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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty about this?

33 replies

Spicycurry · 23/09/2022 14:17

We moved recently and live very remotely.

I don’t regret this as such but it feels like in order to do anything we have to drive so far. Today, toddler group and a supermarket trip and ds has been in the car seat for going on two hours Sad

Is it just me? I really feel like it must be rubbish for him. But if we are going to do anything we have to drive!

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 23/09/2022 14:19

It's not ideal, but presumably you've made the move because it offered other benefits? Concentrate on those instead of feeling guilty about this.

Hotandbothereds · 23/09/2022 14:21

Didn’t you consider this before you moved? What are the benefits of where you’ve moved to?

ChimChimeny · 23/09/2022 14:24

If I ever drive through/visit villages etc I always say to myself what do you do if you need to buy milk/bread etc. hence why I live within walking distance of Lidl & co op plus three convenience shops.

Surely you knew you'd be driving s lot?!

Hearthnhome · 23/09/2022 14:27

2 hours spread across the day?

Many kids spend that amount of time in a car seat. 2 hours in one go may be boring, but even then you shouldn’t feel guilty.

the only concern for me would be if there’s school local and if you plan on staying a long time, local secondary. But it’s not about guiltZ about logistics.

I can’t see anything to feel guilty for.

J0y · 23/09/2022 14:29

I'd hate that, don't blame you for feeling eugh

AriettyHomily · 23/09/2022 14:31

What prompted the move? You must have known that would happen.

piegone · 23/09/2022 14:32

It probably is rubbish for him tbh, but it's part and parcel of remote life. It's not for me, I like civilisation.

I have a friend who lives in the arse end of nowhere and last time I visited it struck me how isolated her pre teen/teens are. At an age where they should be developing independent skills they cannot even leave the house to buy a sweet. The teens just come home from school and are stuck in the house, which is a bit crap, particularly over weekends when they could be meeting up with mates. I guess if it bothers you now when your child is small you really need to consider how an isolated life will be for them growing up.

Original poster
Spicycurry · 23/09/2022 14:33

Yes, spread across the day.

We aren’t that far from civilisation Smile but I’ve gone from living somewhere with a park and cafe in walking distance to somewhere where even to go to a little playground you need to drive, really. Just feeling a bit guilty that ds has had a rubbish day when I wanted it to be nice for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spicycurry · 23/09/2022 14:35

I have probably been a bit misleading without meaning to, we are not in some crazily remote place where it takes two hours to get to a Tesco. However, to get to the local toddler classes, it’s a good thirty minutes.

Then if you want to do anything else like visit a park or feed ducks it requires another car journey.

There is a village within walking distance if needs require it.

OP posts:
lannistunut · 23/09/2022 14:35

No need to feel guilty, your child is not being damaged.

The reality is if you live remotely you live in the car. Do you like being remote yourself?

Original poster
Spicycurry · 23/09/2022 14:40

For me it is neither here nor there. I just feel bad for DS.

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 23/09/2022 14:40

I'd have loved that when I was a child. I loved car journeys and my absolute dream was to live in the middle of nowhere.

Testina · 23/09/2022 14:44

Save your guilt for when he’s got a really long commute to secondary school, and his social life is a pain in the backside, and he can’t get a part time job. I went to a secondary that was catchment for all the remote villages, and almost all the rural kids, like me, hated it!

Or, don’t buy trouble and just enjoy what you’ve got now and change if you need to. I don’t suppose your toddler cared today! Car journeys are great for chats, music and audiobooks.

Thestagshead · 23/09/2022 14:56

Can’t see how this would be an issue for a kid?

Original poster
Spicycurry · 23/09/2022 15:00

Why is everybody trying to make me feel bad about secondary school? Just wondering.

OP posts:
Lunabun · 23/09/2022 15:14

I grew up rurally, I adored my childhood and would never want it to have been any other way. Not sure why posters are saying the only thing to do in the country is sit in the house - I spent (and still do) most my time outdoors!

I went straight to uni in a big city with no problems at all, and I have no issues with independence.

