AIBU to want more information about inheritance?

[Mam8027]

My FIL passed away last year and left quite a sizeable estate, some investments and a £1.5million house that my MIL now lives in without a mortgage. He didn’t make a will and everything went to MIL.

My DH is the youngest of 3 brothers who were all privately educated. The eldest does very very well working in finance, the middle brother was given £100k by my FIL (before he passed) to go towards paying off some debts and to enable them to buy a rather large house. He earns well enough and his wife is a SAHM.

DH and I earn relatively well, both work full time because we have to, and have a 2 bed maisonette. We have a DS of 5 and I am pregnant again. We are comfortable but have had some hard times over the years due to Covid and taking a temporary salary drop, and we fell pregnant a little earlier than planned with my eldest and were in the middle of renovating our place.

MIL announced today that she is leaving money for all the grandchildren’s education when they turn 11. I’m not particularly an advocate for private education and am on the fence about it, but I know DH would like to have DC go. We wouldn’t have the money to send them privately ourselves (as it stands) unless we took out loans so we asked MIL for more information. We didn’t want to be in a position where we committed to something that we couldn’t sustain. MIL lost her mind and said we were greedy and money grabbing, and that it was her money to do with what she likes. We were not telling her to do anything different, we just wanted more info so we could make informed decisions. She said we had no right to anymore information at any point and chucked us out saying that the other brothers had said thank you and we should just be grateful like them.

We are massively grateful, but now DH is really down thinking that he doesn’t have a family and that he is being perceived as a money-grabber. He also feels like decisions are being made about his children without his input. AIBU to ask for more information? At this point our feeling is she can keep her money.

For context, the relationship between family members has always been a bit contentious particularly after FIL died; he was the glue. We earn less than everyone and they seem to struggle with the concept that we have to be careful with our money.

Your child is only five years old! Why would you need to know now?

“Needing to know” is at least 4 years away. I think you lacked tact in saying anything but “thank you”.

I would have continued to work under the assumption that my DCs would be attending state schools for secondary unless this was brought up again by MIL in detail at some later point - especially since going private doesn’t sound high on your list of priorities. Bizarre to have asked for details now.

I get why you asked for more info but I think in these scenarios it’s best to just say thanks that’s nice of you.

You're getting a hard time OP & I completely agree with you. Heaven help something happening to MIL & you saddled with something you don't agree with. Don't leave it.

If FIL died without a will it is possible his children should have received some of the estate unless everything was held jointly with MIL

Not sure why you didn’t just say thank you.

I also think it’s a bit off when someone’s wife or husband is questioning their fil or mil on inheritance.

I think that should have been a conversation with your dh and his mother alone. I wouldn’t be happy if my dp or dbros wife wanted to question my father and what he was leaving.

I get it impacts both of you and your child. But I think it’s a bit off.

The OP may be planning to move to a good catchment area in the future so asking for some more info isn’t that odd.

Let your DC enjoy being a child. Make sure he has a good school and is happy there. Forget about a private education for a now - ultimately that is a decision for you and your DH, not your MIL anyway.
Leave MIL to her strop.
Don't count on any of the money - she could change her mind (and her will) dozens of times before she pops her clogs.

Take it with a pinch of salt and make your own decisions for your family.
A friend of mine's parents said they'd pay for her twins to go to private secondary school. She applied and got offered places then the parents realised it was more expensive than they thought and went back on the offer. Left her in a bit of a pickle

For clarity we didn’t launch in with needing to know more without first saying thank you etc. I was trying to condense the encounter for Mumsnet. We aren’t that bad!
Also, I left the discussion to my DH and MIL as I am conscious that it really isn’t much to do with me.

I may have misunderstood but did she say "leaving money" as in, as part of her will. Or that she has set aside money now to pay for schooling while she is alive, because that is 2 very different things and one may hopefully not be applicable before your child turns 11.

I guess that the issue is that only DC who are privately educated will benefit from the estate. If intestate your MIL would be the sole beneficiary and it really is up to her how she wants to distribute it, if at all. It should be up to your DH to build bridges, preferably after a little time has lapsed.

I think the real issue is that one brother was given a £100k gift by FIL and it doesn't sound like there has been any attempt to level things up. I'd be quite upset by that.

From you MIL's totally over the top reaction to your perfectly reasonable request for more information, you do realise that this 'gift' will come with massive strings attached don't you.
Tell her to fuck off.

Leaving implies she is leaving money in her Will. This sounds crazy and manipulative.

FIL didn't make a will, so how did MIL end up with everything?

OP I completely understand wanting to understand what this offer does or doesn’t mean, it’s also a huge assumption of MIL as to what school your DC goes to.

If it was for education in general, so could be uni fees instead that’s one thing but to specify she basically might want to decide which secondary school your son goes to is a bit odd imo.

Would make more sense to level up the £100k his brother was given and leave it at that.

Well it was FIL’s choice when he was alive and we can’t really argue with that. There was talk of MIL levelling it up but then she started putting caveats on it and we decided it was more hassle than it’s worth. We’ve left it.

Being you’re married that’s what happens, everything goes to your next of kin - although imo odd to have those kind of finances and no will.

I get what you're saying.

Without knowing what the amount is you could be left cash for 1 child for 3 years of school, then you'd have to pull them out if you can't afford to continue it. And the following children wouldn't be able to go.

I don't think you're being grabby or looking too far ahead. If you can't afford to send all of the children to the same level then you'd be better off using the money for a better purpose.

Just because you're married it doesn't mean you automatically inherit everything. Rules of intestacy apply

Long story short, DH was told by eldest brother they were setting up a trust for the estate and gave DH documents to sign. Stupidly DH didn’t read what he was signing and it was actually to forego his stake in any inheritance and for it all to go to MIL

who inherits when no will

I too am confused about fil dying without a will but everything going to mil. Are you in the UK, or was all property jointly owned? The intestate rules are that assets over £270,000 are split 50% to a spouse and the rest between the children.

Is Mil "leaving" or "giving" ?because the former would require her to guarantee her death and the whole probate process completed well before first grandchild turns 11!

I don't think yabu to want to understand whats involved in this plan. Doesn't make you money grabbing. You are just wanting to plan.