Please help me, I need to be a better person

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I really struggle to take criticism or negative feedback. I want to improve with everything I do and I know criticism is the only way, but it feels like I’m a failure and I’ve let everyone down when I get criticised. I try so hard to keep myself together but I end up crying and getting upset and I physically can’t stop it, it just makes me hate myself so much. I need to improve at this but I don’t know how!!

Just for some context, I don’t have a pushy family but they expect me to try my best in everything.

My mum started me at horse riding when I was of nursery age, and by the time I was 5 I had a pony and I was jumping 90cm courses at the age of 8. I was completely fearless of the riding itself, but was always very highly strung about getting praise or criticism from my instructor and used to cry when I got bad feedback. My mum was told I was a good rider but I wasn’t really, I was just a typical fearless kid who liked jumping. There wasn’t any real talent in there. But my mum expected me to be good and although she never put pressure on me, I didn’t want to let her down and she had high expectations for my riding. If I fell off, I got straight back on. Any tears, upset or bratty behaviour and the pony was getting sold tomorrow and I wasn’t riding again (typical pony mum 😉). My mum just expected me to be good and she was paying a lot of money so wouldn’t tolerate me not riding well.

When I was 5/6 I was sent to an overnight pony camp for 6 days. I was the youngest by several years and only went because my mum had mutual friends of mutual friends who said it was a good learning experience and that it would make me a better rider and a more independent child. So I went and even though I was still really little, I was expected to behave, enjoy it and to learn a lot and ride well to make a good impression. I remember being worried that I wouldn’t be good enough and everytime I got criticised during the lessons, I took it so personally and had to try not to cry. But I was worried they would tell my mum I was a terrible rider and she would be embarrassed of me. I did have fun but with hindsight I think I was too young for it really

I also remember when I was 9 we went to view a jumping pony and I was so nervous I rode badly. The seller offered to give me lessons and said my mum could drop me off everyday for the rest of the halfterm holiday from 9-5 ish and I would help her on the yard all day and also get training with her.
(Now that I think about it, that’s actually potentially a bit dodgy to be left with a stranger over an hour away like that! My mum just wanted me to be a better rider though) She was strict in lessons and I would work so hard but was never good enough, and she gave my mum very honest feedback about what I needed to work on (everything) and I was absolutely heartbroken. I hated that week and cried myself to sleep every night but had to act happy in front of my mum because tears or upset at this would have made her cross that I was being a brat and she absolutely did not want me to be a shit rider

I remember overhearing a different instructor telling my mum I was a disobediant brat in my private lessons and my mum was so disappointed and cross with me and I cried for days. She said I would never be a good rider because I had a horrible attidude. I was only 8 ish and the truth is I couldn’t hear her instructions or which letters she was calling because she spoke so quietly and the arena was huge. But I was too nervous to tell her.My mum was so disappointed and cross with me and I felt so upset but I didn’t think she would believe me if I told her. I never wanted to disappoint or let down my mum like that ever again

There was other stuff but I would be hear all night explaining it! In short, I feel like I had to act mature and tough as a child but now as an adult I’m a perfectionist that breaks down at the slightest bit of imperfection or critisism. I need to work on this and I don’t know how. I obviously don’t care about letting down my mum anymore but during my riding training I still get really upset when I get critical feedback, even when I know it’s well deserved. And it’s not just at riding- at work my boss gave me some advice for improvement (in an extremely positive way!) and I had to go into the bathroom to compose myself. I felt like such a stupid failure and that I can’t do anything right.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can toughen up a bit more?

Thanks 🙌🏻

Do you have any hobbies or activities you enjoy without feeling the need to achieve? I would suggest you find things to do that you enjoy, in themselves, non-self-consciously, not performing.
Also explore the types of self-help books that encourage you to feel good in yourself and avoid the ones that are about achieving / performing.

I’m glad you enjoy riding now OP.

I wouldn’t expect the situations you were in to toughen you up OP - we tend to toughen up when put in situations slightly outside our comfort zone, where we know we have a secure, safe person we can go back to. For a 5 year old that might be staying at an aunt’s, or starting school - not being sent away to stables somewhere unknown for 5 days. It must have been terrifying rather than exciting. It also sounds as it must have been hard for you to trust that your mum would accept you feeling scared & uncomfortable, or that she would understand where you wanted to be. It doesn’t mean she didn’t love you, just that she didn’t provide you with what you needed to feel safe & secure.

was your mum sent to boarding school at a very young age (like 6) or something?

Of course your mum put lots of pressure on you. You had a pony you loved and had the threat of him being sold if you didn't conform regardless of your feelings. And I'm a horse rider by they way!

Op just to add, I voted YANBU because, like every other poster on here, I’m on your side. However, I wanted to say, in case you wonder about the split vote, the voting isn’t clear (YABU to think you are to blame or are the problem!) 💐

You are worthy of unconditional love, OP. Your past experiences in childhood don't have to doom you to a life of dysfunctional self judgement and relationships with others. If you have the resources, I think attending a hypnotherapist to work on self-love/self-acceptance can be a very helpful jumpstart (even if only for one session or a handful of sessions). Cheaper options are Buddhist meditation, which can help break the cycle of negative reaction.
I wish all the best for you, you deserve it. You can change at any time, don't feel hopeless, never condemn yourself for past actions.

