Please help me, I need to be a better person

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I really struggle to take criticism or negative feedback. I want to improve with everything I do and I know criticism is the only way, but it feels like I’m a failure and I’ve let everyone down when I get criticised. I try so hard to keep myself together but I end up crying and getting upset and I physically can’t stop it, it just makes me hate myself so much. I need to improve at this but I don’t know how!!

Just for some context, I don’t have a pushy family but they expect me to try my best in everything.

My mum started me at horse riding when I was of nursery age, and by the time I was 5 I had a pony and I was jumping 90cm courses at the age of 8. I was completely fearless of the riding itself, but was always very highly strung about getting praise or criticism from my instructor and used to cry when I got bad feedback. My mum was told I was a good rider but I wasn’t really, I was just a typical fearless kid who liked jumping. There wasn’t any real talent in there. But my mum expected me to be good and although she never put pressure on me, I didn’t want to let her down and she had high expectations for my riding. If I fell off, I got straight back on. Any tears, upset or bratty behaviour and the pony was getting sold tomorrow and I wasn’t riding again (typical pony mum 😉). My mum just expected me to be good and she was paying a lot of money so wouldn’t tolerate me not riding well.

When I was 5/6 I was sent to an overnight pony camp for 6 days. I was the youngest by several years and only went because my mum had mutual friends of mutual friends who said it was a good learning experience and that it would make me a better rider and a more independent child. So I went and even though I was still really little, I was expected to behave, enjoy it and to learn a lot and ride well to make a good impression. I remember being worried that I wouldn’t be good enough and everytime I got criticised during the lessons, I took it so personally and had to try not to cry. But I was worried they would tell my mum I was a terrible rider and she would be embarrassed of me. I did have fun but with hindsight I think I was too young for it really

I also remember when I was 9 we went to view a jumping pony and I was so nervous I rode badly. The seller offered to give me lessons and said my mum could drop me off everyday for the rest of the halfterm holiday from 9-5 ish and I would help her on the yard all day and also get training with her.
(Now that I think about it, that’s actually potentially a bit dodgy to be left with a stranger over an hour away like that! My mum just wanted me to be a better rider though) She was strict in lessons and I would work so hard but was never good enough, and she gave my mum very honest feedback about what I needed to work on (everything) and I was absolutely heartbroken. I hated that week and cried myself to sleep every night but had to act happy in front of my mum because tears or upset at this would have made her cross that I was being a brat and she absolutely did not want me to be a shit rider

I remember overhearing a different instructor telling my mum I was a disobediant brat in my private lessons and my mum was so disappointed and cross with me and I cried for days. She said I would never be a good rider because I had a horrible attidude. I was only 8 ish and the truth is I couldn’t hear her instructions or which letters she was calling because she spoke so quietly and the arena was huge. But I was too nervous to tell her.My mum was so disappointed and cross with me and I felt so upset but I didn’t think she would believe me if I told her. I never wanted to disappoint or let down my mum like that ever again

There was other stuff but I would be hear all night explaining it! In short, I feel like I had to act mature and tough as a child but now as an adult I’m a perfectionist that breaks down at the slightest bit of imperfection or critisism. I need to work on this and I don’t know how. I obviously don’t care about letting down my mum anymore but during my riding training I still get really upset when I get critical feedback, even when I know it’s well deserved. And it’s not just at riding- at work my boss gave me some advice for improvement (in an extremely positive way!) and I had to go into the bathroom to compose myself. I felt like such a stupid failure and that I can’t do anything right.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can toughen up a bit more?

Thanks 🙌🏻

You sound to me as though you have internalised a sense of not being good enough due to the things you have been told about yourself by others. Criticism always stings, but it stings more if our main source of validation comes from what we want others to think about us.

You can't change your past experiences, but I sincerely hope that yo consider starting to like yourself more. Self compassion and self-validation will enable you to be OK in spite of what others think of you.

Work out what your values are- what makes you feel most alive when you act in that way and you stick to those experiences and behaviours, that way even if the situation doesn't work out in accordance to your preference or you get criticised, then you can trust that you did your best anyway.

Look up Kristin Neff for self-compassion and stop looking for validation from those determined not to give it to you. Once you like yourself more, it will mean less when others criticise you (which is largely based on their needs rather than yours anyway).

Look up Acceptance and Commitment therapy and distress tolerance skills from DBT.

