To ask if you're struggling with friendships and loneliness

[crochetmonkey74]

Pre Covid, my social life was v busy. Since Covid, it's pretty dead and im feeling quite lonely. My friends haven't really recovered. Every meet up takes ages to organise, lots of them now prefer to stay in rather than go out.
No falling outs, all still happy being friends. I've decided to try and expand my social circle a bit.
I've tried to join a few more groups etc and that's going OK, but I'm in the early days so haven't really made any friends as such yet.
Anyone found similar and got any tips for making new friends in your forties?

Pinksticklebrick I'm close! I searched for a thread like this and this one came up. Through working from home for our own business - so no friends through work - plus moving to a new place I feel devoid of friends in my day to day life. On one hand, I feel freer but on the other, gosh it really does get lonely. My husband and I work together but he doesn't seem to need friends and is more client facing than I am so gets more social reaction than I do. I've had a few friend disappointments this year as well... it starts to make you feel... unlikeable for want of a better word! But I know it's situational really. Agree that people seem to be staying in a lot more than before.

I feel like I've found my people here. Covid destroyed whatever I had left of my social life. Noone's interested in catching up. Most people think liking something on Facebook is enough to be considered a friend. Throw in kids, work and general exhaustion and the opportunities to initiate or extend a friendship subside. I'm reading this thread and the only consolation for me is that I'm truly not alone in my thinking.

I’m the opposite and find friends more keen to get out and about more, after 2yrs restricted. Keep going to the clubs and hopefully you’ll find some like minded friends. Maybe suggest a coffee after the class to a few

What classes or clubs have you got near you?
This is another issue. I live in a small market town and the classes and clubs haven't really recovered post covid either. Lots available in the daytime but obviously I'm at work

I'm so glad to find it's not just me struggling. I'm similar to a PP in that I am making lots of effort. The clubs I go to are good, but in the same vein, people rush off afterwards- suggestions of a coffee or pub are not in the pipeline yet. There's not a huge amount of regular classes here, more one off classes on a Saturday which are good for killing a day, but more of a punt for meeting a potential friend

Yes, I have no friends and no family other than DH and DD. DH is the same. I've tried to make friends - I've joined local Facebook groups based on interests I have, library book clubs, language classes and so on, but everyone seems to already be 'settled' in their friendship groups and don't seem to have space for another. I recently turned 50 and have resigned myself to being lonely now. It's a horrible feeling.

DH had acquaintances through work (I'm disabled and don't work so I don't have that opportunity to meet people). But he hates socialising and finds friends a bit overwhelming so has no interest in making them.

20 years ago I couldn't move for friends - I was always out with them and there was always someone I could call for a chat. It was lovely. But I moved to a new city in my 30s and lost touch with a lot of them, and the ones I didn't fell away over the years as they got married, had DC, and just got caught up in life generally (as I did). Around the same time my parents died and they were the only family I had. DH is NC with his (he has very good reason for this).

Loneliness is horrible, particularly when you've not always been this way. People think that because you're married you can't possibly be lonely, but I miss friendship (and having wider family) so much. I do get very down at times.

Good luck to you OP 💐

Same. I'm married with kids but feel my friendships have drifted slightly even though we are still all friends if you see what I mean! I've made am effort to expand my circle. I reconnected with a couple of old school friends and work friends. I also arranged a night out with my DS's friends mums which went great - we are on our 3rd night out now. It wasn't easy as I am an introvert but glad I did it.

I do have friends but my social life isn’t the same since Covid. It was actually picking up a bit just before Covid as we were becoming more friendly w DS’s friend’s mums and had a couple of social things planned, but the friendship group isn’t the same 3 years on. A couple of groups I was in don’t meet anymore either and my DCs have left school so I don’t have that natural contact w other parents now (was less in secondary but it was still there to some extent). i have also changed jobs to a much smaller team and while we get on I mainly wfh so no everyday contact w colleagues. My lm is great and we could def be proper friends, but the boundary needs to be there atm so am not pushing it!!
i don’t have living close family now apart from dh/DCs so I have always made a supreme effort with friends but it is hard as people always put family first, whatever. That makes me feel more lonely than anything- knowing that there isn’t a proper ‘adult’ relative to lean on apart from dh and he’s got his elderly mother and he has a stressful job so I try not to lump too much on him.
i have also stepped back a bit due to recent health issues but have started to diarise a bit now even though I’m waiting for results , as I was getting more fed up not seeing people! You have to be in the mental health space to socialise and I normally am, which is why it was so weird not to want to go out.

i hope all the lonely people find their way out of the loneliness pit, it’s a horrible feeling.

