Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like a man who's perfect for me

38 replies

divhead · 23/09/2022 20:19

I met a guy in a bar. I was so astounded by how handsome he was that I actually went over and told him. I've never done that before!

It turns out we have so much in common. We both have twin boys, both massively into badminton, similar backgrounds, everything.

We have the exact same sense of humour and crack each other up via text each day.

Something is just not clicking for me though and I'm starting to wonder if I'm the issue!

I find myself avoiding sex with him, flirting with other guys and I don't look forward to our dates.

I can't work out what the bloody problem is: he's exactly what I've been looking for for years

Do I persevere here? He's exactly the sort of person is should be dating AND he's physically my exact type:

Or do I listen to my instinct and move on? I'm supposed to see him tonight and I'm not even excited!

OP posts:
Inca22 · 23/09/2022 20:23

It was too easy for you to snag him!

Feathersandothers · 23/09/2022 20:24

Is he your exact type or is he just a male version of you?

C1N1C · 23/09/2022 20:27

Yep... figures...

Nice guy, handsome, perfect for you... friend zoned

Jokes aside (apologies), yeah I think it was just too easy and the excitement phase was bypassed. Can't force it now!

VroomVrooom · 23/09/2022 20:29

‘Just too easy to get him’?

God, that sounds dysfunctional.

Dippydonky · 23/09/2022 20:40

No thrill of the chase!!

You’ve got what you want…. But I think most people want what they can’t have! A bit of mystery… or a ‘bad boy’ to keep us on our toes!

Sometimes we really are our own worst enemy!

theresnouseingrumpin · 23/09/2022 20:42

Give it time I say, enjoy the dates, jd he wants to have sex tell him u want to take it slow, maybe be friends first

Everylittlethingsgonnabealright · 23/09/2022 20:43

was talking about similar in therapy today - my therapist said something along the lines of the thrill of the chase is more attractive than knuckling down to the work a relationship needs.

Maybe the more pressing question is what are you attracted to, does it give you what you want, and why is it familiar?

Original poster
divhead · 24/09/2022 02:37

Well, I had my date with him and came away feeling really 'meh'. I found myself actually looking for problems with him.

Interestingly, despite things not totally clicking, I've really enjoyed every date I've had with him. This was the first one where I haven't come away feeling really positive.

(I realise saying I've been feeling positive about him is at odds with the topic of the post, but I have been enjoying his company while still realising something was 'off').

I still enjoyed it but by the end of the night, I really wanted to leave.

OP posts:
WagathaChristieMystery · 24/09/2022 02:43

What do you mean something was ‘off’? Do you mean something about him worried you, or that you just didn’t fancy him? Either way, you don’t owe him anything (I’m absolutely not intending to sound harsh here, but you don’t owe him any further dates - it goes without saying really). If you don’t want to see him again, you don’t have to - you can just ghost him or send him a polite message.

EmmaH2022 · 24/09/2022 02:45

Is it your spidey senses saying he's a wrong un?

no chase doesn't mean you can't have lots of fun. So my guess is your instinct is telling you something is wrong.

Original poster
divhead · 24/09/2022 02:51

Feathersandothers · 23/09/2022 20:24

Is he your exact type or is he just a male version of you?

This is so valid. My exact type is actually nothing like this guy. He's visually my exact type. Personality-wise he's way too emotionally available and open. I usually date men who (as everyone says....) give a bit more chase.

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 24/09/2022 02:55

divhead · 24/09/2022 02:51

This is so valid. My exact type is actually nothing like this guy. He's visually my exact type. Personality-wise he's way too emotionally available and open. I usually date men who (as everyone says....) give a bit more chase.

Show quote history

This kind of does my head in

so a) you don't mean it when you say he's exactly your type and b) you are criticising someone for being "emotionally available and upfront" aka honest and decent.

I admit, that gets me because I'm pretty sure I've been rejected for that reason. Is the whole world just wanting weird psychological games now? Or as I've said on threads I've started, is nobody normal anymore?!

sorry, that was a rant.

