To be constantly fantasising about living a totally different life?

[equestrianPedestrian]

I’m married and a SAHM to two young children (1 and 3). My children are my world, my husband is useless amongst other things and I could do without him. I don’t particularly enjoy being a SAHM but know this time is very short lived and I will be glad to have spent this time with them in the long term.

I keep watching TikToks of young girls living in their immaculate apartments with their perfect morning routines, working their corporate jobs, and spending a lot of time on well-being with trips to Pilates and making fresh, healthy meals in peace and quiet. I yearn for this. I had aspects of this prior to marriage and children and was significantly happier than I am now. I now know that I’m happiest when I have peace and quiet, a lot of time to myself, live in a clean and organised environment, and can focus on myself a lot. Not very compatible with young children. I don’t want to wait until the kids are older as I’m an older Mum anyway so will be heading towards retirement age at that point. I won’t be ditching my husband, (I’m not financially dependent on him) I just mentioned he’s useless to make it clear I don’t have much help or support. I don’t think constantly fantasising about this kind of life is helpful at all, but just wondered if anyone else feels this way? I reiterate my children are my world and I wouldn’t change them for anything

You know what you see isn’t reality??? Any adults who are happy and fulfilled aren’t making Tik Toks 🙈🙈

"I now know that I’m happiest when I have peace and quiet, a lot of time to myself, live in a clean and organised environment, and can focus on myself a lot. Not very compatible with young children."

But you had that before you had children. Your life is different now. Adapt and do your best, it's what we all do. Stop looking at crap on bloody TikTok

I relate to what you are saying.

How old are your children?

re kids it does get better in that you get more headspace and personal space as they get older.

That said, you will eventually have to deal with all andnany other issues - they dont go away.

Why would anyone happy with their life spend time recording, editing, filtering, posting, commenting, engaging on, etc their life through TikTok videos? Get a grip on reality (actual reality, not social media reality).

I genuinely think any adults who use Tik Tok have something lacking in their life. 😳

I think we all day dream about a different life. But don't forget, that underneath it all, these influencers are people who have their own stuff going on.

The early years are really hard, but it does get easier, as they get older. The time will fly by and it won't be long until they are in school.

What helped me, was planning a bit of time when the children were asleep so that I could have a bit of time to myself. Yes, I was limited in what I could do, but at least it was time to myself.

The only way you can realistically achieve this is to get a full-time job, they split with your husband & go 50-50.

Does that sound appealing?

I relate.

Could you agree an evening and a weekend morning each week to yourself where you get to feed that bit of yourself more?

If its financially viable could the children go to nursery a couple of mornings a week? (3 year old should get 15hrs free funded hours)

Or find classes that offer creche facilities. Or find classes you enjoy that you can take them along to, I did family yoga when mine were young.

The early years are hard and the constant lack of me time can be draining. But they don't last forever, if being a sahm is going to be for the foreseeable, once they are at school you will have plenty of time to yourself.

What is your actual fantasy? Single child free life? A corporate job? A clean house?

I have been thinking about another life

Infact, I am in the process of getting everything sorted out, hurrah ! A new beginning

However, it is not the same as what you are wishing for

Some people are dreamers

Some people are doers

This time next year, I should be doing something different

With the greatest respect to OP, posts like these affirm my decision not to have children.

I have a lovely (small and not perfect but just my style) London apartment, a few nice trips every year, lots of time with my partner, and lots of time alone. I literally have the life I've always fantasised about and wouldn't think to daydream about anything different.

I know that other people have different priorities to me, but it does make me wonder why on earth people choose the parent lifestyle? There must be some very sensible and compelling reasons (global population saturation issues aside), but I just do not get it.

you say you love peace and quiet and alone time so the obvious thing to me would be to talk to your useless husband that he needs to step up and give you a block of time in the week, Saturday afternoon say, where he is in charge of the kids and you can take yourself off. A small positive change like that might make you less discontented with your current set-up.

I think we all have fantasies. Mine is to live alone in a little country village with a beautiful garden and a couple of cats.
I'm reality my real life is probably better and I do love despite the fact it's chaotic, disorganised and exhausting.