I wouldn't feel guilty, it's probably just a bit of a mental adjustment Smile

Hearthnhome · 23/09/2022 15:17

Spicycurry · 23/09/2022 15:00

Why is everybody trying to make me feel bad about secondary school? Just wondering.

Not sure anyone is trying to make you feel guilty

But since your op said ‘very remotely’ people expect it is very remote. Which causes problems for secondary school travel. That’s a far bigger deal than spending 2 hours, broken up over the day in a car seat

Original poster
Spicycurry · 23/09/2022 15:20

It’s also ten years away, I’m all for planning for the future but it’s not really what I’m posting about!

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 23/09/2022 15:23

At least you do feel guilty. There's so many people on here who lament about living remotely and woe is them that their DC can't get a bus to school and have to walk down unlit country roads etc etc like it's everyone else's problem when it was clearly their choice to live that way. Most of them don't seem to drive either, so at least you're more on the ball. Presumably you felt the benefits outweighed all the taxi-ing to and fro, so focus on the benefits, but it's not something I'd enjoy with a little one. It's great them being able to walk to friends/school/park.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 23/09/2022 15:27

I’m all for planning for the future but it’s not really what I’m posting about!

I think that's the point though - you seem to have moved to a rural location without thinking through the ramifications of that. PPs are suggesting you take a longer term view.

You say you don't mind it for yourself. You don't mention that your child is unhappy. So perhaps you are inventing a difficulty that doesn't exist.

Original poster
Spicycurry · 23/09/2022 15:29

I think posters seem to think I live about an hour from the nearest town, though, which isn’t the case.

School wise, no definite decisions yet. A lot depends on whether we are able to have a second baby - isn’t looking good at the moment. If we only have this one we’ll probably look at the private route.

But I didn’t really expect to be drawn into a conversation about senior schools when I posted feeling bad because my one year old had spent the morning in and out of the car!

OP posts:
Breezycheesetrees · 23/09/2022 15:31

Spicycurry · 23/09/2022 15:00

Why is everybody trying to make me feel bad about secondary school? Just wondering.

There's a lot of strong anti-rural living feeling here. We live quite remotely and it's bliss - it's true we can't walk to a shop or get a deliveroo or whatever, but my kids have so much freedom and connection to nature that I used to fantasise about as a city-dwelling child. And when they get older they'll be in the same boat as all their mates, they'll have bikes and I'll give them lifts! It's really not a drama. But I do think you have to make remote living a positive thing rather than always driving miles to try and replicate a city existence.

Original poster
Spicycurry · 23/09/2022 15:35

Thanks. It’s pretty hard to spend all day at home with a toddler, he does enjoy the groups and things we do. It’s a bit of a pain that they involve more of a drive than they used to, and so I do feel guilty when it feels like most of the day is spent in the car.

I think he will be very happy here, he is probably more fortunate than about ninety percent of children who were born on the same day as him, so I don’t think anyone needs to actually worry about him (not that they were, just trying to exacerbate my already guilty feelings) but it can be tricky working out the logistics of things at times.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 23/09/2022 15:37

One of the reasons I moved to a city centre this year from suburbia. I hated having to get in the car to even go and buy a pint of milk. Going to the pub was a feat of organisation with taxis (esp. post pandemic) and my day was based around a driving school run. now my car doesn’t move from one week to the next. I walk and cycle locally and catch the train for longer journeys. It is very liberating not to be a slave to the car.

Sorry OP probably not terribly helpful. Is loving at least to a village a possibility?

Choconut · 23/09/2022 15:38

Why don't you order online (if poss) or do the supermarket at the weekend and your OH have some time with him at home. 30 minutes to toddler group is fine, just put on some nursery rhymes for him to listen to while you drive or something.
I'm sure there are loads of walks you can go on without having to drive, maybe woods to walk through, leaves, sticks and stones to collect, puddles to jump in, mud pies to make, picnics to have, dens to be made as he gets older, trees to climb. Living in the countryside is flipping amazing.