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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be suspicious

47 replies

Itstheprinciple123 · 26/09/2022 14:29

my husband and I have been together for 14 years and married 4.

Many years ago he was messaging a girl he used to work with, talking to her in secret calls and would delete messages off her and got caught walking hand in hand with her in a local park. We sorted it and moved on. Every couple of year this girl pops back into our lives by messages - don’t know who starts but it happens.

I don’t go through my husbands phone - I used to when I was concerned but haven’t done it for years now. We’re currently on holiday with family - about 20 of us and he had taken some photos of me him and our LB on his phone. I air dropped them to my photo - with his consent I always ask out of politeness more than anything and there she was on his most used contacts on Facebook messenger. She’s back. He said he has been talking about general things and messaging her while we are on holiday but deletes every messages after he send it or receives one so I don’t get upset. He’s reassured me that there’s nothing to it but why delete messages if it’s just friendly??? Is that strange to anyone else??

OP posts:

OlympicProcrastinator · 27/09/2022 16:38

Oh come on OP. You took him back when he cheated first time. They always do it again. Always. They just get better at covering it. You seem very naive. Stop being a doormat and get rid.

1FootInTheRave · 27/09/2022 16:41

She's not back, she never left in the first place.

You've been taken for an absolute mug.

MumCanIDoThat · 27/09/2022 16:49

Yes wake up. He was caught strolling hand in hand with her, she's a constant feature in the background. Not sure what anyone can tell you other than to wake up and stop believing him.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 27/09/2022 16:57

He’s doing this (repeatedly) because you’ve shown him that it’s ok.

SomeCleverUsername · 27/09/2022 17:02

Am I naive to think that deleting messages and walking hand in hand is not right, not nice, disrespectful but not necessarily conclusive proof of a full blown physical affair?

Nevertheless, boundaries have definitely been crossed more than once and I'd seriously consider leaving.

Itemremovedfromthebaggingarea · 27/09/2022 17:25

She’s not back op. She never went away. I’m so sorry, it’s ducks in a row time if you’re not happy to put up with this.

Original poster

Itstheprinciple123 · 16/10/2022 09:18

I went through his phone and the only message from her was for the 3 of us to enjoy our holiday

im obsessing over it. Every time I see him on his phone I feel sick which it shouldn’t be like that.

Me and this girl had messaged previouslly on Facebook … this is what they’ve been using to message, I wasn’t blocked when I first found out this time around as I was going to message her but I didn’t in the end. She then blocked me, I mentioned this to my Husband and now she’s unblocked me again. When suggests they are still speaking.

my head is fucked with it all - sorry for the bad language.

he had an envelope delivery which is said was a birthday gift for me well before my birthday. I hadn’t received anything that would fit into that size envelope on my birthday and I’ve sneakily looked for said envelope and it’s no where to be found. He may well have hidden it and forgotten but when if it was for her? I know it was a Keyring as I’ve since checked his emails. I don’t whether to mention the “forgotten birthday gift”. I’m so bloody confused

I feel awful as it may well all be completely innocent and they are just chatting as friends.

OP posts:

MinnieGirl · 16/10/2022 09:33

If it was innocent why all the secrecy? Why not mention her like you would for any other friend? He has never stopped contact with this woman and that alone says it all for me. You can’t trust him. What else is he hiding from you? I would not be able to continue a relationship with this man. I would be saying very clearly that you don’t trust him, that he clearly hasn’t given up this woman and you want him gone.

DownAtTheBodyShop · 16/10/2022 09:40

I feel awful as it may well all be completely innocent and they are just chatting as friends

Oh you fool, you need to wise-up.

What possessed you to marry this man and have a child with him when you knew he was a lying cheat?

Thesummeriwas16 · 16/10/2022 09:45

DownAtTheBodyShop · 16/10/2022 09:40

I feel awful as it may well all be completely innocent and they are just chatting as friends

Oh you fool, you need to wise-up.

What possessed you to marry this man and have a child with him when you knew he was a lying cheat?

Not helpful!