Original poster
divhead · 24/09/2022 03:13

@EmmaH2022. I didn't say he was exactly my type! I said he was exactly my type physically.

I am also definitely not criticising him. He's bloody fantastic. I'm criticising myself for being less attracted to him than the awful men I usually date.

OP posts:
lannistunut · 24/09/2022 14:44

divhead · 24/09/2022 02:51

This is so valid. My exact type is actually nothing like this guy. He's visually my exact type. Personality-wise he's way too emotionally available and open. I usually date men who (as everyone says....) give a bit more chase.

Show quote history

This sounds a bit unhealthy tbh, like the reason you don't like him is he isn't a game player.

Cyberworrier · 24/09/2022 15:55

OP, this makes me think of the bit in Women Who Love too Much about women who keep getting into relationships/falling for emotionally unavailable men. It's something to do with fear of the emotional intimacy that a relationship with a decent man would mean. And also that you are used to being treated badly and therefore uncomfortable with men who treat you better. Also that you don't think you're good enough for someone who will treat you well. Of course that may not describe you at all, but made me think of this stuff from the self help book!

Liz1tummypain · 24/09/2022 16:02

You already know the answer. You haven't got the chemistry. Time to face facts and accept you'll just be good friends

BatshitBanshee · 24/09/2022 16:13

Because he's not a game player and your nervous system doesn't know what to do with that so it goes looking for the problem. And if he's emotionally intelligent, he's probably picked up that you're not all in and therefore he's a bit restrained.

But from his POV - someone walks up to you in a bar, tells you how good looking you are, you've loads in common, and then they start to check out or they're not as interested. I'd probably be a bit WTF too.

Also: good on paper and ticking all your boxes does not a relationship make.

ditalini · 24/09/2022 16:18

You're allowed to just not fancy someone. Even if they're good looking and like badminton.

It's not working. No need to overanalyse it. Don't string him along though.

DancingInTheDressingRoom · 24/09/2022 16:23

divhead · 24/09/2022 03:13

@EmmaH2022. I didn't say he was exactly my type! I said he was exactly my type physically.

I am also definitely not criticising him. He's bloody fantastic. I'm criticising myself for being less attracted to him than the awful men I usually date.

I think he’s about to have a lucky escape.

HangOnToYourself · 24/09/2022 16:29

I think you should walk away otherwise you are just stringing him along if you feel this way.

Smellywellyhoo · 24/09/2022 16:39

You don't trust him and are suspicious he's too good to be true. You could be right or it could be insecurity.

Original poster
divhead · 26/09/2022 16:25

Well, unfortunately as the days have gone on, the feeling (or lack thereof) that I had for him isn't changing.

He was supposed to meet my friends at the weekend and I'm finding myself wishing he wasn't coming. Like, overwhelming, willing to fake my own death in lieu of uninviting him type of thing,

We're supposed to have dinner tomorrow night so now I'm hovering between waiting to see if I can summon up some feelings for him at the dinner, and cutting my losses before it even happens.

I'm really disappointed in myself. I loved my first few dates with him and was so optimistic. I definitely didn't foresee suddenly going off of him out of nowhere. I can't really even put my finger on why.

OP posts:
Stigsmother · 26/09/2022 16:39

Are you too similar perhaps? It sounds as if he would make a great friend, but you have got him in the "should fancy" zone and he obviously shouldn't be there 🤔
Now is probably the time to let him go, definitely before he meets your friends and they all tell you how fantastic he is, you will doubt yourself even more.
I get why you have been persevering, but if the spark isn't there.....

Sparkletastic · 26/09/2022 16:42

Do you have any history of self-sabotage or struggling to commit? If not then this guy just isn't for you.

girlmom21 · 26/09/2022 16:43

Stop wasting him time. You're not looking for a healthy relationship. You want a fuck boy who's going to hurt you.