Splitting living expenses

[Sarabbb]

Hello, I just wanted to gauge what do people think is reasonable in the circumstances.

My husband earns 10k more than me and insist on splitting all the costs/bills equally (the money we pay into a joint account for bills). We also have separate savings and current accounts. This is while I do the majority of food shopping and baby clothes/baby care shopping which is not included in the joint account. He also has over 10k savings more than me in his account. I feel that he should be contributing proportionately to his salary or alternatively we should add there money specifically for groceries, baby care stuff. Do you think I am unreasonable? How do you guys split your expenses when one party earns more?

DH earns 3x what I do, and I’ll soon be on second mat leave. All money goes in and out of one account, everything is shared because we’re a family and a partnership.

Until we got engaged we split everything proportionally to income, so 70/30 or 50/50 etc depending on what we earned at the time as it changed a fair bit over the years. Everything was included in that, including food and transport costs.

Your husband isn’t treating you very well here. At an absolute minimum all food and baby related costs should be joint, it’s his food and his baby! Expecting to split costs 50/50 when income isn’t 50/50 is bullshit and he’s getting to enjoy a better quality of life off your struggle, which isn’t any kind of marriage I’d want to be in. I think you need to lay this out to him in plain terms

I can never get over these threads. Splitting bills 50-50 is just about vaguely arguable (though we always were proportional), but why do women then pay food and child costs out of their own money? it comes up time and time again. It's really depressing.

Of course food and child stuff should come out of the joint pot

Before we had DC we split equally and it worked out ok as while he earned more he had higher outgoings. Now we have DC he pays more in the recognition that I work less hours but my career has been effected by maternity leaves

Work out how much he'd pay under CMS and consider if you'd be better off leaving him

Separate accounts always sounds so exhausting to me. You're married - "all my worldly goods I thee endow" and all that. Do you not trust each other?
If there are no real reasons for keeping things separate (and unfair to you) such as alimony, child maintenance, excessive debts or loans on one side) then why not have a joint account with individual "pocket money" accounts for personal choices that the other has no say over?

Husband and I earn different amounts of about the same difference of £10k (one 10k more than other). We have 2 kids together.

Each month we each have the same £x 'pocket money' to spend on whatever we like and everything else down to the last penny is in joint accounts shared with the both of us.

If you are secure and happy in a marriage it can be very simple.

If you add in step kids, unhappy marriage, abuse etc.. I understand that does make things more complicated

We also have this approach. You should be being left with equal amounts. As above, why do you pay for food and baby?

I feel your DH is being very unfair.

My partner earns around 3 x what I do, so we just share the bills and expenses out so we're both left with a decent amount. For example I get the weekly food shop and pay some of the lower bills like tv license, broadband, Netflix etc and he covers the bigger ones like the mortgage and gas and electricity. If I paid half the bills I'd be left with nothing spare each month and he would be left with loads!

Big fat red flag 🚩 (I speak from experience).

Why on earth are food and baby stuff all solely down to you?

Why are you paying for food and baby clothes yourself?

Sounds like a flat share.

You are a family. It should be our money not his and hers. You should pool your resources.

I’m glad that he’s a DH, as half of his 10k is yours.

OP everyone wants to know why food and baby supplies are not part of the shared expenses. The answer to this will tell us a lot about your dh

This is definitely financial abuse. I couldn't stay with someone who had that attitude, letting me cover the cost of food and child expenses out of my pocket, whilst they got to have savings.

When DH and I had separate accounts the first 6 years, we still treated it as "our money" and we didn't split child care costs, food rent etc - we were barely surviving and just had enough for essentials - and we had a good idea of our expenses. If someone had hardly any money in their bank account, the other person would cover expenses.

I then didn't work when I was SAHM - about 18 years in total, here and there. We only had joint bank accounts then, and I was free to spend the money DH earnt - we both would discuss larger/unusual purchases. Any bonus DH earnt, went straight to the mortgage - he never spent it on just himself.

Things have changed and we are in a better financial position and I work, but I only earn less than half of DH's salary, but we still pool our money into the joint accounts, and no separate accounts. We have more room to freely spend on bigger ticket items.

It's not 100% rosey though - DH's attitude did change a number of years ago just after my mum died and he became a bit obsessed at times of not having enough money - he knew I was going to get a decent inheritance, and I've pulled him up a number of times and told him he is being financially abusive - the inheritance mostly went into paying off the mortgage and purchasing 2nd property. I am seriously thinking about asking DH to go to couples counselling with me so we can talk through it. It only rears it's ugly head every now and then - but I've had enough. I would leave him if he was like that all the time.

Is the baby not his? Why does he not contribute to baby costs? It always amazes me how often I read women paying all of cost of children and men happily washing their hands of them.

This is no way fair and he knows this.

Our salaries go into the joint account with then an equal amount then split out for personal spends such as hobbies and clothes. All children’s stuff comes out of the joint account.

Incidentally I have always earned more than my husband but we both get the same ‘disposable’ income as we’re married and it’s a partnership

I mean if you're a real family then family expenses including rent bills utilities diapers etc would be shared expenses anyway
If he can't see that then you should reconsider your relationship