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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to support my child at uni

41 replies

yesmaybenotsure · 23/09/2022 14:28

Slightly hypothetical as things might change in the next year or so but …

I have more than one DS, first is very studious, knows what they want to study at uni and worked hard to get decent grades and a place at a good uni. We will be helping out financially. Next DS not so. They do the bare minimum, spend more time going out and their grades if they pass might get them into uni. They have no idea what to study but like the idea of being a student.

I am torn between treating them equally/recognising hard work but also don’t want to finance 3 years of student parties. In reality if you don’t like studying that’s totally fine but then you should look at other options.

Would you finance DCs equally if you knew one was just in it for the student lifestyle?

OP posts:
theremustonlybeone · 23/09/2022 14:32

Thats shocking...if both your DC go to uni , you support them equally. Its not performance related. Dc all grow and mature at different rates and your current non studious DC could surprise you.

I have 2 older DC and my eldest was lazy, we supported him through uni and now doing the same for his sister. Whatever either of them choose to do is up to them but i wouldn't have penalised one of them for not being a stellar student.

Rutland2022 · 23/09/2022 14:32

I can’t believe you have posted this, staggering. The Golden Child doesn’t mean anything to you clearly.

Of course you treat them the same. University is not all about the academic side and I say that as someone who works in HE!!

I was the academic one in our family, my brother less so but decided to go last minute. We had the same financial and emotional support.

Testina · 23/09/2022 14:33

And if older studious child ends up in a low paid job that doesn’t use his degree (happens a lot) but younger child ends up well paid based on who he is, part of which came from his uni experience, are you going to ask oldest to refund you some “wasted” money?

I think it’s perfectly valid to sit down with younger son and explain just how much it’s going to cost you, and that’s why you need him to really think about his choice. Also valid to say he can have no more than older child - so keep that in mind when choosing location.

But your contribution to each should be equal.

SidSparrow · 23/09/2022 14:33

I went to uni with my head up my backside. Graduated. But can't say it was totally worthwhile.

You might be doing your son a favour by either making your support conditional, or delaying support until he fully knows what it is he wants to do.

If he doesn't know what he wants to do. Help fund a gap year, or encourage one.

RewildingAmbridge · 23/09/2022 14:33

Their loan or lack thereof will be based on your income. Yabu

theremustonlybeone · 23/09/2022 14:34

oh and to add if your youngest isn't too fussed about study and unclear about next steps he may be better directed to an apprenticeship instead. So may want to start that dialogue with them now. Info is on UCAS

Derbee · 23/09/2022 14:35

Could you also financially support them more or less depending on how you feel they look/dress?

or how sporty they are?

Just trying to think of as many divisive and hurtful ways you could pit your children against each other.

Suzi888 · 23/09/2022 14:39

theremustonlybeone · 23/09/2022 14:34

oh and to add if your youngest isn't too fussed about study and unclear about next steps he may be better directed to an apprenticeship instead. So may want to start that dialogue with them now. Info is on UCAS

^ This

But

YANBU in one way, I understand where you are coming from.

Ask you DC about it? Do they expect you to fund them?

If they aren’t bothered about studying, do they plan on working to support themselves and just be there for the ride? If they want to knuckle down, quit the job then you help them financially at that point- possibly year 2….

Do a degree with a gap year but make your financial contribution conditional. You won’t fund party time…. it does seem ridiculous if they are already set on basically not studying. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Midnights · 23/09/2022 14:40

Can't wait to see your posts in a few years - "my DC has distanced themselves from us, I can't understand why" 😂

YABU - the loan is based on your household income, if you have decided you think they'll be partying and you don't want to fund that for a few years, here's a heads up, most students who go to uni party. You'll ruin your relationship with your DS for absolutely nothing.

Afterfire · 23/09/2022 14:41

You treat them exactly the same. If you support one then you support the other. Otherwise you’ll find yourself in the middle of a load of bitterness and resentment as they get older.

157y · 23/09/2022 14:47

Seems like you might be punishing the younger child… for not working so hard?

TeenDivided · 23/09/2022 14:53

Fund them both the same, but point out you won't fund resit years?

senua · 23/09/2022 14:57

Chillax. Some DC take longer to mature than others.

caringcarer · 23/09/2022 14:59

How can you even ask if you should treat your 2 sons equally? Do you love them both equally or the studious one more? If you don't treat them equally, the son left out will never feel the same about you ever again. How would you feel if he cut you off? What if he has children and won't let you meet them for fear you would favour his brothers children? The decision you make will likely affect your future relationship with your son. Don't throw him away.