Oh dear, you are in a muddle but I am convinced it is solvable, you can sort this all out and be content. I was involved in motivation in the workplace and I am a qualified instructor for another sport/hobby/pastime. Recently I took up a new hobby and I am rubbish at it, it will just not work for me even if I practice every day.
So question 1. Asses the reality. Do you want to be competitive? If yes, at what level?
Q 2. In your own post I think you said "you only want to ride for enjoyment". If that is true why all the shouting and 'scolding'? Do 'they' want you to be competitive so that the instructor can claim to have trained you to be a winner?
The sport I am in is like riding, some people compete in the Olympics others meander around with friends.
If one is an instructor one has to recognise what you are training people for. I did not train for competitions; those candidates were passed on to instructors/trainers. There is a big difference. Your teacher/instructors sound obsessed.
(more later) or PM me.

Anyone who has any understanding of teaching/coaching young children will know that your experiences were very poor and damaging. I'm so pleased it hasn't destroyed your love for riding at least.

Teaching sport to young children should be all about fun and positive reinforcement. Not criticism like you experienced.

Your mum sounds pushy and unempathetic.

Be kind to yourself.

I don't think you need to be a better person, OP!

What you need is to stop trying to be "better" all the time and just be ... shock horror ... a "person".

An ordinary person. Good at some things. Less good at others. Dreadful at one or two.

When people give you feedback at work, they are not full of emotion and disappointment with you. You are their colleague/employee. They want to help things to go smoother at work and share their view on how you might do that, but they are not lying awake at night thinking about you and how you have let them down. Sad to say - they are probably not thinking about you much at all!

Perhaps there is something in these very critical, disappointed figures you create in your mind which does have some kind of a pay-off for you - at least there is an idea of someone who is very invested in you, even though they are critical and feel so disappointed in you.

The underlying issue is probably that when you were a child, despite all the pushiness and investment, no-one was much interested in you as you ACTUALLY were - as a separate developing person. It was all about your fitting in with them and providing the sort of experiences that are gratifying to a parent.

That is a very frightening feeling and so I think you cling on to the idea of these critical, but invested, figures to kind of compensate for the fact of not really having felt seen or heard at all as a real person, and the feeling that no-one paid much attention to your needs (sending you away at 5 yrs, putting you with a stranger at 8).

At least if you have a very critical disappointed figure in your mind whom you have to please all the time, you can feel like someone is interested in you in a manner of speaking.

Very good points above about contrasts in feedback.
What do you like about your sport?
The riding
The jumping score.
The horse(s) as in just being around horses and the schooling and caring.
Have you tried driving? Would that be possible? Somewhere to keep and drive a gig?

You don’t need to toughen up. You’ve been tougher than anyone could ever expect you to be for your whole life. You need to begin again, begin working on seeing things - yourself, your family, your riding, as they really are. You are a striver and a worker and I bet you could be a success at anything you wanted, if you take the tough with the smooth, the highs with the lows, the great with the not so great! But I can completely and utterly understand why that is hard for you at the moment. I can empathise strongly, as a Pony Club kid with a horsey family background, family’s high expectations across every aspect of life don’t prepare us for much except feeling that we’re not good enough. And you won’t leave that (very inaccurate!) feeling behind if you don’t take steps to see it for what it is. Those feelings you have are feelings, not facts, not truths. Be your own best mate and put yourself first.

Oh the floodgates you opened with this! I could have written that word for word, exactly my experience, and I mean EXACTLY. I’ve spent my whole life wishing I was tougher, less of a perfectionist, less convinced everyone who met me hated me etc. I’m now early forties and sadly no magic cure, but therapy and medication for anxiety helped, but really just maturing, having my own family and my own relationships have repaired a lot of damage. My therapist told me that my relationships with my children (yes they ride, but in the way I wish I had been treated!!) allowed me to ‘re parent’ myself, and that more than anything has helped. I’m still working on trying to ‘forgive’ myself for the (perceived) things I did as a child/ teenager (forgetting my riding hat to a show once was just horrific… horrific. The words that were thrown at me…). Things do get better, it just takes time.

How can you say your Mum didn't pressure on you when she had such high expectations of you and your value to her, your worth, was determined by how good an horse rider you were?!

As a child and adolescent, my value was that I was academically intelligent and got into a decent boarding school and uni (a lifetime ago!). God forbid I didn't conform and get the results Mother demanded.

My sister was the one who rode and was under pressure from a young age to compete/succeed.

We were expected to succeed where my Mother failed and, strange as it sounds, we grew up life poor, but got the horse opportunities via Mum's boyfriends and friends she scammed. I got a scholarship/bursary.

I totally relate to being an adult who wilts at the slightest criticism. I feign acceptance of constructive feedback, but it sets of extreme feelings of anxiety and self-loathing.

As an adult, I've set the bar low and consistently done things below my capabilities, as I then don't have to deal with my perfectionist internal drive/voice.

What a sad post. You don't need to be a 'better person'... first you need to love yourself warts and all. You have great insight into the challenges you faced as a child. A good counsellor will help you gain confidence in yourself. All the best

You aren’t the only one