How to get over this feeling of failure

[procrastinatingfool]

I have a nice life, lovely DH and two great teenagers who are doing really well. My job is something that is worthwhile, but the pay is not great.
I was a bright child but I mucked about, got all my GCSEs but spent A levels getting stoned then went travelling for a few years. I didn't go to university.
I constantly feel like I'm a bit of a failure. My brothers and sisters earn lots of money.
I can't afford to go to uni now and so I don't know how to help myself to get over this feeling of under achieving.

Anyone else feel like this? I'm stuck because I don't have a degree, everything I look into training as is for at least four years, there is no way I can not work for four years. I'm 47

I feel the same about my job and lack of achievements OP, you're not alone. I'm always comparing myself to others (we live in quite a naice area where everyone has or seems to have amazing careers/incomes/cars/houses etc) and feeling rubbish about my own modest job and salary and lack of a 'proper' career.

I don't know if you can relate, but I was always the bright kid at school too, so I think there was an expectation on me to succeed when I was younger. On top of that, I think my own lack of confidence has stopped me from doing some of the things I really would have liked to have achieved. So it's a bit of a vicious cycle.

There's some really good advice from some really kind posters on this thread that could be helpful for you in overcoming this. I'll be trying to take some of it on board myself.

Sounds like a valuable role OP - yes it is a shame these type of jobs are not better paid. Like lots of helping jobs really - but jobs that society couldn't do without.

Maybe it's more to do with the circles you mix with - like I guess if your family are all high flyers, financially speaking, then you're the outlier - but if you mixed with a wider, more varied circle of people then I'm sure you might feel differently about yourself. Probably lots of us would feel inadequate if we only were to mingle with high fliers or people that are very money/material orientated.

Hi, I understand

It is easy for other people to say it doesn't matter, but to you it does matter.

You have two options - find a way to fix this practically i.e. get a degree or change career or find a way to fix this emotionally i.e. get some counselling and make peace with where/who you are.

On the practical side, I don't see why you can't afford to do Open University given you get a loan for tuition fees, can do it part-time at home and would probably pay very little back?

On the emotional side, by the time you reach mid-40s so many people are 'failures' in some ways. I know I am!

I think this is what (the much hated) Jordan Peterson is trying to get at when he says career isn't everything for all or most women.

It is ultimately another way to make most women feel bad because most women will never have the high flying career, designer wardrobe, cleaners, gardener, fancy food delivery service etc.

You might be wrong in thinking that a career and financial success is where true value comes from. You might already have something more valuable than many rich and outwardly successful women.

I also understand that saying this isn't necessary very helpful when you feel that bitter resentment and feeling of failure in the pit of your stomach. The what could have beens...

I feel like we put a lot of pressure on ourselves, as women, and as a society. It sound like you have a pretty awesome life in so many ways. And lots of things that money can't buy.

Is this really just financial envy? You see your siblings being successful and having a standard of living you can’t afford, you’re a bit skint and you’re jealous?

My DP wanted to do a degree in his fifties so he did Open University alongside his full time job. It's not easy and hard work but your children are older and you could do it. It took DP 5 years but he now has a degree and still had income from his job. He didn't pay for the OU course either as he wasn't on a high income. If you want a degree it's there for the taking.

What a fantastic statement. Thanks for posting

I have a degree and a decent salary and am as miserable as *uck. I'd give my right arm to work 4 days a week in a job like yours. In fact I spend most of my time wishing I'd not gone to uni as I hated it and have gone onto hate the qualification and career it gave me.

I'm 46, left school at 16, but did okay for myself early on, now feel the same as you.
I'm a SAHM though and feel like my working life is over already.
I see lots of my friends from school in high up positions now and feel like they must pity me.
Some of the responses on here are good though and I'm making mental notes.

Do an open uni degree.