Yeahrepublic · 23/09/2022 15:01

You support them both, especially if they will get a reduced loan based on parental income.

You will be sending entirely the wrong messages to your children and likely fundamentally damaging your relationships with them.

I wonder if your younger son is already aware that you've written them off as a lazy party boy.

JazbayGrapes · 23/09/2022 15:10

Maybe the uni isn't the best choice for him? at least not now.

DoYouRememberDiedreBarlow · 23/09/2022 15:26

Good luck when the less studious one can't be arsed with you in a few years. How about encouraging them on a different path rather than deciding which one to 'support the most.'

Prescottdanni123 · 23/09/2022 15:27

I can't tell if this is real. I hope not but if it is I feel really sorry for your younger son.

If my parents did what you are suggesting, I think my relationship with them would be permanently damaged.

Owlsinmybedroom · 23/09/2022 15:30

Their loan is dependent on your income, to not support one would be unethical on that basis

I don't understand how you can possibly be expecting a younger DC to have the same level of maturity in attitude to this as their older sibling?

StJeanDeVence · 23/09/2022 15:32

Go for it, if you relish the idea of destroying your relationship with your younger child, and probably their relationships with each other.

DreamingofItaly2023 · 23/09/2022 15:35

I was studious at school and university but could not cope with work at all due to mental health issues, am now a SAHM earning zilch. DH enjoyed the party lifestyle, getting Ds and Es at school and a third at university. He has skills which work incredibly well in a certain sector of the job market however and now earns a very good salary at just 31 and is extremely ambitious. How someone is at school will not define them for life so support both children equally, you have no idea what the future holds. What you definitely don’t want it to hold is a damaged relationship with your younger DS.

saleorbouy · 23/09/2022 15:55

Give them the chance to be financially in control. Set an appropriate allowance that covers accommodation and essential expenses.
Offer this for the first year and on the proviso that it will continue in the 2nd and 3rd if there are no repeat years due to poor academic performance.
Additional money can be earned for beer money by getting a job.
Time for DC 2 to understand nothing in life is free and opportunities should be grasped not frittered away.

Original poster
yesmaybenotsure · 23/09/2022 16:01

Honestly didn't think it was that shocking. I'd be more than happy to support both I just think the younger needs to make a choice based on his ability and the fact he doesn't seem to like studying. I'd rather support him through an apprenticeship or a year out tbh but any choices will be his own. Uni is just so expensive these days the thought of getting into debt (student loans etc) for something you're not sure you want to study and expecting your parents to fund seems odd. But I am grateful for the responses.

OP posts:
Owlsinmybedroom · 23/09/2022 16:12

yesmaybenotsure · 23/09/2022 16:01

Honestly didn't think it was that shocking. I'd be more than happy to support both I just think the younger needs to make a choice based on his ability and the fact he doesn't seem to like studying. I'd rather support him through an apprenticeship or a year out tbh but any choices will be his own. Uni is just so expensive these days the thought of getting into debt (student loans etc) for something you're not sure you want to study and expecting your parents to fund seems odd. But I am grateful for the responses.

My mum 'refused' to let my sister go to uni (she was abusive, so my sister didn't realise she had a choice to that extent). My sister wasn't academic enough apparently and it would be a waste as she would never get a good enough job to justify it.

My sister has just completed her open uni degree, earns 6x what my mother has ever earnt, and barely speaks to my mother anymore. She can't forgive her for talking her out/forcing her out of a life choice that should have been hers.

A uni education is delivered in a different way to a school education. It turns out it suits my sister much better.

Its awesome if you make sure your son is aware of all his choices and that you support all of them and that he doesn't need to go to uni. Its shit if he wants to go to uni but you wont support him like you will his brother.

JazbayGrapes · 23/09/2022 16:16

Uni is just so expensive these days the thought of getting into debt (student loans etc) for something you're not sure you want to study and expecting your parents to fund seems odd.

I do agree with you. Uni will still be there when people fully grow up and make up their minds what they want. Going to uni just for the sake of it is no longer worth it. We have enough degree inflation as it is already.

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