To give my cousins money out of guilt

[Quaggainexcelsius]

Long story!
My DM had me when she young, unemployed and homeless. My grandparents bought a house for 18k outright for her and her sister to live in. This was in the late eighties.
My aunt moved out two years later and my grandparents gave her half of the house money (10k) for a deposit for her new house. My DM stayed there, with me, paying them back the 18k, until she got married when I was a teen. I then stayed in the house throughout uni, and into my mid twenties.
Then I got pregnant. My DP and I told my mum and grandparents that we intended to move out and rent. They said that they thought it was a waste of money and why don't we stay in the house. Looking back, we definitely should have used those years of not paying rent, only bills, to save. I was studying and then in low paid jobs but could have saved.
Later my grandparents said they intended to sell the house and we could use some of the money from the house sale for a deposit on a new house. I was thrilled but asked if it wasn't unfair on my cousins. They promised that they would also give my cousins a deposit when they came to buy. But then my mum said that as she was now in a house with my stepdad I could sell the house and use all of the money to put into a deposit.
I felt reassured and we were able to buy a lovely three bed in a nice area but I've always felt guilty. Guilty that I didn't work for it, guilty that my mum paid only 18k interest free and now has been able to pass on a 200k house to me and that my aunt won't be able to do the same as she took her half early. Guilty that we haven't trained to a similar level as my cousins yet have a house which they can't afford. Guilty that I had a baby when I wasn't in a financial position to do so.
When I speak to my cousins they do not seem to have been told that they will be helped with a deposit. They are all talking about buying one bed flats or moving to cheaper parts of the county, far away from family :( I'm wondering if I should do something.
In reality a bank would only loan me and DP enough for a one bed flat in this town. I don't know if I can change our lives that drastically out of guilt. And after all, my grandparents reassured me that they had something for my cousins anyway (although I very much doubt they have 200k for each of them, they're not that rich!)
I thought maybe I could buy another house (we're moving anyway for other reasons) which is closer to what we could have bought if we hadn't been so lucky and give my cousins 10k each? It's not a lot but it's realistically the most we could give without living in a shack.
My DP isn't keen he says that they're all in good jobs and have enough money for a deposit (maybe not for a house like ours) and that my mum paid off the house fair and square so it was hers to give to me. I'm not sure and I don't think I can enjoy a new house without feeling the guilt I have felt for all these years especially when my cousins start having kids and wanting to buy.
Thanks for reading

You seem like a lovely person for thinking about your cousins OP, but they are not your responsibility.

Your aunt took her money out of the house early and that is not your fault. Your grandparents may yet leave your cousins more of their estate in their will etc.

Has someone said something to you that makes you feel that your cousins expect financial help from you?

Enjoy your good fortune.
I'm sure your cousins wouldn't martyr themselves for you.

Why do you think this is your responsibility to fix OP?

I don't think there's an issue here and even if there was it would be your GP that would need to do something

Your mum may have got a house but your GP gave your Aunt 10k when she moved out which surely should have allowed her to put herself in a similar position to your DM. Perhaps not like for like but not far off?

I don't think there's an much of a discrepancy here as you think and I'm interested about why you feel guilty for things which really are nothing at all to do with you.

I dont understand the bit of your OP where you say your grandparents decided to sell the house. Earlier on you said they bought it for your mum and aunt and your aunt had her share and your mum paid off what she owed therefore what did they still own to sell? Or did they own the half that was your aunts as they basically bought her out when she took her share early?

I wouldn't feel guilty if all you've received is basically your mum's share of the value when sold plus a deposit sum from your grandparents which they intend to give all the cousins. You and your cousins will be treated equally by your grandparents. In terms of the rest, their own mum could've chosen when she took her share to go and buy another property herself and then subsequently sell that house and give your cousins money. She didn't. Your mum did that for you. She is your mum so hence only you beengite

Pressed post sorry.

...benefited just as your cousins would be the only ones to benefit from any choices your aunt makes regarding them, you wouldn't

There is nothing to feel guilty about and I don't really understand your feelings around this.

It's not your responsibility to give them money. Don't put yourself in debt because you're feeling guilty over something that isn't your problem.

If it were me, I'd follow my gut and give the cousins what I thought was reasonable and affordable. Only because it doesn't feel like you'll rest until it's sorted.

On the other hand, I'd be tempted to "let sleeping dogs lie". What the cousins don't know, won't hurt them. What if they ask for a larger share than you can afford? Then what? What if it negatively changes the family dynamics?

Maybe best to speak to your Grandparents first and let them know what you are planning to do. Also ask them what could be done to even the score. Then take it from there.

Also, if (a big IF) any guilt is to be felt, I would put it on your Mum and not you. But then again, her sister moved out voluntarily, so really, this is all from a hindsight perspective, which is never a good way to judge the past.

This has happened twice over in my family.

