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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lack of empathy

40 replies

Sandswept · 26/09/2022 21:38

AIBU for finding it irritating that my OH never rubs my feet back etc when I am in pain? I have plantar fasciitis and asked for him to squeeze it and try to help as it was so painful and he limply holds his hand there whilst looking at his phone. Literally never tries to help me. When I was pregnant/had babies was much the same with back pain etc.
I just find he lacks empathy with anything wrong with me at all.

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 26/09/2022 21:41

Honestly.. I love my husband but would absolutely hate to rub his feet regardless of what Ailment he had .
Feet are generally just yuk to me!

Everylittlethingsgonnabealright · 26/09/2022 21:42

Relationships have to work for both people. Maybe he doesn’t like to do that kind of thing and you need to get that need met somewhere else. But you both need to communicate about it and it sounds like he’s being uncommunicative, or saying he’ll do one thing but not doing it whole-heartedly.

HundredMilesAnHour · 26/09/2022 21:43

And how often do you rub his feet / back?

Chloefairydust · 26/09/2022 21:44

Maybe he just doesn’t like feet?

Original poster
Sandswept · 26/09/2022 21:44

he hasn’t ever been carrying my child or had plantar fasciitis. If he did I would.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sandswept · 26/09/2022 21:45

He has absolutely no problem with feet

OP posts:
lickenchugget · 26/09/2022 21:45

Not a feet rubber here either, sorry!

foot rollers are amazing for PF

Jindle1 · 26/09/2022 21:46

How are you in supporting him when he's ill? If you feel it's all one way, then of course that's a problem but your OP is very centred on your needs and wants.

Original poster
Sandswept · 26/09/2022 21:47

so pp are actually telling me when you are pregnant with someone’s child or just had a terrible birth and in pain you wouldn’t find it even slightly irritating that your oh (father to the baby you are carrying/ have given birth to) wouldn’t rub your back?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sandswept · 26/09/2022 21:48

I’m very supportive when he’s ill. This is more about his lack of

OP posts:
gamerchick · 26/09/2022 21:49

Couldn't pay me to touch someone's feet. Not even my own kids past being littlies. Get a roller or something. Some people dont do the rubbing thing. Shoulders or otherwise. It's doesn't mean a lack of empathy.

Loachworks · 26/09/2022 21:49

It makes my skin crawl if anyone touches my feet and as much as I love my DH of almost thirty years, I won't be rubbing his feet or back regardless of how much they ache.

mayflower21 · 26/09/2022 21:50

My H has been the same OP, I sympathise with you

Original poster
Sandswept · 26/09/2022 21:51

thanks @mayflower21 at im not totally alone in hoping someone I am married to might actually want to help me whilst I hobble about or can’t stand up straight 🤣

OP posts:
Banana2079 · 26/09/2022 21:54

op there are some idiot comments here I’m really sorry about that, your other half should of course give you a massage if you are in pain or at least show some empathy rather than scrolling through his phone and ignoring you . what you suffer from is extremely painful I’ve had it too I’ve had to take days off work and I’ve been in tears my boyfriend gives me all the massages and foot rubs in the world when I’m in pain , I do put a pair of clean socks on first maybe try that?And if I’m in too much pain to reciprocate I give him an IOU
You are not being unreasonable to ask for some empathy and a little massage.
I’ve also got one of those electronic back massagers you can get from Argos And I put my feet on it sometimes too x I do hope you feel better soon! Try to stretch in the mornings and in the evenings

Original poster
Sandswept · 26/09/2022 21:55

Thanks @Banana2079 your response made me feel a bit emotional as I feel at the end of my tether with it all really!

OP posts:
Jindle1 · 26/09/2022 21:56

Sandswept · 26/09/2022 21:51

thanks @mayflower21 at im not totally alone in hoping someone I am married to might actually want to help me whilst I hobble about or can’t stand up straight 🤣

Is that his responsibility? If you're that bad, you should probably see a Dr or look into self help remedies?

It sounds like there's a mismatch in your expectations. I might hope that my partner will play with my hair for an hour a day because that calms me down when I'm having a bad day. That doesn't mean that he HAS to do that - it would be nice if he did but I have no right to demand that or complain if he didn't.

Have you told him how important rubbing your feet is to you? Seems like an odd thing to get hung up on but appreciate we all have our quirks.

Entwifery · 26/09/2022 21:57

YANBU, surely it wouldn't kill him to rub your feet for five minutes once in a while?

Original poster
Sandswept · 26/09/2022 21:58

It’s not even like I ask every day @Jindle1 was the first time I’d mentioned it in weeks yesterday as I could pre empt the response I would get. You don’t seem like my kind of person with your manner of responding so thinks it’s better that I disregard your comments…

OP posts:
Entwifery · 26/09/2022 21:59

PP being harsh as usual. Nobody should ever be expected or asked to do anything for anyone else in MN lala land. 🙄

FluffySocksAndHotChocolate · 26/09/2022 21:59

If my partner asked me to rub his feet, I'd be running a mile in the opposite direction.

Rub your own feet? YABU.

Caroffee · 26/09/2022 22:00

Get some good insoles.

DoodlePug · 26/09/2022 22:01

My DH is excellent I'm afraid, good 10 mins on each Calf and leg sometimes, I really suffer after some sporting injuries.

I am bad at reciprocating though, my hands get tired incredibly quickly fortunately he never has muscle aches.

I bought one of those foot massages that you put both feet right in. Was torture on even the lowest setting, had to wear 2
pairs of thick socks! But now can use it on the highest setting so I'm hoping that means something is better.

Sounds like it's not your DH thing. Not helping isn't necessarily lacking in empathy, he may have plenty and feel bad for you but not enough to physically do something. Only you know how serious this is, but I hope you find something to improve your feet.

Everylittlethingsgonnabealright · 26/09/2022 22:02

How would you cope if you didn’t have a partner?

Weird response to @Jindle1. Is that how you normally respond to people who have a different opinion to you?

Banana2079 · 26/09/2022 22:02

I don’t see why he can’t give you a back massage - you are his wife! And he should love you enough to help ease your pain foot massages included..! My ex used to hate giving me a massage -he always did it half-heartedly, and he was a selfish person .. I guess your husband is being quite lazy and not very thoughtful, I know some people hate giving out massages, but he Should at least be honest with you and say he doesn’t want to do it, but If you are in that much pain surely it can’t paint him too much to give you a five or 10 minute massage? You could offer him one in return when you are feeling better

. All these people asking if you give him massages … What’s that got to do with the price of fish?
you have described a very painful condition, You are married, you should be more caring especially whilst you were pregnant
I would have a chat with him about it and tell him how this lack of empathy has made you feel

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