Not to support my child at uni

[yesmaybenotsure]

Slightly hypothetical as things might change in the next year or so but …

I have more than one DS, first is very studious, knows what they want to study at uni and worked hard to get decent grades and a place at a good uni. We will be helping out financially. Next DS not so. They do the bare minimum, spend more time going out and their grades if they pass might get them into uni. They have no idea what to study but like the idea of being a student.

I am torn between treating them equally/recognising hard work but also don’t want to finance 3 years of student parties. In reality if you don’t like studying that’s totally fine but then you should look at other options.

Would you finance DCs equally if you knew one was just in it for the student lifestyle?

Don't judge a book by it's cover please support your DC equally.
DC will charge, mature and grow up once they have to fend for themselves.

My nephew, studious, top grades and always knew what he wanted to do just dropped out of uni... beginning of y3 - 2 weeks into a work placement I may add). I think he's a bit lost as reality is different from his dreams and ambitions.

Don't judge a book by it's cover please support your DC equally.
DC will charge, mature and grow up once they have to fend for themselves.

But uni isn't end all. If this kid doesn't know what he wants, uni surely can wait?

Maybe have a frank discussion with your dc about their options and see what they think. Ultimately though if they choose university yes you should support them equally. As someone else mentioned everyone matures at a different rate. My brother did a year at college first which there was zero need for as he is super intelligent. My parents found that once he moved to studying something of his choosing unlike curricular subjects at school he did work harder, not at the same level as me but everyone is different. I have a friend who did uni at 30 she wasn’t ready after school and had no interest in having to study more than she needed. She now has an amazing job and I am so proud of her for having the guts to go later. There are options and would be good for your dc to have a think about what would be best for them.

This. Also. You just can't predict how things are going to pan out. Or how quickly young people change and develop at this age.

One of my DC was less hardworking but they really grew up at uni and got a first.. and also has a good career now. Another appeared towards GCSE's to not be at all interested, but then turned it around and is very happy at uni - doing all sorts of things we never thought they were capable of due to shyness. Its been the making of them in that way.

Its up to them if they want to go to uni or not, why would you discourage them by saying you won't support them (not just financially but emotionally and with encouragement too)
There's more to uni than just the work, it helps them become more independent as they are living away from home, they are with people their own age from all walks of life and yes going to parties - who doesn't want their kids to be able to socialise?

I'm not saying they can't get these things elsewhere or that everyone should go. Only that those who want to should have the opportunity.

I feel sorry for your son, he's probably picked up already how you feel about his future.

I'm not saying they can't get these things elsewhere or that everyone should go. Only that those who want to should have the opportunity.

Uni is a massive financial commitment. And the OPs child doesn't know what he wants. If the parents have that kind of money in disposition, maybe there's a better investment? Like small business? Or deposit on a house when the time comes?

yes i would
to do so otherwise would completely unfair and destructive to your relationship

You treat them both the same. End of. Anything else is a recipe for disaster for your future relationship with them.

Wow yes yabu. Either you support both same or not all.

And people change. I work hard for gcse. Partied my A levels away and messed up scraped into uni, did a year then changed degrees. Finished degree and got 2:1. Not all paths are smooth and straight forward.

@yesmaybenotsure i think you’re getting a hard time, and posters here are being missing the point.

I’m in a similar position. DS1 wants to go to uni and has decided to study engineering. He’s going to love it apparently. Except in the real world he hates design and build projects, which, having been to the uni open days, seems to be the main content of the first two uni years. He also dislikes his science a levels. He doesn’t want to consider apprenticeships, his reasoning being “I don’t want to”. He says this is his only option as we won’t rustle up 130 grand for him to train to be a pilot. Can you blame me for being a bit reluctant to stump up the parental contribution of 5 grand plus a year??

How old are your DC now OP?

In my experience kids change within weeks/months.

treating them equally doesn’t men treating them the same.

I would make the same support available but not tie it to Uni. If he decides to take another path he might need it for a car or equipment. I would encourage a year out to consider whether it’s the right path for him. A lot of people seem to just drift into uni for want of something better to do.

But honestly I think they need to review how Uni is funded. 18 year olds are adults. Loans shouldn’t be tied to parental income but should be repayable in all cases. Degrees in skill shortage or socially critical roles should be free ( gov funded) if the person does that job for a set period of time.

Arrrrghh difficult. I thought you were going to say that finances were really difficult at home or something.

I do understand why you might resent supporting somebody to have 2 1/2 years of laziness and worse when working extremely hard, dealing with mortgage and fuel bills escalating, and living off beans on toast yourself, so that they can have a party lifestyle.

Maybe have an open, kind talk to find out what he thinks life might be like at 21, 25 and 30. Also remember they'll grow up and change a lot. And a lot of university is about the networks they make and learning to be independent.

If he does go - nudge him towards worthwhile programs with pathways to good graduate careers (e.g. go to open days at places that look promising, to plant the seed).

And think about what your lines are. If they aren't prepared to look into what they would be a good fit for, and identify reasonable places to study - well-located with good housing availability - then they aren't signalling that they are being serious about it. Then, you're not being as unfair as you would appear to be if you said 'you're lazy so I'm not paying' without saying explicitly what it is you need to see as commitment.

If going to university is going to be a non-starter, there are other ways to have a student-type lifestyle - e.g. gap year and travel before a degree apprenticeship (though those are often really competitive). Life doesn't suddenly become party-less and friendless at graduation or on taking up a proper job.

But - even if not going to university, it would need to be a developable job unless he wants to end up being paid the same as a 21-year-old at 30, and resenting being paid half as much as a 25-year-old graduate at 40.

Really tough for young men and their parents at the moment - many are just not ready at 16-17 to think seriously about their futures - I feel for you.

Treat all children equally for goodness sake

You are setting your kids up for a lifetime of hating each other. This is the kind of thing that ruins family relations forever. Don’t do it.

Of course you support them equally !