new driver snub

[wheresmymillionaire]

My DD has just passed her driving test (yesterday) with only 3 minors. She has been learning and practising and did her test in her own car, so knows the car well.
On Saturdays she volunteers in the morning, then gets the bus to a drama group in the afternoons.

Now of course, she can drive herself there! She had planned to go to a friends house (2 miles away from the drama group) after volunteering, then give a lift to her friend to drama. But friends mum has said friend can't go in the car with DD as she is a new driver.

DD is a very sensible girl, and the girls have been friends for about 11 years, so the parents know my dd well.
I have realised they are protective over their DD in the past, but this has upset my DD as she thinks they don't trust her.

AIBU to think this is a bit too protective?

@Aconitum it is sod all to do with resilience and more the fact that as an older parent and teacher i have been to far more fucking funerals of young people who were driving a car load of their pals than any human should have to.

I do find it a bit ridiculous OP, but these children will be adults soon, and they’ll have to cut the apron strings then.

Just out of interest, what do people put as their timeline before they can go as a passenger in a friends car? Not a car full of people, just say going to school and back with a friend.

Sorry, i am a bit over invested in this, and i have had wine, but as a rock hard secondary teacher i have been crying over all the dead kids tonight, literally guys don’t let your kids go in a car with their mates when they passed their test yesterday, last month, a month ago. Six months/ year minimum.
rip a ridiculously long list of kids i used to teach, nice kids, funny kids, their whole life ahead of them. Double funerals are especially hard.

OP I think you're also being quiet naive to think that your daughter will drive exactly the same way now as she did with her driving instructor sat next to her.

For the first 6 weeks or so we were really cautious about ds picking up friends, driving for too long or in particularly risky situations just while he was building up some experience of driving on his own.

I think it was about 2 weeks before she took her friend out then Ds went out with her.

Dp went with her the day after she passed her test to show her how to fill up with fuel.

Nope. I remember being driven by my sensible and responsible friends shortly after they passed. I would never allow my kids in a car with a young new driver as a result! It's small mistakes and moments of recklessness that cost lives. There were a couple of major accidents amongst my younger sisters wider friendship group that led to 17-19yos dying.

I was a lot older than your DD when I started driving and I remember having a friend next to me in the passenger seat nattering away when I was driving home in the dark. It was really distracting and I remember being so anxious. Your DDs friends parents are being sensible and it’s also in the best interests of your DD.

We have staggered licences here (NSW) so it’s easier to give a time scale on when my kids could go out with newly qualified drivers (take friends out with them).

All your driving licence means is that you drove well enough during a specific period of
time, not that you’re a good driver.

I have a rule of no peer group passengers in your car unless you’re on your green P-plates (minimum of 12mths after passing your test).

Just out of interest, what do people put as their timeline before they can go as a passenger in a friends car?

If the friend has been driving independently after passing their test and feels 100% confident, then about 10/12 months.

YABU I took all my friends out newly passed, well three weeks after. I crashed. Luckily was only my car totally smashed up but could easily have hurt my friends. I'd never let my dc in a newly passed car if I had any choice over the matter.

Probably when she’s been driving for a few months they’ll review. But new teen drivers can be shocking.

My kids were not allowed to travel with others who had just got their licences, I would want them to be driving without incident for at least six months. You are the one being precious about your daughter thinking “they don’t trust her”. Her friend’s parents are making a sensible decision to try and keep theirs safe.

Why are they deciding for their ‘child’? Who is presumably an adult of 18?

YANBU imo, driving tests are extremely thorough and even the slightest slip up they will fail you for. Not surprised your DD is hurt.

The statistics are very much on their side, and the reasons are well understood as to why new drivers are higher risk and why having friends in the car increases the risk yet further.

YABU. I was doing lessons at 17, and, in quick succession, I had two friends aged 19 dead (drunk driver ploughed into the side of them at 10am on a Sunday), one aged 18 in ICU after her car skidded on ice and she was impaled on a fence post, another aged 19 was a passenger and killed on impact.

After the first two, I cancelled my lessons. After the second one, I stopped getting in the car with anyone other than my Dad.

A year later, my 16 year old sister and two of her friends were in ICU after a crash.

