How to get over this feeling of failure

[procrastinatingfool]

I have a nice life, lovely DH and two great teenagers who are doing really well. My job is something that is worthwhile, but the pay is not great.
I was a bright child but I mucked about, got all my GCSEs but spent A levels getting stoned then went travelling for a few years. I didn't go to university.
I constantly feel like I'm a bit of a failure. My brothers and sisters earn lots of money.
I can't afford to go to uni now and so I don't know how to help myself to get over this feeling of under achieving.

Anyone else feel like this? I'm stuck because I don't have a degree, everything I look into training as is for at least four years, there is no way I can not work for four years. I'm 47

Can you get or do you have a job where they will pay for you to train? I did a Masters for free, and don't have a foundation degree.

It was funded through the apprenticeship levy.

No, I can't see this being a possibility

Also, obviously you're not a "failure" without a degree!!!

Thanks but I can't see a way of earning more money without one and feel foolish for not doing one now when I could

You have to let it go for one. Stop feeling mad at yourself. It's done!

You can try and do a part time degree around work or you can try a degree apprenticeship or the Open University. But stop feeling bad that you didn't go. I got a degree and am sad I've never had the chance to go travelling. The grass is always greener

I definitely feel this way. I'm 51 and haven't had a LTR that has lasted more than 4 years, I went to college but I've lost about 5 jobs due to downsizing, I have never made enough money to justify the cost of my degree (which I'm still paying for!) So I've struggled financially most of my adult life.

On the other hand my Dsis was very selfish, didn't finish college, dated around and treated her BFs badly. yet she's got a good job in IT, got married and is raising a DC with her husband (I was a single mother and raised my DC alone). And although I'm happy her for her I just feel like a huge failure when I compare myself to her (and others!)

You have to let it go for one. Stop feeling mad at yourself. It's done!

How? It's easier said than done, I think about it every day

Start by writing down all the places you saw on your travels, all the experiences you had, the people you met.

follow up with all the thing you like about your life

and the reasons why your job is worthwhile.

If you were trying to learn a poem off by heart, you would repeat it to yourself whenever you could until it was firmly embedded in your brain. That’s what you’re doing with your feelings of failure. So do the opposite, every time they surface, push them away, force yourself to think of something else, look at the list of all the great things you did on your travels, and all the good things in your life

You'll never fail as much as I have in my life!
Don't compare , look at your strengths and enjoy your life. It's too short to be this upset !

What kind of course would you be looking at doing in money was no object? As others have said, there may be some roles where you can train on the job and still come out with a degree.
My Mum went to secretarial college - but trained on the job in later life as an accountant, and graduated at 52! She'd stayed working throughout.

I’m sort of the opposite to you, I also have a DH and two lovely kids but my job is (relatively) well paid but totally pointless.

I regularly feel like a failure for spending so much of my precious life doing something I really do not think is worthwhile at all. In fact I felt it earlier sat at my desk as I miserably drank my coffee and stared out of the window.

Maybe we both have a case of grass is always greener syndrome? Most people don’t get every single thing they want in life and it could be worse - your job could be pointless, and mine could be poorly paid 🤷‍♀️

You're not a failure, that's a story you're telling yourself. And you can't feel a failure, it's not an emotion.

So what are the actual feelings? Disappointment? Envy?

And why not change the story you tell yourself? I can't see what good it does to beat yourself up about decisions you made 30 years ago if it stops you enjoying your family and the life you actually have right now.

Acknowledge your feelings about it - core feelings. Look up a feelings wheels. I think you’re up in your head about it (guilt, regret, inner critic - they’re thought processes, not feelings) rather than acknowledging how you feel in your body.

do you feel sad, angry, frustrated? Take time to sit with the feelings, notice where you feel them in your body and give them time to feel the physical energy - maybe you want to punch a pillow, run it out, etc. Sounds like you feel angry with yourself for the choices you made. Try saying things out loud: “I feel angry”. Acknowledge that you feel sad and have a cry about it if you want to.

You might be stuck by avoiding feeling your grief, not knowing how to express it. When you acknowledge the feelings they will pass, and you might find your mind is freed up to think of creative options.

Thank you. I can do this and I had some great adventures but it doesn't change the fact that I never managed to do the career thing

Acknowledge your feelings about it - core feelings. Look up a feelings wheels. I think you’re up in your head about it (guilt, regret, inner critic - they’re thought processes, not feelings) rather than acknowledging how you feel in your body.

do you feel sad, angry, frustrated? Take time to sit with the feelings, notice where you feel them in your body and give them time to feel the physical energy - maybe you want to punch a pillow, run it out, etc. Sounds like you feel angry with yourself for the choices you made. Try saying things out loud: “I feel angry”. Acknowledge that you feel sad and have a cry about it if you want to.

You might be stuck by avoiding feeling your grief, not knowing how to express it. When you acknowledge the feelings they will pass, and you might find your mind is freed up to think of creative options.

Wow thank you for taking the time to reply. I will give this a go

I know I've done things other people would envy. I spent 6 years travelling but now I'm back in this place where money and career is so valued and I don't fit in

That’s okay. Beware this isn’t a one and done process - if you’re used to staying up in your head (so many of us are) it might take you time to learn to feel your feelings, but stick at it.

Comparison
is
the
thief
of
joy

Trust me, I know.
Somewhere in the world, somebody would think they had died and gone to heaven if they had your life.

I feel the same, like a total failure.

I attended a top university but dropped out for a mixture of reasons. Have no job and no career prospects. Friends all doing well.

It makes me feel even worse as I'm from a fairly 'deprived' background so sort of defied the odds to be there in the first place, then messed it all up!

Sorry, no answers but solidarity

I have a degree - I even have a masters degree - did some professional training so technically I guess I am a professional. But now I kind of just want 'a job' so I can enjoy the rest of my life, as the profession I trained in is the kind that takes over your whole life and I'm not sure I love it that much. I'd rather enjoy my kids, family and have some hobbies. I know it sounds cheesy but maybe look at the positive aspects of your lifestyle and current job - are you able to switch off when you finish work so you can spend free time with family, do you have time to do your own hobbies/sport etc. A degree is not some magic wand to your feelings of dissatisfaction with your life - its not a proof of intelligence either.

Yeah, I was going to say comparison is the thief of joy. I have a degree, it was a lot of fun but the sense of achievement isn't that much. A successful working life of paying the bills having a stable family is actually pretty incredible if you think about it. Very few people manage both. So many relationships are miserable or people struggle to work, you should be proud of yourself. Get some counseling perhaps? A brilliant sense of achievement can be in helping others, that's when my career has reaped most personal rewards, not as a day job but I support charities with peer supporting/mentoring women and it's really fun. You could get a degree if you wanted one but unless you do something practical they're pretty boring!

Yes, I actually have a good life really. Apart from the money. I have hobbies, play a sport, lots of good friends, nice kids. Work four days so I have a good life balance.

But I hate it when I think about work and how I've failed to achieve

Yes my job is in helping. I work with vulnerable people who are homeless or facing homelessness.

I wish it was valued financially. I see my family's faces, they think I'm a failure or some kind of weirdo for wanting to do this job