It's a long but worthy journey to realise you don't need to be perfect to be lovable and that the most important opinion is your own.

And you mum sounds quite narcissistic (as in focused in her own needs over yours), which is not your issue to solve. She needs to do her own work, her needs are not your responsibility.

Give yourself permission to be mediocre.

You were treated horribly as a child. The precision of your memories of those awful experiences in riding lessons makes me think you were seriously traumatised. I don't know what path you can take to recover and undo that damage, but a first step must be to realise how abnormal and destructive this was.

The thing about is. You need to become secure in your own sense of self and b*gger anyone else. Also. Forget when stuff goes wrong. Tomorrow is another day

Oh, by the way xxx

Look up Brene Brown’s work on shame. It literally changed my life. I think things have changed a lot for the better but when I grew up shaming children was a common and regular disciplinary technique.

I was the same, it was actually triggered for me when I was pregnant and made a couple of cock ups at work due to extreme stress and then had my own children which brought it all back. Work suddenly seemed impossible, every day I feared making a mistake. I had some counselling and it centred on childhood experiences and how shaming they had been. I was so sceptical at first that childhood stuff actually meant anything (Brene Brown talks about this too) but turns out yes those early experiences mean everything. I am no longer a perfectionist and accept that being good is enough. Also that humans all make mistakes - but to live a truly fulfilling life you have to get out in the arena.

I’d really suggest a good therapist to help unpick and address this. I feel for you, sounds like an awful lot of pressure for a small child

Your mum was trying to live her dreams through you. Instead of letting you enjoy riding for the sake of it, she was unreasonably pushing you to be top of the game.
You really would benefit from counselling. You need to learn to be easier on yourself.

Counselling. There was a lot of expectation on you as. Child. You say ‘obviously I don’t care about letting my mum down any more’ but I bet you do.

Do you enjoy riding or are you still trying to please your mum through it? You talk all about still working at your riding. I have ridden on and off throughout my life (currently off, due to being so busy) but my main so has always been enjoyment. When I returned as an adult I improved a lot - but partly because my kick arse teacher taught me the importance of relaxing on a horse - which made me relaxed and happy and the riding enjoyable. Your riding sounds pressurised & all about working even now.

The issue isn't with you OP, but with your upbringing. I'm guessing your mother was an underachiever who projected all her hopes and dreams onto you. Any negative emotion you showed was quickly suppressed. In short, you weren't allowed to be sad or upset, as your mother couldn't deal with it. So it was always you who was presented as the problem (even in your OP, you haven't criticised anyone but yourself!).
It's going to take work and time to unpick all of this. Have you considered counselling? I'm thinking CBT might be good.
Best of luck

I agree with previous posters. I never had your experiences with a pony, but the gist of it resonates with me very well- my dad pushed all of his aspirations onto me due to me being the only out of his three children who were academic. The pressure to perform stays with me until this day- he’s still the first person I need to tell when something has gone well and sadly, also the person I cannot tell when things go badly. It’s not because we are incredibly close or he’s just truly an amazing support, believe me. I’ve just been programmed to perform and it’s hard to stop. I really struggle with criticism, same as you, because I just remember the endless conversations growing up about my failures and the hours spent in bed crying myself to sleep. This isn’t support, however your mum likes to look back on it.

Reads like a cautionary tale for pushy parents and their extra curricular activity obsession. How not to do it and to mess your child up!

I have a lovely friend who is unintentionally doing similar but not so unkindly. The mum is super focussed on her 9 year old being amazing at an activity then puzzles as to why the Dd is displaying these stress / anxiety symptoms…

OP I think you're a perfectionist with poor self esteem. You need to deal with that, find self coaching strategies every time you feel this way.

I rhink the worst is you were never taught the skills to handle a loss, just to mask, and it is really a big skill - teamed with impossible standards that set you up to fail when you were a kid that made you feel a failure no matter how well you did or how hard you tried.

if I had been your mum I would have told you that you were amazing for trying and theres no way Id have pushed you that hard. Also sounds like your mum got her own self respect and validation from having the perfect daughter (which she did have already, you didn't need to ace pony riding for that!). Classic pushy stage mum loving vicariously through her daughter at the cost of her own daughters mental health.

Maybe start reading around perfectionism, learning to cope with making mistakes and even try a bit of CBT? And get some good self coaching strategies like join a great gym if you can afford it, go for a workout every time you have a challenging day then enjoy the self care (sauna, steam room whatever).

