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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be suspicious

47 replies

Itstheprinciple123 · 26/09/2022 14:29

my husband and I have been together for 14 years and married 4.

Many years ago he was messaging a girl he used to work with, talking to her in secret calls and would delete messages off her and got caught walking hand in hand with her in a local park. We sorted it and moved on. Every couple of year this girl pops back into our lives by messages - don’t know who starts but it happens.

I don’t go through my husbands phone - I used to when I was concerned but haven’t done it for years now. We’re currently on holiday with family - about 20 of us and he had taken some photos of me him and our LB on his phone. I air dropped them to my photo - with his consent I always ask out of politeness more than anything and there she was on his most used contacts on Facebook messenger. She’s back. He said he has been talking about general things and messaging her while we are on holiday but deletes every messages after he send it or receives one so I don’t get upset. He’s reassured me that there’s nothing to it but why delete messages if it’s just friendly??? Is that strange to anyone else??

OP posts:
MRSE20 · 26/09/2022 14:36

I’m going to be completely honest with you OP - of course this is suspicious! Actually, it’s not even suspicious. It is there in black and white. Your husband who you have been with for 14 years is on and off messaging and deleting messages with a woman who he has been caught cheating with. Let’s be honest it isn’t best to jump to conclusions but the fact he deletes their messages means they aren’t friendly texts I’m sure…
Also, even if he did cheat or have a thing for this woman ages ago - how dare he think he can be friends with her behind your back anyway?
It is really hard to gauge someone’s relationship off one post on mumsnet but I’d say he doesn’t respect you, is flirting and has a thing for this other woman and you are letting him treat you like this.
I hope this message doesn’t come across too strong and is more like a wake up call that you needed
Hope you are OK OP ❤️ You can do better than him

Shoxfordian · 26/09/2022 14:38

He’s probably continually cheating on you with her- he hasn’t dropped contact, he’s still cheating now

Wake up

Notimeforaname · 26/09/2022 14:39

He's lying to you. You need to decide if you can live with this for the rest of your life or not. He wont stop talking to her.

Why would he when he just gets away with it. I guess he thinks you'll always be there. No matter how many times he speaks to her.

You don't seriously believe they are talking about mundane usual stuff do you ? Hes deleting the messages for a reason... not the one he gave you.

Doingprettywellthanks · 26/09/2022 14:39

14 years you’ve wasted on a cheater op

how old are you?

Mumoblue · 26/09/2022 14:40

SHE’S not back. HE’S up to his old tricks again.

If he didn’t want her in his life, she wouldn’t be.
You have my honest sympathy, my ex pulled something much the same, though luckily he was not smart enough to hide it very well. It sucks.

Notimeforaname · 26/09/2022 14:41

SHE’S not back. HE’S up to his old tricks again.

I wanted to say something this.

Notimeforaname · 26/09/2022 14:41

Something like this*

Hymnulop · 26/09/2022 14:43

Jesus christ what a doormat. Sorry OP but there's more to life than this, my husband would let me go through his phone entirely, nothing at all to hide. And I would never even think to because in 19 years he's never given me cause to be suspicious and I trust him completely.

You need to get rid of this waste of space.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 26/09/2022 14:45

He got caught walking hand in hand with her so obviously it was a physical affair and not just an emotional one. Surely if he felt that awful about it and about how crushed you must have been, he would have cut all contact with her! Who thinks it's OK to still message a woman after it almost tore your marriage apart?

Sorry OP but he's still cheating. No doubt he'll turn it around and make you seem paranoid though.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 26/09/2022 14:52

Mate, sorry, he is a cheater.

10HailMarys · 26/09/2022 15:44

Of course it's suspicious. They've never been 'just friends' and they never will be 'just friends'.

Even if they are 'just friends' it really isn't fair on you for him to stay friendly in any way with the woman HE HAD A BLOODY AFFAIR WITH. Forgiving him and moving on should have entailed him agreeing to cut all contact with her and to ignore her if she tried to get in touch.

I can't believe you've been putting up with this.

DeoForty · 26/09/2022 16:47

I'm going to against the grain here. I had an intense, not-cheating-but boundary-crossing relationship with a married man a decade ago. I've subsequently got married, and had a couple of kids. We still speak, email usually. We've met up. I absolutely am not interested in him sexually or romantically. It is only a friendship.

That said, it took a lot to get to that stage. And we pulled back our relationship before it blew up. I did a lot of soul searching and I think he did too.

So it's not impossible. But I would want proof.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 26/09/2022 16:50

I very much doubt she is "back". She's more likely been there all the time and he has just been better at hiding it this time.

If he can't give up talking to someone he once had an affair with for your sake she has got to mean far more to him than he is letting on.

ICanHideButICantRun · 26/09/2022 16:54

She's been there the whole time, OP.

I've always thought that you can't split up another couple if they're having an affair - they can tell you what you want to hear but they will just go underground.

Atmywitsend29 · 26/09/2022 16:56

Oh op I'm sorry but I agree she's not back, you've just discovered it again.

Penguinsaregreat · 26/09/2022 17:04

I agree he is still having an affair.
Also dh and I share photos, we don’t hide anything from one another.
You need to decide whether you can tolerate this for the rest of your life.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 26/09/2022 18:31

DeoForty · 26/09/2022 16:47

I'm going to against the grain here. I had an intense, not-cheating-but boundary-crossing relationship with a married man a decade ago. I've subsequently got married, and had a couple of kids. We still speak, email usually. We've met up. I absolutely am not interested in him sexually or romantically. It is only a friendship.

That said, it took a lot to get to that stage. And we pulled back our relationship before it blew up. I did a lot of soul searching and I think he did too.

So it's not impossible. But I would want proof.

I'm sure his wife is thrilled with her husband still being friends with the woman he had an intense boundary crossing relationship with

HangOnToYourself · 26/09/2022 18:47

It's not suspicious, it's fairly conclusive. You should never stay with a cheater in my opinion but if you do it's on the basis they never contact that person again. The trust is gone here, I'm sorry but you cant come back from.this

Ahbisto · 26/09/2022 18:51

Yeah, mate dudes cheating.

Aeio · 26/09/2022 18:54

If he cared about your marriage or how you feel, he would have cut all contact years ago. Friendly or not, he's wrong to message and he knows it.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 26/09/2022 18:55

He's cheating on you and I'd guess he's been having an affair with her on and off for all those years. Sorry.

Lampzade · 26/09/2022 18:58

Aeio · 26/09/2022 18:54

If he cared about your marriage or how you feel, he would have cut all contact years ago. Friendly or not, he's wrong to message and he knows it.

This

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 27/09/2022 15:04

I voted YANBU to be suspicious but do think you are unreasonable to tolerate both of their disrespectful behaviours and for so many years too.
She keeps coming back because he is entertaining her.

Im so sorry OP, but you deserve a whole lot better 💐

DingleDangleDoo · 27/09/2022 15:47

I’m sorry but that relationship never ended. I’ve been there and I know other women who have. They say it’s over, maybe they don’t speak for a little while, then it starts again. They get better at hiding it each time. He’s treating you like a mug, sorry. You need to get out before he catches something then passes it to you, or he gets her pregnant. Or he leaves you. There is no good way for this to end.

hardboiledeggs · 27/09/2022 16:18

He has no respect for you after all this time. He'd stop if he did. You know that as well, he's willing to risk everything for her.