Hmm yes but you probably could do my job. I can't do yours

Thank you

How do you feel you are a failure if you don't mind me asking. It's good to get some perspective

I feel like we put a lot of pressure on ourselves, as women, and as a society. It sound like you have a pretty awesome life in so many ways. And lots of things that money can't buy.

This is very true. Thank you, it's hard to see it sometimes

Thanks for the thoughtful replies. It's got me thinking. I visited my family last weekend and all week I've been feeling like a failure.
Another thing is that their children will be able to get on the housing ladder and will never worry about money. I can't say the same for mine. My own fault

I think what you do is amazing.

There doesn’t have to be any blame in that though - it’s not your fault, it just is a fact of the world that certain jobs are valued more than others, and you happen to be in a profession that isn’t valued.

tosay’s kids are a bit more clued up and will probably factor long term prospects and pay ranges into their career choices more than other generations would have, but even then, you might feel worse if you were in a job that paid well but which you didn’t love??

Do you know what you’d rather do for work?

I think folks are missing the point the op is making, she’s not doing her job as she thinks it’s a vocation and she is able to do roles much higher paid, but she chooses this due to altruism. That’s not what she’s saying. She’s saying if she could do something higher paid she would.

you might feel worse if you were in a job that paid well but which you didn’t love??

she doesn’t say she loves it she says she’s stuck, why do folks see someone working for a charity and think OOh they must love it. Even when they’ve never said such a thing.

@procrastinatingfool Despite my username I'm not actually an architect. I'm an architectural technician but couldn't fit that in the username box.

Anyhow, I work with architects, structural engineers, technologists, landscape architects and town planners. Each job I listed requires a degree and several require a Masters degree.

Believe me when I tell you that they're under SO much pressure at work that they don't have much of a life between them. 90 clients each, constant aggressive clients, red tape stopping creativity and planning and now a recession looming.

I trained on the job doing an architectural degree apprenticeship (career change in my 30s from sales and marketing!) And I'm literally in 5 minds and it drives me mad every working day

1. I'm happy I didn't spend 6 years at university for this job
2. I'm happy that I don't feel the pressure
3. I regret not being able to cope with pressure and earn more.
4. I need to get back into marketing ASAP and relax
5. I just want to do a low level admin role. This is too much.

My last job had 16 employees. 4 had mental breakdowns and 2 attempted suicide.

My job before that - the Architectural Director took his own life from work stress.

I dont really know what I'm trying to say but you have freedom. And many many professionals would be so envy of you too.

You've travelled and that's AMAZING! Am very jealous.

There's a book out there called 99 Things That Bring Me Joy. You basically write a list each week. I highly recommend it as its an easy way to learn about yourself.

But if you want more from life, go for it! Just remember grass isn't always greener and some people want what you have right now xx

Sorry for the garbled message!

I am really bewildered by your feelings. You have a really really valuable job, that many people wouldn’t have the emotional intelligence to be good at. You work four days a week and have time for hobbies and a full social life with good friends. Your life sounds really rich and fulfilling. Nothing sounds remotely like you have failed. You also must have so many transferable skills that you could use to apply for higher paid jobs in the charity or social care sector. I really think your mindset is the issue here as opposed to the reality of your situation

99 Things That Bring Me Joy

99 Things I Want To Do

Here we go. These books are really good at finding out about ourselves and our strengths. Xx

I’m not bewildered at all. She’s not doing the job because she loves it and could do so many more highly paid jobs. She wants the money the lifestyle to su[port her kids..she doesn’t want to be earning peanuts in comparison.

I don’t comprehend how some folks we should all be in there choosing valuable jobs and being a bit skint.

I work in a similar field to yourself and you can progress as far as you like with it, into third sector management etc. I did a health and social care OU degree and got a 1st. I had to do it as I knew I was capable. That’s despite having all the other lovely things in my life.

Oh and I used to be in surveying/accounts jobs before I went into valuable work. I would never ever go back into soulless work it’s depressing as hell to me but each to their own.

It is certainly possibly to help people and to earn good money. I did need my degree though.