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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Splitting living expenses

43 replies

Sarabbb · 24/09/2022 06:07

Hello, I just wanted to gauge what do people think is reasonable in the circumstances.

My husband earns 10k more than me and insist on splitting all the costs/bills equally (the money we pay into a joint account for bills). We also have separate savings and current accounts. This is while I do the majority of food shopping and baby clothes/baby care shopping which is not included in the joint account. He also has over 10k savings more than me in his account. I feel that he should be contributing proportionately to his salary or alternatively we should add there money specifically for groceries, baby care stuff. Do you think I am unreasonable? How do you guys split your expenses when one party earns more?

OP posts:
AuntieDolly · 24/09/2022 06:08

Why doesn't food and baby stuff come from the joint account?

PhoneyM · 24/09/2022 06:16

Do a budget spreadsheet 🤓 that has everything in it that’s ‘house’ or ‘family’. Then split it 60/40 or whatever ratio for take home pay. If you share a car/ petrol include all that too. Basically anything other than personal expense.

Coffeaddict · 24/09/2022 06:19

Baby stuff and food are household expenses so need need to be included in the household budget.
And yes he should contribute more

DifficultBloodyWoman · 24/09/2022 06:19

DH currently earns more than 4x what I do. Everything goes into our joint account and we each get the same amount of ‘pocket money’ transferred to our personal accounts so that he will never know how much I spend on nails and hair and I will never know how much he wastes on lottery tickets, pretentious coffees, phone apps etc.

What on earth is the justification for you being solely responsible for food and baby related items?

Skiingwithgin · 24/09/2022 06:20

We pay in pro rata, DH earns double me so he puts in double me, meaning we both have similar to spend personally pro rats to our salaries.
but we’re both high earners, full time in the NHS, he’s just risen far faster and earns more than me. it’s not like I earn pennies so not sure how fair it would be if one person was part time or not reaching their full potential. Each to their own I guess.

but all joint costs should be joint! And his saving should be joint!

MinnieMountain · 24/09/2022 06:22

We split things proportionately to salaries until we had DS. Now all our money goes into and out of one account.

BarbaraofSeville · 24/09/2022 07:05

Pay for groceries and all child related costs from the joint account for a start. Not sure why you'd not do this, as it's a joint cost.

Of course he should pay more in if he earns more.

Does his insistence of a 50/50 split extend to childcare, laundry, cooking, cleaning, sick days, medical appointments, hobbies and nights out etc?

Rainbowqueeen · 24/09/2022 07:06

Both are true. He should be putting in more and groceries and baby expenses should come out of the joint account.

His behaviour is financially abusive.

Teenyliving · 24/09/2022 07:09

Bet you do almost all the household tasks as well?

how can you possibly think it’s a fair arrangement and why would you put up with being treated like that

KangarooKenny · 24/09/2022 07:09

Yes, he’s financially abusive.
You can either put all your money in one pot to pay the bills, then take out equal money for yourselves. Or pay an amount into a joint account to pay bills that is relative to what you earn.
You should NOT be paying 50 % of the bills/food etc if he earns more than you.

anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled · 24/09/2022 07:13

Proportionate to salaries (but I earnt more and he didn't give up anything to have kids). If he wanted equal spending i my mind he was quite capable of going out and earning it he just didn't want to

billy1966 · 24/09/2022 07:18

BarbaraofSeville · 24/09/2022 07:05

Pay for groceries and all child related costs from the joint account for a start. Not sure why you'd not do this, as it's a joint cost.

Of course he should pay more in if he earns more.

Does his insistence of a 50/50 split extend to childcare, laundry, cooking, cleaning, sick days, medical appointments, hobbies and nights out etc?

This.

Don't have another child with this mean man.

Quincythequince · 24/09/2022 07:19

Why isn’t your baby’s costs coming out of joint account costs?

You say £10k more, which in absolute terms give us a difference, but are you on 10k a year and him 20k? Or are you on 100k and he on 110k?

Absolute amounts don’t tell anyone wry much.

But above all, you are married with a child, why isn’t it all going into one account and then you pay it all from there, each taking an agreed amount each month for personal spends.

Stag82 · 24/09/2022 07:26

We pay 50% of what we earn into a joint account. (DP pays 50% of what he earns minus child maintenance) That covers all costs associated with family life / house. Our situation is a little different as we have 2 kids each (mine are here more). We also have one on the way.

we pay for everything for the house / baby from the joint but buy my own kids things (weekly activities, school dinners, clothes etc) from my own account. I keep child maintenance in my own account too.

We are fortunate that we have a decent amount of disposable income. I could never hold onto lots of money whilst DP went without or watch him pay out for lots of family expenses!

Aubriella · 24/09/2022 07:26

Yes, he’s being financially abusive.

As a first step, STOP paying for baby stuff from your personal money, pay for it from joint account.

As a second step, work out how much extra he earns as a % and ask him to increase his contribution to the joint account by that percentage.

NerrSnerr · 24/09/2022 07:50

We pay everything into the joint account.

You need to ask him why he doesn't contribute to his child? Why does it all come down to you?

Do not have more children with this man.

GabriellaMontez · 24/09/2022 07:58

Why isn't the food bill shared?

Doingmybest12 · 24/09/2022 08:11

This is crazy. I am optimistically thinking he might be a bit dense and just needs it to be pointed out to him. But I suspect this is financial abuse and tells you everything you need to know about him. I would be making plans to go it alone if he won't make a change , I couldn't live my life arguing about who should pay what when you have a child and home together.

hoovermanouvre · 24/09/2022 08:24

OP. Why in god's name do you accept this? You need a joint account. You are a family with a child. You are a unit.

What kind of man even utters the words "my money , my savings" when he has a child? It's diabolical. He should want to provide for his family and everything should be shared. His mentality is truly appalling.

Why do you accept this?

scrufffy · 24/09/2022 08:30

Why are you paying from the baby stuff and the food? Those are joint expenses.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 24/09/2022 08:32

Charge him for 50 % of the childcare that he gets free from you.

properdoughnut · 24/09/2022 08:34

This is while I do the majority of food shopping and baby clothes/baby care shopping which is not included in the joint account

Is it his child? Does he eat the food? If yes then both these things should come out the joint account. Do you claim the child benefit and is he under the misguided delusion that this is sufficient to cover everything a baby needs?

Dotcheck · 24/09/2022 08:35

Are you on mat leave?

inheritanceshiteagain · 24/09/2022 08:38

Totally unfair on you. Your husband is a cunt for doing this

Parker231 · 24/09/2022 08:39

You’re not in a partnership. As a family everything is joint with an equal amount of personal money regardless of your salary.