereal as I was getting the kids yoghurts he screamed in my face saying you dumb twat get it yourself I’m not your slave. I was so embarrassed and a couple were there and looked at me in disgust and I just wanted to cry

OP posts:

ditsydaisy66 · 27/09/2022 18:43

I have literally been in the same situation as you op, together for 15 years 2 children 5 and 6 I eventually had to call police due to his behaviour. Honestly get in contact with women's aid... they are fantastic...they can help you apply for protection orders like a dvpo or a non molestation order to protect you and the children. I suffer extreme anxiety but I knew me and my kids couldn't carry on living like that. Yes I was terrified taking that first step...looking back I should of done it years ago....also social services may get involved...but do not worry at all they helped me and was a massive support and was there for me and my children, she never judged once...I also have no other form of support, I have my mum, he got jealous when we spoke and I have no friends what so ever due to his jealousy and his need to know where I was at all times...if I was out and he was hungry, he would demand I come home and cook him some.
You are not alone, and u will be so much better without him...hope you get the help you need...it's the first step that's the hardest x

Original poster

unhappyqueen · 27/09/2022 18:46

Awww daisy im glad your out! How brave. I admire women like you. I really don’t have it in me honestly I’m too frighten to take this step. He will harass me and I will not be able to live not that I’m really living now x

OP posts:

dane8 · 27/09/2022 18:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Notimeforaname · 27/09/2022 18:47

OP you must call a womens charity. They will help you put a plan in place and support you through it.
It's great you've spoken up here, keep connecting yourself with the right people to speak to about this and get the ball rolling. You're already on your way out if this op, keep going.

Notimeforaname · 27/09/2022 18:48

out of*

RandomMess · 27/09/2022 18:49

Coercive control is now illegal.

You can have court ordered contact for the DC, you can get non-harassment orders against him.

You can have a life much better and better than the one you have now.

Start with a new job one outside the home?

Original poster

unhappyqueen · 27/09/2022 18:52

Thanks guys for all the advice. He’s been raging all day and now has come back from outside and is being really nice. Asked me what food should we order and let’s watch a movie when kids are in bed. My mind is everywhere

OP posts:

Itsacafe · 27/09/2022 18:55

OP, I would like to come to your house and kick him.

Think how much better your life will be when you get away. Staying with him is NOT an option. Call Women's Aid or the police tomorrow. Stop living in fear. He is one individual in the world - no more. The whole world is waiting for you. Just take the first step in the rest of your life.

ditsydaisy66 · 27/09/2022 19:19

He was exactly like how you are describing your dh. Honestly you will be protected...my ex still tries it on with me sometimes... threatening his going to kill me when he has a bad day or threatening to have somebody go through my house whilst I am asleep. I was literally sick with worry now I laugh it off or ignore him...only communicate through message so I have evidence if I need it...he does sometimes still use the kids as a weapon to try and get me to go along with his games and it upsets me because the kids deserve better. He used to tell the kids it's all my fault he doesn't live with us and that am a b the kids used to get so angry with me....but it only lasted a few weeks and it's all blown over now..the kids are slowly getting used to the situation and he spends more time with them now than what he ever has done in the past, he even cooks for them 😯please seek the help as although you can not see it, u will be so much better off and know you have all us at Mumsnet to help and support you were we can 😊

Original poster

unhappyqueen · 27/09/2022 19:30

Your so brave to go through all that daisy honestly you have great strength. He will never let me go. He has nothing except me and if I went he will seriously go mental. He will not let me live

OP posts:

Original poster

unhappyqueen · 27/09/2022 19:32

he constantly texting random girls on his phone and cheats on me every week. I seen this on his phone yet too scared to confront him as he will go mad and twist and blame me and then give me silent treatment for few days and if I stay quiet he will then say I’m crazy and if I apologise he says I’m doing his head in. I don’t know if I’m coming or going. How pathetic do I sound? I feel like crying honestly

OP posts:

Original poster

unhappyqueen · 27/09/2022 19:37

I’m just waiting for him to find somebody else or for me not to wake up. Only options x

OP posts:

VanillaSpiceCandle · 27/09/2022 19:40

Well he could try to harass you when you’ve left but you call 999 every single time. Block on every channel you can think of and never speak to him again. You might be lucky and he won’t bother seeing your children again. If he wants to, then only contact via his solicitor which he’ll have to pay for and will get bored with quickly.

Have you tried contacting your family? I’m sure they’ll be happy to hear from you and will want to help you.

CoffeeLover90 · 27/09/2022 19:50

@unhappyqueen there are other options. Call the police. I did this with the ex a few years ago and at the time he hadn't hit me recently. He was arrested and charged for coercive control. That's what your husband doing. I rang 999 and within an hour I had a way out. but i stupidly took him back,got myself a few more years of misery. I got him arrested for assault a few months ago and I know now that's it.
You don't need to live like this.
He won't be able to harass you after, ring 999 if he tries and he'll be arrested.

Treacletoots · 27/09/2022 19:57

Ring Women's Aid and the police. What he is doing is now illegal and they will act.

You CAN do this, you can get away from this horrible man. Just take one step at a time. Thousands of us have done it before you and thrived.

Be strong. You've got it within you.

Minikievs · 27/09/2022 20:07

Just a side note, that couple in the supermarket will not have been looking at you in disgust when he was screaming at you. I'm t will have been disgust for him, and rightly so.

Please do everything you can to get away from this man, I promise the weight lifting from your shoulders will be enormous

Panjandrum123 · 27/09/2022 20:07

unhappyqueen · 27/09/2022 19:37

I’m just waiting for him to find somebody else or for me not to wake up. Only options x

These are not your only options. I know it feels like that but if you can just find time when he’s out of the house to contact Womens Aid, they’ll help you.
www.womensaid.org.uk

You owe it to yourself and your children to get away from your husband. You can do this.

You’re not pathetic, but scared. And that couple in the supermarket were most likely appalled by your husband’s behaviour, not by you being so quietly accepting.

Noteverybodylives · 27/09/2022 20:34

In the kindest possible way, nothing is going to change unless you do.

You can’t just sit there and moan and spend another 10/20+ years like this and not be proactive and do something about it.

You work which is amazing - that means you have time away from him and will have an income once you leave.

You need to ring womens aid who will support you, as well as do the freedom programme to give you some confidence and deal with your feelings.

Once you’ve done that then you need to tell him to leave and give him a set date to be out by (the council can house him in temporary accommodation if he’s getting kicked out).
Then if he doesn’t leave, ring the non-emergency police.

You need to start sticking up for yourself.
If he gets violent then call the police - you need to show him that you’re not the weak little child he thinks you are.

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