To give my cousins money out of guilt

[Quaggainexcelsius]

Long story!
My DM had me when she young, unemployed and homeless. My grandparents bought a house for 18k outright for her and her sister to live in. This was in the late eighties.
My aunt moved out two years later and my grandparents gave her half of the house money (10k) for a deposit for her new house. My DM stayed there, with me, paying them back the 18k, until she got married when I was a teen. I then stayed in the house throughout uni, and into my mid twenties.
Then I got pregnant. My DP and I told my mum and grandparents that we intended to move out and rent. They said that they thought it was a waste of money and why don't we stay in the house. Looking back, we definitely should have used those years of not paying rent, only bills, to save. I was studying and then in low paid jobs but could have saved.
Later my grandparents said they intended to sell the house and we could use some of the money from the house sale for a deposit on a new house. I was thrilled but asked if it wasn't unfair on my cousins. They promised that they would also give my cousins a deposit when they came to buy. But then my mum said that as she was now in a house with my stepdad I could sell the house and use all of the money to put into a deposit.
I felt reassured and we were able to buy a lovely three bed in a nice area but I've always felt guilty. Guilty that I didn't work for it, guilty that my mum paid only 18k interest free and now has been able to pass on a 200k house to me and that my aunt won't be able to do the same as she took her half early. Guilty that we haven't trained to a similar level as my cousins yet have a house which they can't afford. Guilty that I had a baby when I wasn't in a financial position to do so.
When I speak to my cousins they do not seem to have been told that they will be helped with a deposit. They are all talking about buying one bed flats or moving to cheaper parts of the county, far away from family :( I'm wondering if I should do something.
In reality a bank would only loan me and DP enough for a one bed flat in this town. I don't know if I can change our lives that drastically out of guilt. And after all, my grandparents reassured me that they had something for my cousins anyway (although I very much doubt they have 200k for each of them, they're not that rich!)
I thought maybe I could buy another house (we're moving anyway for other reasons) which is closer to what we could have bought if we hadn't been so lucky and give my cousins 10k each? It's not a lot but it's realistically the most we could give without living in a shack.
My DP isn't keen he says that they're all in good jobs and have enough money for a deposit (maybe not for a house like ours) and that my mum paid off the house fair and square so it was hers to give to me. I'm not sure and I don't think I can enjoy a new house without feeling the guilt I have felt for all these years especially when my cousins start having kids and wanting to buy.
Thanks for reading

No. Your aunt took her money early when the house was worth what it was worth. If anything, the aunt is to ‘blame’ (although not really). You have got nothing to be ashamed of at all. You’ve had a bit of luck and that’s all. Do you seriously think they’d share with you?…

I think it’s fair to feel no pride in the fact that you made poor decisions and are doing better than your cousins who made better decisions. Let’s not sugarcoat it.

You’ve already wasted some of the chances given to you (to save while living rent free). All the more reason to focus on what you can do from here to set up the next generations - and on the back of your own efforts, combined with the huge leg up you received.

Your grandparents worked hard to give you (via your mother) a legacy. Will your grandchildren be able to say the same about you?

Stay out of your own way and be grateful for your mother's sense.

Your grandparents may not have £10k disposable income to gift your cousins NOW, but how much is their house worth? Maybe they have it in mind to leave all their estate savings and hose) to just your cousins? They could end up being better placed financially than you are. Would your cousins then decide to gift you money to equalise the situation? It is very doubtful . They’ll say well, the OP had her share earlier, now it’s our turn.
BTW it isn’t unusual for testators, when omitting certain family members from their wills to state in the will, their reasons.
Also, for all you know, your grandparents have been waiting for your cousins to start house hunting before they offer assistance.
Enjoy the nice home you can provide for your family and avoid discussing the subject.If I was your husband I’d feel annoyed that you are considering reducing the family’s lifestyle out of misplaced loyalty and what about his share of your matrimonial property should the marriage end?

