Mother-in-law and my fussy eater

[2022Mum1]

We’re living with Inlaws at the moment for the next few months and every dinner time is so stressful. I have a very fussy eater who will only have foods consisting on pasta/rice for dinner. So today I made steamed broccoli, salmon and pasta. Mother-in-law comes in tutting saying “pasta again”. I’m really stressed. I can’t handle this anymore. I’m finding myself telling my DD off and trying to get her to eat food that’s not pasta or rice but she gets upset so do I. I’m at my wits end, she’s making me feel like a bad mother and constantly interfering and being critical at meal times. I’m feeling really low. I’ve started taking antidepressants too since living here and feel like hell.

DD’s new school is not helping either. They’re all a tight knit group and we’ve started in year 2, I’ve tried to get out of the house and arrange play dates but responses have been cold and obvious that they’re busy. One suggested we meet in half term which is over a month away. I’m feeling so low and depressed.

DH is not helpful either he tells me I’m overthinking MIL comments and she’s just making an observation! But her observation just really gets to me. It’s not just the good she’s critical of everything. She told me yesterday that I’m loading the washing machine wrong! Apparently you’re not supposed to just chick clothes in you have to shake them and put them in the drum nicely

DH can be in charge of cooking and washing from now on while you are there then.

I'm with the DH and MIL from what you've described. The "pasta again" comments sounds slightly annoying, but very easily ignored and I do agree with your DH that you're overthinking a throwaway comment far too much than it deserves. And I also agree with MIL that you don't just chuck clothes into the washing machine. You're supposed to check pockets for a start. I wouldn't be happy if someone was just chucking any old clothes into my washing machine.

It will all be over soon though, and when you get your house back/it's ready to move into, the MIL issue will go away and then you'll have more headspace to focus on the other things. Two months is not far away, although it might seem like it at the moment.

You're supposed to check pockets for a start.

I did check the pockets before putting in the basket, they were mine and the kids clothes only. She literally wanted me to shake them and out neatly in the machine

Even my underwear she was shaking out!

Re the washing machine - clothes don’t have to go in ‘nicely’, but you should be checking pockets for tissues and zipping up zips etc to avoid damage.
Re the food - a child who eats salmon and broccoli is having great food. Mine is like this - a limited choice, but it’s good stuff, so get some responses prepared and say them breezily. Ignore the pasta jibe and say‘oh it’s great that she eats Salmon and broccoli’. If she comes back again, just be firmer. ‘HV says it’s great that we’ve got her to eat broccoli . She’ll probably widen her choice as she grows - nothing to worry about’. Force yourself to smile and stay breezy . I’d like to think she’ll stop but ime this might take a while. Folks in mine and DH family still comment on my two not eating gravy and my eldest is 22. Some of them don’t seem to notice the irony that they themselves don’t eat certain foods that are far more ‘core’ to normal eating than gravy. I just reply pleasantly but firmly - ‘no need for anyone to have gravy’. Please don’t tell her off unless you yourself are not happy with her diet. DH did this once or twice in front of his parents about our DC and food but I knocked it on the head by warning him privately before the meal that I would not tolerate it.

I wouldn't take MILs comments to heart. She probably is of the school of thought that kids are only fussy if you allow them to be, or that if your child was hungry enough they'd eat anything.

Maybe she should keep her thoughts to herself, but I wouldn't let it get to you.

About the eating, maybe ask if she has any advice to help. And about the washing machine...I'd just say " if you don't like how I do it, feel free to wash and iron everything for me"

YANBU at all

It all sounds maddening

Why are you living in her home, it’s good of her to put you up; must be incredibly hard for her. Can you not move out into your own place?

People need to check pockets before they go in the basket in our house. I’m not ferreting about in other people’s dirty clothes. And they definitely don’t need to get shaken out and put in nicely.

They sound like the comments of someone who may be a little tired of having extra guests living in her home, touching her things.

I can imagine housing a whole family can be a little grating.

I don’t think I was clear - it’s not the fact she wants me to check the pockets as I do that before I put clothes in the basket. It’s the fact she said they need shaking out as they do t get crumbled in the wash and don’t need ironing! Even DH looked at her like she’s crazy and said he’s never seen her going that herself all the years he’s lived there.

Jesus she sounds bloody awful.
You have my deepest sympathy having to put up with her.

Are you making food for just your DD, or all of you? I'd be sick of pasta if I had it for every meal!

The clothes thing I get, if you put them in all bundled up they just don't wash as well.

Her comment is a throwaway comment, she's got a whole extra family living with her - it must be stressful suddenly having you all there.

Sounds irritating. but having an additional couple and young child in their home must be pretty disruptive for them.
If you are depressed, you possibly are overthinking casual comments. The washing machine thing sounds weird - but however I stack the dishwasher at my sister's home she re-does it.

If you don't like it, look for an airbnb?

Who are the meals for?

But her observation just really gets to me. It’s not just the good she’s critical of everything.

think carefully now, did MIL raise the perfect husband - or does he have flaws 😉 perhaps mention a few of his flaws and let MIL you expected better

Meals are just for DD we all eat what MIL makes as she won’t have it any other way.

No my choice to live with her. It’s a cultural thing don’t want to go into details as outing but she is very happy having us here. That is not the issue as this is how things are supposed to be in the culture.

You say that you're going to be staying with her for a few months. Is there anything you can do (between you and your DH) that could speed up the departure process?

If the meals are for your DD specifically, just say to your MiL, "We don't comment about what one another eats or drinks as we don't want to develop any complexes around food/drink, so please stop with the "Pasta again" comments. They are being picked up on"

Your DH needs to be more supportive of you.

I’d just do the washing when she’s not around or shake it when she’s watching for an easy life. DH can cook for your DD when she’s around too. Hopefully the time will go by quickly and you’ll be out of there before you no it.

Also, with regards to the laundry, find a local laundrette and do it yourself in machines that she has no say over.

What happens when ‘the culture’ doesn’t work?

I suspect I know which culture you are. But there’s a reason most cultures don’t do this.

The loading the washing machine thing is nuts. She can shake and place nicely, if she wants to. She can leave you to wash your clothes how you want to.

The washing machine thing is batshit 😂 of course you throw / chuck / dump the clothes in. Shaking them before is madness and utterly pointless

It’s absolutely none of her business what your feed your child. I wish my five year old would eat salmon and steamed broccoli!! She would only eat the pasta 🙄 keep doing what you’re doing and ignore.

Surely you should check your own pockets before chucking your clothes into the washing basket!