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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you're struggling with friendships and loneliness

79 replies

crochetmonkey74 · 26/09/2022 21:17

Pre Covid, my social life was v busy. Since Covid, it's pretty dead and im feeling quite lonely. My friends haven't really recovered. Every meet up takes ages to organise, lots of them now prefer to stay in rather than go out.
No falling outs, all still happy being friends. I've decided to try and expand my social circle a bit.
I've tried to join a few more groups etc and that's going OK, but I'm in the early days so haven't really made any friends as such yet.
Anyone found similar and got any tips for making new friends in your forties?

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 26/09/2022 22:11

cowskeepingmeupatnight · 26/09/2022 22:07

I think half my problem is I’d like to just skip to the good part. Like, I don’t really want to make small talk with women who don’t share my interests in a craft class I’m butchering. I just want to swing into a booth in a bar and say ‘so you’ll never guess what’ to my sister from another mister 🤣

I butchered a class last year
i was so far behind the others, I had to leave, it was too embarrassing 🤦🏽‍♀️

Teenytinyfeet · 26/09/2022 22:14

cowskeepingmeupatnight · 26/09/2022 22:07

I think half my problem is I’d like to just skip to the good part. Like, I don’t really want to make small talk with women who don’t share my interests in a craft class I’m butchering. I just want to swing into a booth in a bar and say ‘so you’ll never guess what’ to my sister from another mister 🤣

Yessss! You’re my type of person!! I feel exactly the same!

flipflop76 · 26/09/2022 22:15

I could have written this myself and I'm in my 40s too. Am totally in the same boat xx

SimonaRazowska · 26/09/2022 22:20

I think it's normal to have moved on from school friends by the time you are in in your 40s Grin, come on, all that school shit was decades ago Wink

I have found that the best way to making new friends is through team sports

Netball, volleyball, tennis, badminton

I started to learn tennis at 40, so many beginners and such a fun thing to get into. Very easy to hang around for a coffee or a beer after, very easy to have low expectation chat and just getting to know people. Some become friends. I now joined womens cricket too, we are pretty crap and play with a bouncy pink ball but it's fun and lovely sense of team spirit

My recommendation is to join a group or team sport thing. Crafting is all good and well but it's everyone for themselves. A team sport you get to experience winning and losing together and it is a good bonding experience imo

Like Nike says: just do it

50plusandfabulous · 26/09/2022 22:25

This is me. Split up from husband 18 months ago, kids grown, living on my own. Work and gym and thats it. All my friends are married, no one goes out. I find the loneliness soul destroying. I used to be really outgoing but the past couple of years have knocked it all out of me.

I’m dreading the dark nights and winter , oh and Xmas.

cowskeepingmeupatnight · 26/09/2022 22:29

@50plusandfabulous That sounds hard. Come back to this thread for a chat anytime. We will happily call your ex-H all the names under the sun if it makes you feel better!

cowskeepingmeupatnight · 26/09/2022 22:30

@SimonaRazowska you’ve inspired me. There is a beginners tennis next Monday night that sells itself on being social, I might give it a try. Do you think it matters that the last time I played sport was never?

50plusandfabulous · 26/09/2022 22:33

@cowskeepingmeupatnight thanks thats kind. It was my choice to leave but sometimes I wonder did I do the right thing.

YorkshireYarns · 26/09/2022 22:34

cowskeepingmeupatnight · 26/09/2022 22:30

@SimonaRazowska you’ve inspired me. There is a beginners tennis next Monday night that sells itself on being social, I might give it a try. Do you think it matters that the last time I played sport was never?

No! Do it. Beginner means total novice so it’s perfect. Hope you meet some lovely people.

Iheartgeraniums · 26/09/2022 22:35

My issue is I am a great AND normally relaxed organiser (ie let’s get mums night dinner / have a school friends Xmas lunch / get newish friends out for a drink) but I have got soooo fed up with perfectly lovely people who, like you say, are up for it in theory then bailing the day before or even day of, with the lamest of excuses in a sort of social apathy/want sofa Netflix and wine instead type of way.

I had fifteen friends from a group lined up for a dinner the other week, I organised it a while in advance, mentioned it the week before as was booking a table so numbers were confirmed then and sent a nice but carefully worded message the day before like ‘hi guys, i think the restaurant want us to confirm numbers, hope you can all make it!’ And SIX people immediately said ‘oh I don’t think I can now’ for the flimsiest of reasons. The restaurant who of course are I’m sure struggling too right now werent delighted they’d held me a table for that many either, it was embarrassing.

That sort of thing has happened so much in the last year that I have now absolutely stopped organising anything.

The irony is that now people keep being a bit plaintive like ‘oh hey can we get together soon’ I.e. please will you organise it and I just vaguely say oh yes we really must, while thinking ‘you bailed for no reason the afternoon of the last time we were meant to meet, so no, I won’t!’

Iheartgeraniums · 26/09/2022 22:37

50plusandfabulous · 26/09/2022 22:25

This is me. Split up from husband 18 months ago, kids grown, living on my own. Work and gym and thats it. All my friends are married, no one goes out. I find the loneliness soul destroying. I used to be really outgoing but the past couple of years have knocked it all out of me.