And remember you don't need to be achieving something to be çonfident or happy - just being you is enough.

Your mum sounds like a typical pushy pony club parent . Saw it all the time , oh my daughters the best rider , daughter looks terrified and can't even trot .
Doesn't sound like it's you with the problem

You say your mum never put pressure on you but she absolutely did, in every aspect of you childhood riding experiences. Fun and enjoyment seem to not feature.

I agree with other that some counselling might help unpick why you are so hard on yourself, and why perfect isn't always the best.

Any tears, upset or bratty behaviour and the pony was getting sold tomorrow and I wasn’t riding again

So I went and even though I was still really little, I was expected to behave, enjoy it and to learn a lot and ride well to make a good impression.

I hated that week and cried myself to sleep every night but had to act happy in front of my mum because tears or upset at this would have made her cross that I was being a brat and she absolutely did not want me to be a shit rider

There is nothing wrong with you as a person. The amount of pressure you have been put under since a small child without being allowed to let our your feelings (or bratty behaviour as you call it) will have had a great affect on you. It doesn’t sound like anyone helped you regulate your emotions or encouraged you that you were trying your best and that that was fine. I would seek out some therapy to help you understand the above and heal 💐

Try reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Sounds like your mother did an absolute number on you, no wonder feedback is hard to hear

Therapy. Now. And be prepared to learn to think differently about your childhood, your upbringing and your mum.

my mum was not dissimilar to yours, but her focus was more doing well at school / high marks and generally being someone she’d could show off about. It hobbled me for years and years, being such a people pleaser and chasing academic success - with no clue as to what I actually wanted to do. My sister had it worse than me, and was very like you - totally strung up and unable to accept any criticism without it being a huge ordeal. She eventually had a major breakdown due to the pressure she was putting herself under to live up to all these expectations, then depression / anxiety were diagnosed and a lot of counselling. It was very hard for her, she still has a lot of anger towards my mum but has developed new ways to deal with it.

The weight of parental expectations can be very very heavy and damaging, and I am trying very hard not to put them on my own children. I don’t want to be like my mum. I’m sure she thought she was doing the right thing at the time.

she never put pressure on me

Yes she did. Tons of it. You never had any choice in the matter. She made you start riding when you were tiny and did all these things after that were too much for a little kid. Parents can give DC opportunities, but the impetus then has to come from DC, from their own interest in the thing itself, not from needing to please and not feeling good enough. Failing is innate to being human and makes us much more interesting people that always winning and being perfect.

Oh and in answer to your thread title. No you don’t need to be a better person. You are absolutely fine as you are. Flaws and all!
I make mistakes, forgive myself, strive to learn from them and then move on. I definitely don’t beat myself up, apart from the initial “oh bugger. I cocked up there”. I accept I am human and humans can’t be perfect all the time. Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect.

Your moms the problem here not you, others here have put good info about shame, perfectionism etc, it’s not your fault op, you’re just the result of abusive parenting, acknowledge this then go from there. Go easy on yourself.

Sorry it wasn’t clear from my post but I do riding purely for the love of it now, not to prove anything to anyone else. I have a beautiful horse who I love to bits and i compete with, and I have an instructor and train hard and am still too sensitive to critisism from anyone, but i genuinely have fun with riding and don’t do it for anyone else apart from me and my horse ❤️

I think it’s just when I think about these experiences more and more that I realise they are unusual compared to other peoples childhoods. There’s regularly posts here from people unsure if their child is too young for a sleepover yet I was sent away for 5 days to a stables I had never been to before when I was 5/6, and then when I was 9 having to go up every day to a different stables with an lady I’d only met once before, by myself, where I spent 8 hours doing all the stables chores and getting completely torn to pieces for my riding when she taught me. I always assumed other people had similar experiences but nobody I’m close to in real life seems to! I’d have thought they would have toughened me up a bit because I was used to situations I didn’t like but if anything they’ve done the opposite and made me weaker.

Equestrians are notorious for being tough and impatient; I think in many cases it is generational trauma - they were taught by being shouted at and they repeat that behaviour when they teach others.

I also think as far as non-riding parents go, they sometimes don't understand that a rider can be off form and have a bad day just like a footballer or golfer or cross-country runner.

And I think lots of us can relate to the timid child who would not dream of complaining that they couldn't hear the teacher properly, in case they were told off on the assumption that other adults are always in the right.