Don't be daft love, enjoy your house. You don't owe your cousins anything. Your aunt took her share a long time ago.

There are basically 2 ways to get on the housing ladder now. You can be a high earner (or a slightly less high earner and save like mad), or you can be lucky and come into some money. You're the latter. We can't go back in time and predict what a stroke of luck it was to have purchased property in the 80s. It's nothing to feel bad about. Arguably this is your DC's money you're thinking of giving away. Honestly, hang onto it and don't say anything.

Honestly, you sound like a twit!
Your grandparents gave their daughters the same start, nothing to do with you.
Your mother has very generously given you a great start.
Now you want to virtue signal to everyone, for what? So that you can put your own child in a poorer position?
Give your head a wobble! This doesn't make you look like a great person, it just makes you look like an idiot.
There is no sense to the narrative you have created in your head.

But your mom and aunt got the same didn't they? And your mom paid back what she was given? So you're mom owns the house and it has nothing to do with anyone else?

They're not due anything as your aunt decided to take her share years ago. She could have done the same as your mum and ended up with more, but she didn't. That's why your cousins didn't get more, not due to anything you did. Plus, no-one is entitled to an inheritance anyway.,

So you got to benefit from living rent free for however many years plus your grandparents have given you money (their share of the house?) as a deposit.

It's up to your grandparents to make it fair in terms of the deposit. As for the living rent free, if your grandparents did still own a share of the house and it wasn't all your mum's then yes you have been treated more favourably than your cousins. And, honestly, if I were them I would be pissed off. It sucks being the one doing everything right when someone else is getting rewarded for being irresponsible. But ultimately that again comes down to your grandparents.

You seriously need to look at why you feel so guilty for a situation you didn't create.
Don't get me wrong, I am not disputing your caring and generous nature, but I think it should be more focused on your DH and yourself and your future family just as your mother and grandparents did.
I've never heard of anyone taking on the burden of so much guilt on themselves over decisions made by older relatives - all adults - all capable of speaking up for themselves - decades ago... and feeling it's their duty to do something for cousins - who also were not involved in the original arrangement.

Just because your cousins are hard working - so what? They are independent - they have generous grandparents -just like you and their mother may also benefit them. ...So who appointed you to be their caretaker? I could understand if they were actually suffering, in extreme need or had diminished prospects but do they?.
Why do you feel so guilty about something for which you have so little responsibility. Is this something that you feel in every day life? if so I worry that you need to look into it as people may well take advantage of you. Other pps have mentioned low self esteem. This is not intended as an insult but merely that you may need to look into this and re evaluate how you think of yourself. Why can't you live with this guilt? You haven't done anything wrong? Why do you think of yourself in this way?

The grandparents helped both daughters out when they needed it. - your Aunt took her money out of the property - just because it was only £10k at the time, doesn't mean she didn't get value out of it. It was worth a good amount in real terms and would have been a substantial property deposit at the time if a house was worth £18k. I don't think either daughter was hard done by.

Your mother paid the £18k back - so she owes nothing and therefore you owe nothing.
It seems like you feel you owe everyone for living in the house, when your mother has paid for it. You were a child at the time. You also talk about your cousins in the plural and you don't mention siblings so possibly you are getting more from your mother than your aunt has to split between the cousins - but again, you are not responsible for the fact that your aunt had more children than your mother did.
You should carefully consider accepting your good fortune. Your cousins have also been fortunate, and also look at why you feel guilty and less deserving. Also look at the impact this could have on your DH because they share your life and it is money given to you by your relatives who wanted you to have it, and it seems unfair that you should give it away without very good reason.

I think the emotions you are feeling are the core issue here . The guilt the not feeling worthy . These are what you should be addressing . I don’t think giving your cousins money will make you feel more worthy . Everyone chooses a different path and their is no right or wrong path to take its fate . You are /where you are meant to be . Enjoy the position you are in and let the feeling of guilt go. You where/are not responsible for you aunt taking her share out early. I how you find peace in this situation .