Because it's the normal thing to do.

I don't have children either but your post sounds incredibly patronising and downright stupid. You're framing it as though the OP made an odd and unusual choice that is rare for people to do when in reality, you (and I) are the odd ones out in the grand scale of things.

If your parents were anything like you, you wouldn't even have a life that you've always fantasised about and someone else would be living in your "small but just your style" London apartment.

What you are doing, to me, looks like a harmless habit that's turning into something destructive

You need to try and engage with the useless his and and make him do more

You need to find time for yourself in your existing life. When my kids were that age, I put a lock (high, out of reach for the kids) on my bathroom and bedroom. For 2 nights a week, after the kids were in bed, I'd lock myself in bed or bathroom for some quiet time. I also joined a gym, some nights I'd literally just sit in the sauna for a bit and read a book in the café

You deserve some me time, and a room that is out of bounds for the kids and kids mess (eg your bedroom)

So start making changes to your real life

The quiet perfect Instagram life is an illusion anyway

What a stupid response.

“because it’s the normal thing to do”

🙄

My parents regretted having kids and told me so. They were rather a lot like me!

Maybe my post didn't hit like I intended it to, and I'm sorry about that. Having kids IS "normal", which I think is part of the problem, in a way. People (especially women) are encouraged to choose that lifestyle as a default and not encouraged to get in touch with what makes them, as individuals, happy.

My point was that I was on the same page as the OP but from a different perspective, and also making a point that posters saying "perfect quiet lives are all faked for social media" aren't quite correct.

It is normal. I'm not saying to not have any children is abnormal, but having them is the normal thing to do by societal standards. That poster was saying "I just don't understand" as though the OP had done something that is completely out of the blue and unusual.

I’m genuinely spooked out by your post because it sounds like someone writing downmy exact thoughts and feelings! I’m also a (reluctant) SAHM, mostly due to a workaholic and overall useless DH and a DD who is possibly ND so she needs more supervision and patience. I tried going back to work but DD really struggled doing longer hours at nursery so we’re in a limbo state where I’m with her for longer and just taking things a week at a time.

Social media is my only escape and I also watch lots of Tiktoks showing the amazing lives of people living alone with no kids. My own life used to be like that for quite a number of years so I also replay memories endlessly in my head. I love DD but I also ache for the days when I only had myself to take care of. I know that someday my life will return to that state again but it’s been bloody hard and there’s still some way to go.

I suppose it’s a coping mechanism to get over the endless grind of a life that is not enjoyable at all. I do have isolated happy moments with my DD (the cute kid stuff, milestones etc) but it’s mostly overshadowed by the monotony and isolation of being left alone with a small kid. Despite being home most days, DH has never prepared her a meal or put her to bed since she was born. The most he does is pour her a bowl of cereal once every 4 weeks and he made her plain pasta once the entire past year.

So yes, you are not alone and there’s even less point of beating yourself up for spending time on social media. People tell you to do things for yourself or take me-time but sometimes it’s just not possible. That hinges on having a supportive partner who is willing to let you enjoy time alone without using weaponised incompetence to prevent you from doing it again. Or grandparents but that is also not guaranteed. So if you only have a hours free time to scroll on your phone then do it! Indulge in those Tiktoks and let your brain do some wandering

I agree, and FWIW when I said normal I actually meant "normal" too.

Could you consider going back to work OP? Being a SAHM isn't for everyone and there's no shame in that.

Go back to work ffs

Regarding whether its normal to have children

Yes in some ways, thats what animals do, they procreate

But women in developed countries are having fewer and fewer children. The more educated or higher income women are choosing not to have children.

Thats come about because women have the choice.

So yes its normal but its less and less normal.

Daydreaming is not going to help you change your life.

You always have options:

• if your husband is ''useless'' you can choose to leave him. You can then use the days that he will be looking after the children to have more time for yourself. There is no reason for your to stay with a man who brings nothing positive to the relationship and family life
• you can get a job.

You seem to be a passive spectator in your own life by staying with a man you don't seem to like much and by doing nothing to change what bothers you.

Change is scary but you won't achieve anything by looking at social media all day.