I’m dreading the dark nights and winter , oh and Xmas.

That sounds really hard 50+, keep on trucking 💐

YorkshireYarns · 26/09/2022 22:37

cowskeepingmeupatnight · 26/09/2022 22:07

I think half my problem is I’d like to just skip to the good part. Like, I don’t really want to make small talk with women who don’t share my interests in a craft class I’m butchering. I just want to swing into a booth in a bar and say ‘so you’ll never guess what’ to my sister from another mister 🤣

Yes!! Isn’t the start of making new friends just all a bit painful and so much effort and uncomfortable working people out and being on your best behaviour.

I want to instantly have shared history and a gang who know me and I can’t easily piss off when Im late/ grumpy/laugh inappropriately.

Gloriosity · 26/09/2022 23:04

I relate to this too. I have some good friends from waybackwhen but none who live near me and it is definitely harder since covid.

Maybe we should organise some meet ups! I wonder if anyone’s near me… East of England?

cowskeepingmeupatnight · 26/09/2022 23:15

Great idea @Gloriosity! Giving anyone in North Yorkshire a special wave 👋

malificent7 · 26/09/2022 23:19

Didn't Thatcher once say there's no such thing as society? Not a sentiment i agree with but many clearly do.

felulageller · 26/09/2022 23:25

Yes. It's so hard to make new friends.

I go to groups etc. It's superficial but better than nothing.

Gettingbythanks · 26/09/2022 23:33

cowskeepingmeupatnight · 26/09/2022 22:05

@EmmaH2022 and @Gettingbythanks sorry you’re both having an awful time but well done for sticking your head above the water to post here. Solidarity!

Thank you, MN is certainly helping me pass the time here 😊

GreenGreenArse · 26/09/2022 23:40

I think half my problem is I’d like to just skip to the good part. Like, I don’t really want to make small talk with women who don’t share my interests in a craft class I’m butchering. I just want to swing into a booth in a bar and say ‘so you’ll never guess what’ to my sister from another mister 🤣

Yup, same here. Need to let go of the idea that it’s crap and not authentic, not being my normal open self for a bit while getting to know new people. I think it’s a normal part of the friend-making process. Just an annoying part.

EmmaH2022 · 26/09/2022 23:46

Re skipping to the good part
I like it when people just start chatting away. As long as it's not about politics.

I am in a local social thing but unfortunately, it seems to have become a norm to talk about politics. It's activity led but obviously there's general chat. It's better than nothing, sure. So that's one night a week covered.

I am 46. I realise if I date I'm probably looking at older. I wonder if there are many men around who just want companionship?

GreenGreenArse · 27/09/2022 00:15

I would also suggest adjusting expectations a bit lower at the moment. I’m trying to do this.

The pandemic has made everyone anxious and stressed out and it’s not actually over, all sorts of shit has gone unaddressed for all kinds of people during these last two years so there’s that.

Social anxiety is a massive thing anyway but the less we all do, the less we can feel we have to talk about, so a vicious circle.

The cost of living is terrifying for so many people and loads of people can’t admit to others how they are coping so they will withdraw to save face. The last thing I would want to do at the moment is blow 50plus quid on a meal or night out even though I would love to. Same with a course or a class that’s paid for. Dog walking with a take out coffee is the kind of level I’m talking about at the moment. There could be good reasons why other people are being distant, as well as bad ones.

EmmaH2022 · 27/09/2022 00:28

Green "There could be good reasons why other people are being distant, as well as bad ones."

a couple of my friends, including the one I miss the most, told me the lockdown had been wonderful and that's partly why they reassessed their lives. I'm pleased things were good but the end is the same - apparently many of us are unwanted.

I am deep in thought on this tonight and I do think the elderly parent problem makes it harder. I don't talk to people about it, I don't believe in spreading misery. But I think it makes things seem more bleak, though it's definitely easier to deal with one than two.

i genuinely fear my mother will outlive me and the thought of never having that obligation is a heavy weight at the bavk of my mind.

i'm probably seen as a total bitch, i talked about shouting at her today on a thread that no one has replied to. But it's not uncommon I think, with people living so long now. I have been desperate to move out of London but feel I can't because of her.

if it was just me trying to make the best of the many good things I have, that would be one thing. But the care makes things seem miserable when perhaps they aren't. I don't know.

PinkStickleBrick · 27/09/2022 00:31

Similar here. I'm near Guildford if anyone is close?

changedusername190 · 27/09/2022 00:40

I've recently moved and am struggling with loneliness. I'm struggling to find local clubs,courses etc.

chipauchoc · 27/09/2022 00:51

I've rekindled old friends from way back, we lost touch for a long while because of me starting a family and we were at different stages really, but now the kids are older I have more free time and when we meet up it's really just like old times, I recommend rekindling those friendships you've lost along the way! Also bumble (dating app) do a 'BBF' version within the app where you can swipe for friends rather than romantic dates.
I totally agree with PP, it's difficult to meet people when your kids go to secondary school and there's no school gate chats.

TonksInPurple · 27/09/2022 01:09

Had almost no friends before covid, during covid I got a social life as everything went online, then back to ‘normal’ happened and I remembered how crap normal
is.