I'm hoping it will get better but I feel like a PP who says they are the organising one. I feel like I'm constantly organising, but I'm really missing the 'fancy a coffee tomorrow norning' type spontaneity that we had before. Each event is weeks in the planning, and kike a PP says has late dropouts

I could have written this.

I do have friends, lots of them, and like pp I have completely given up organising anything and I am leaving it to others, and guess what? Nothing happens. I get messages all of the time saying when are we next getting together, that is shorthand for when are you arranging the next night out. I am not anymore. It is just too stressful having so many people bail out at the last minute for a multitude of really lame reasons. I am too tired myself to put the work and effort into doing the arranging and hosting.

Friends have mentioned that they miss going out, doing stuff together, but not one of them takes the initiative. Lately one or two have organised small scale coffees etc, so maybe by Christmas we will be in a better place.

If you are one of those friends that sits back and waits for your friends to do the organising - for whatever reason, 'because they are good at it' or' like doing it', no they really don't, so please pull your weight if you want them to keep them as a friend.

@Kissingfrogs25 haha I am trying to quote you quoting me but YES we are clearly the same person! I am definitely NOT a queen bee type, just a good get togetherer but yes I do think that people think ‘oh you’re so GOOD at arranging things’. One friend sort of keeps saying oh hey I really want to seeeeeee you, but until for once she suggests a list of dates/times I am just going ‘I know likewise’

i really didn’t mind doing it pre c19, but I genuinely feel like most people don’t appreciate the trouble it takes to organise stuff, the sort of social balls it take to always be the one suggesting stuff and how dispiriting it is when people clearly weigh it up, clearly can’t be arsed BUT THEN hover about WhatsApp making noises about YOU organising something else!

God I didn’t realise how fuming it was making me!

@GreenGreenArse you do make really good points, esp about the 50 on a night out. I definitely love a dog walk and even bring my own coffee - it’s the chat and catch up element i miss.

Do you know what, we should just rename this thread ‘hard times for extroverts’.

i mean extroverts in the sense that you recharge via social interaction as opposed to being a jazz hands centre of stage type.

That's the odd part
I'm an introvert

I think it's the feeling that no one cares about me, not anyone's priority.

Same here and I'm in my 60s. Not fit enough to return to working as a carer, but not unwell enough to not work at all.

I've joined a couple of groups but don't fit it - the others are in their 70s and 80s. Friends I had have either drifted away now or are busy and working.

I'm glad I'm not the only one. My sisters both have amazing groups of friends and always have someone to go out for a drink/see a show with, but I've never really had that since I left uni. But I do feel like I need to find some friends now, everything else in my life is great, but I'm lonely. Anyone in West Dorset?!

@AnneBoIeyn until a few years ago I could 100% have written your post and it upset me as I'm a really sociable person- we moved around a lot though and I stopped bothering . Luckily 5 years ago I attended a random meet up and met my lovely but batty friend. She's 38 and I'm 60!! From her I met a few others too- just having 1 good friend and a few others too made such a difference- !!

I hear you OP, I’ve kept my two good friends despite Covid which is great but I do 2/3 of the organising/suggesting etc which is fine as I love to see these friends.
I have lost my wider circle or friends.
I’ve joined stuff and think of it like the school mums back
in the da where I clicked with one in ten mums so I’m preserving with meeting friends. I just accept it takes time.

I’m an introvert too and I rely on extroverts adopting me. Maybe the issue here is a mass resignation of extroverts/social secretaries?

I’ve definitely taken on the board the comments from people who are tired of arranging things. I will make more of an effort in future but for now I’ve got no friends to practice with 🤣

cows ah, interesting

i'm introvert but also the organiser. Now I think I should have realised being the organiser was a clue that some people might not have bothered with me otherwise.

@cowskeepingmeupatnight yes I think you might be right, it’s completely understandable that people have so much on, so many costs etc, but also that the ‘usual organisers’ are finding it a bit futile and retiring for a bit.

@cowskeepingmeupatnight beginners is the biggest group in any tennis club 😁

I had never played before (but had some beach ball experience 😂)

Just do it

Clicked on this by chance but definately feeling the same as some posters here. Can't contribute much at the moment but marking my place.

Don’t care. I have zero friends :(

So much of this thread resonates with me. We moved last year and new neighbours are nice but I've not got to the easy friend stage yet.some of my few good friends bail at last minute and now I can't afford to go out thanks to the trashing of the economy. I was also thinking that actually none of my old friends have asked me over since we moved, even though Ive hosted here. I'm busy enough with work and kids but fed up with having to do all the running. Can't figure out if others are having a great time but not including us, or if they aren't doing anything either. It's making me quite depressed