Jedsnewstar · 16/10/2022 09:46

I feel awful as it may well all be completely innocent and they are just chatting as friends

Even if this is the case, which it’s almost certainly not, it’s massively disrespectful. Someone who continues being friendly with someone they had an affair with has no regard for the feelings of his wife, he simply doesn’t care.

I hope you find the strength to do what needs to be done. You deserve happiness.

LadyApplejack · 16/10/2022 09:48

For the sake of argument let's say it IS innocent this time. So? Why is he doing it at all knowing the very real issues he caused with this woman last time? The stuff you know of is bad enough, and if he valued your marriage he should have thrown himself at your mercy and cut all ties with her for good.

He's messaging her again behind your back so whether it's "innocent" or not this time it's an utter betrayal. Don't waste your life on this crap.

MadeForThis · 16/10/2022 09:51

He's cheating. He probably never stopped.
He doesn't respect you.

Ekátn · 16/10/2022 09:52

So he cheated on you and hasn’t had the respect (to you) to cut contact with her and you won’t tell him to because ‘what if they are just friends?’

Do you understand how ridiculous this sounds?

It’s honestly like one of the threads where the Op is pretending to be someone famous or a character. And you are pretending to be Princess Diana. I am not saying. That to poke fun, but it’s what it reminds me of.

mommatoone · 16/10/2022 09:59

OP i mean this in the kindest way , but i could not live like this. Its not healthy.
I remember my partner coming home from holiday with a few 'gifts',
He had hidden them - not very well i might add!.
I only received one of them- the rest were for his bit on the side.
Go with your instinct OP.
I wish you all the best x

FleeUpFreeTime · 16/10/2022 10:13

Is you happiness and your marriage worth his disrespect and contempt of you and your vows?

Milkand2sugarsplease · 16/10/2022 10:17

But why would you accept him chatting as friends with someone he has cheated on you with in the past?

VoiceOfCommonSense · 16/10/2022 10:50

Sorry, yep he is probably still banging her I’m afraid. I hope it works out for you.

Bb16103 · 16/10/2022 11:02

Bless you OP, deep down you must know this is absolutely unacceptable. Nobody is in such desperate need for friends that they need to be in touch with someone they near cheated on their partner with. He knows it’s wrong himself, or he wouldn’t be deleting messages. Even if the messages are just blah blah blah it’s not right, you are his wife, she was at one time his near mistress & that situation must have threatened your relationship a great deal, there is no need whatsoever for them to be in touch & he should be doing everything to NOT jeopardise the marriage. How is this ok for you? The anxiety of just waiting for him to slip again must be dreadful.
Please know I come from a place of kindness, I went through a similar situation myself in the past, thank god no kids involved. But he was keeping a casual ex of his warm as backup because our relationship wasn’t stable (you can imagine why, when he was a deceitful sneaky bastard with half assed commitment & an ex in the wings) & he just couldn’t be on his own. The messages weren’t sexual so why the need to hide them (I insisted he did an iPhone backup & retrieved them to show me when he admitted to deleting. I don’t consider myself that controlling generally, but I was a woman on the edge at that point with the gaslighting & lies). They hide it because they know it is wrong. Like you, initially I wouldn’t have cared that he had a friend, but it’s the secrecy, the deleting, that stuff is well off. And I can tell you straight that when I snapped & left she was in my bed the next night. I was never angry with her really, she came across as very low self esteem & lonely & I fully blamed my partner.

StopStartStop · 16/10/2022 11:07

Oh dear.
Your husband has a girlfriend, he's had her for years. He's gaslighting you that she's 'just a friend'.

Don't say any more to him. See a solicitor and get those irritating ducks in a row, then divorce him. You might want an STI check, too.

Purplecatshopaholic · 16/10/2022 11:12

She’s not back - she’s never been away! He’s lying and cheating and has zero respect or care for you. Sorry op. If you put up with it, that’s on you.

Merryoldgoat · 16/10/2022 11:14

OP - you knowingly married someone untrustworthy.

Of course it’s suspicious. What did you think would happen?

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