I think your aunt took her money out and that's really all there is to it.

My (much better off cousins) didn't share with me. I can't say I'm ok with it as such but it was theirs to decide what to do with.

@BackT if they had offered you something, would you have taken it?

my mum aunt and uncle all grew up in a council house in the SE, my mum and uncle moved out when they met partners, had kids, got on with life etc. My aunt didn’t, she lived away from home but always came back, eventually my aunt bought the house through right to buy. My grandma lived with her until she died. My aunt continued to live in their family home (although really it was her house as she paid the mortgage).
Eventually years and years later my aunt died, the house was worth like 20 times what she paid for it in the 80s so I inherited quite a sum (I was her only beneficiary as very small family and she was no contact with my uncle and cousins).

Do I feel guilty against the wider family who didn’t benefit from that council house? no not at all, never even considered it!
My uncle could have bought the house if he’d wanted, my mum could have too. But they didn’t because they left and built their own lives. My aunt paid the mortgage, the maintenance, all the costs and admin associated with owning a house for 40 years. She benefited from the market increases sure but she paid for that house and therefore was able to leave the asset to whoever she wanted.

Your aunt took her money out, that’s on her. Like any investment you can leave your money in and wait it out or you can take money out and do something else with it - you can never know which way will end up more rewarding.

@Quaggainexcelsius
Yes at the time I would have.

I wouldn’t do anything.
Your grandparents gave your aunt £10.000 and your mother repaid the £18.000
In whose name was the house? Your grandparents or your mother, if it was in grandparents names was the title then changed to your mother?
I think mum was very astute in paying her parents back. She secured a roof over her head.
If your aunt used the money as a deposit on a house then surely your cousins will inherit from their mother, you wouldn’t expect them to share it with you.
To be honest it’s really one of your business who your grandparents leave their money to.

Your mum repaid the money and your aunt used her €10k for a deposit for another house so everything is even Stevens?

I think it’s up to your grandparents to even it out between their 2 daughters. You have been treated far more lavishly than your cousins and you’ve not done anything much to “deserve” it.

I have an old friend who bought a flat with her sister with their parents’ help. Said sister was apparently a nightmare to live with and bullied my friend. My friend sold up her half at a bad time for property values and lost a valuable investment. Her sister profited.

You don’t know why your aunt moved out. I don’t think you should have more than your cousins just because your mother stayed in a house bought for her and her sister.

If I have read the post correctly you owe your cousins nothing. Your aunt took 10 grand and you say yoir mum.paid off the remainder . I don't understand why you think you owe them anything??

I suppose it's because they did everything the 'right' way, studying useful subjects, waiting until their financially stable to have kids, saving. Whilst me and my mum didn't/ haven't, but haven't really faced hardship.

*they're

Grandparents bought a house for 18k. Mum and aunt lived there. Aunt left and was given a separate 10k towards property. Your mum repaid Grandparents the full 18k. So she owed nothing.

No idea if aunt repaid any of her 10k.

I don't think you owe anything to anyone. Your mum benefited from a interest free loan and paid it back. Your aunt benefited from free accommodation and then an interest free loan and didn't (?) pay it back.

You are really overdoing it on the guilt Op.

Firstly, your aunt has a house and she’ll leave it to your cousins, in the same way your mum has done for you.

Secondly, going to university doesn’t make them more deserving of help than you. Why would it?

Your feelings about this appear quite obsessive and exaggerated. Is this low self esteem do you think?

Enjoy your good fortune and focus on living your life.

That’s just life though. Rarely is it the case that those with the most have worked the most. I think luck plays as much, if not more, of a role In peoples lives than hard work.

I don't quite understand all the ins and outs of the money but it seems to me that you have benefited because your mother moved in with a new partner, no longer needed her old home, and passed it on to you.

Your aunt presumably hasn't done the same so still needs to live in her house and cannot yet pass it on to her children.

I think you’re opening up a can of worms and I would just leave it shut . You could be opening yourselves up to starting a family feud over money and it might not end well .
Would your family feel the same in your position ?

Who actually owned this house? Your grandparents or your mother?

You are being absolutely ridiculous and if you feel this much guilty over absolutely nothing it’s probably a good idea to seek help.

Honestly OP you are really overdoing the guilt thing here. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Your Mum paid for the house fair and square. Your aunt got €10k which she presumably invested in property that has also appreciated in value. This is what your cousins will inherit in due course. What you Mum does with her house is nothing to do with your cousins, just as you will not be entitled to anything from your Aunts property.

More than this while gifting €10k to your cousins may make you feel better it would be an incredibly foolish thing to do. it could be seen as an admittance of some type of liability being owed to them when none exists. It may make them feel that they are entitled to more. It may raise bad feelings that are not currently there. You have a responsibility to your own family now and you will seriously disadvantage your child by taking the actions you are considering.