Don’t be so fucking naive.

And now, as an adult in my 30s finally taking lessons, I won’t be driving my children around until I’ve done further driving courses and hit the 6 month mark.

A car is a weapon, it’s basic Physics. You also cannot predict what the other drivers on the same road as you are going to behave like.

I was not happy about my 16 year old son getting into the car with mates who have recently passed their tests. Of course, he thought I was being totally ridiculous until one of his best mates and 2 other young lads he knew were killed in a terrible accident just a few short weeks ago. He understands now, sadly.

Anyone who thinks that it is being overprotective to restrict teens getting in cars with newly qualified young drivers, who have little experience of driving, is a fool.

I thought in some countries it’s not allowed to have young passengers in a car until a certain time has elapsed after passing your test

toomuchlaundry
Sounds like we need a rule like that to come in.
My condolences go out to all of you who have lost loved ones in traffic accidents.
Reading these posts, it's a wonder anyone lets their dc drive at all.

YABU

When I passed my test I was just a few months shy of being 18 and despite being the youngest of my friendship group I was the first one to pass my test and have a car. So many of my friends expected me to want to drive everyone around immediately and were surprised when I said I wouldn't be driving other people for at least a couple of months whilst I got used to driving solo.

I think it was a couple of weeks before I was even willing to drive my siblings/parents anywhere as I wanted to get to grips with driving alone first and build up my confidence before I added in passengers - things like navigating tricky areas (there's a few difficult spots for driving in my town) a few times without the pressure of passengers; getting used to just driving with the radio on and having to plot the route in my head rather than the car being quiet apart from my instructor directing me on the route he had planned out for our lesson; and even just making silly mistakes like stalling a few times because the clutch/accelerator had a different weight to my instructors car - it took me a few days of driving to just get used to the feel of the car and it's responsiveness - or having to fiddle with the various knobs/buttons on the dashboard to figure out how to demist the windscreen etc.

Nobody is unreasonable to want their child to he safe, and no matter how confident your DD is, if it was my DD being offered a lift, I would be wanting her to have a bit more solo driving experience before letting my DD be a passenger in her car.

It’s not infantilising to account for a known risk. As pp have said a risk so real that many states and countries forbid new drivers from having other people in the car with them.
Unless you mean infantilising in the same way as laws prohibiting drink drinking, driving without a seat belt and driving a roadworthy car are infantilising.

DS1 has been driving 18mths now. I did let him drive his younger brother after about 8 weeks but more out of necessity as I'd had an op and couldn't drive. I knew he'd be even more sensible with him in the car though, 3 yrs between them but DS1 has grown up as a young carer to me and his brother. DS1 has also been driving since he was 13 on the farm opposite us where he helps with hay harvest and on the road on a tractor for short distances since 14 so he is possibly more experienced than many new drivers. He'd also been driving with me next to him for 6 months alongside his professional lessons as covid meant his driving test was postponed for months. When he was driving to new places for the first 6 months he'd ask if I would go with him, which I did.
Any time he was taking someone else in his car I always asked their parents if they were okay with that.
We're in Suffolk and within 2 miles of our house, on the two routes home from nearest town, I know of 4 teenage road deaths. One was passenger in a full car driven by an extremely new driver. They came round a corner into thick fog, lost road position and hit a van coming the other way then span off into a tree. One was driving his gf to college on the dual carriageway, incorrectly inflated tyre burst, he lost control left road and hit a fence. Gf had serious injuries and he died. Two were being driven on dual carriageway by their friend who had passed 4 mths previously. Going too fast, aquaplaned and left road hitting a tree. The driver was given 4 years in prison for that.
We drive past those spots almost daily, my son is very aware of them and of just how much greater the risks are as a new driver which has definitely impacted (for the better) on his driving.
I don't blame that mother at all for saying no.

In a lot of Australian States first year P platers (you move to different p plates after a year or so) can't have passengers under 21 or non- related etc outside of certain times. This is due to friends being a massive distraction and often inciting poor behaviour. Statistically far more accidents happen to newly licenced drivers with friends in the car.

In my state new drivers cannot have passengers who are not adult licensed drivers for the first year. After the first year they may have related underage passengers (drive siblings to school, etc.).