AIBU to feel hurt at lack of birthday effort?

[totallyimperfect]

I’ll start by saying I did say to DH that I didn’t want him spending money on me (actually genuinely didn’t as like everyone it’s a bit tight at mo) but that he could maybe take a few bits of jewellery that I’ve had sitting in a drawer for ages and can’t wear with broken clasps etc to go get fixed?
I have 2 daughters, one a teenager and have always emphasised effort over cost on gifts, as like most mums I go to loads of effort so things are nice and everyone feels special on their birthday.
I was away for work for 2 days and finished early to get back to pick up youngest daughter from school and came home to some supermarket flowers and chocolates from DDs (I know this supermarket dash was a last minute thing) youngest did a picture of me which was my best present, husband gave me a card.
we had open evening at a school so spent the evening wandering round classrooms and then came home to eat ready made food, that I picked up from service station on way back from work.
I did tell my eldest I feel a bit sad at lack of effort and then felt awful for saying anything at all?
I did ask for low key birthday AIBU to feel sad for rubbish low effort birthday?

@ChristmasFluff are we siblings? 😅

YABU to moan at your daughter (who is a child with limited money and means of getting presents), and not your husband, who is the adult.

YABU to specifically tell your family you wanted a low key birthday and then complain when you got a low key birthday
YABU to tell your husband not to spend money on you but then ask him to get jewellery clasps mended - nowhere will do that for free, and if you've got several broken pieces it could cost quite a lot!

Basically YABU to expect your family to be mind readers, and not only guess what you want without you telling them, but to second guess that what you've told them isn't what you actually want.

Next time TELL THEM 'I don't want anything expensive for my birthday but do want some presents, ideally with some thought to go into it, for example chocolates/flowers are fine but make sure they are ones I like. A thoughtful message written in a card is lovely. Can someone else plan/make tea and buy a cake.'

There is a difference between no spend and no effort.
Cooking her favourite meal, giving a massage etc are low cost/free but would have shown that they cared.

Was it a special birthday OP? I plan my own birthdays now so that way I get the birthday I actually want! I often arrange a weekend away with my friends/sister etc or brunch with local friends etc. I send links to things I might like DH to buy me & something small kids could get me etc. if I didn't I would just get flowers & choc which is fine but boring. I'm not really into flowers - they die & smell & drop petals everywhere & I end up cleaning it up anyway. This year myself & DH both agreed we would do our 'normal' things on birthdays as they were mid week & DD had 3 A Level exams the same week as my birthday anyway. I went to my HIIT class on my birthday (Wed night) & 5 weeks later my DH did his footy training on his birthday. We did something nice together with the kids on the nearest weekend etc. I went to cinema during the day with a friend as I'm a SAHM on my birthday. We've been together 27 years so I've learned not to expect grand romantic gestures from DH 🤣 We don't spend a lot on gifts for each other - usually just books etc. My DH is great at most things but doesn't see why birthdays are so important (unless you're a child etc). I've had disappointing ones before so now I plan my own 👏

This is so common isn't it? Mothers and wives become the birthday organisers and it rarely gets reciprocated.

Unfortunately you need to give am indication of expectations eg "I'll leave it to you to book a restaurant for my birthday" - be lovely if we didn't have to but we do.

When I was a kid I had no idea what to buy my mum and thought supermarket flowers were special cos they weren't often in the house. So I'd be OK with the effort, but obvs you know her best!

Men usually do want to make us happy but are often a bit crap. I have found that thanking my husband for a shit meal he's cooked, crappy flowers etc and saying how special it has made me feel (as genuinely as possible) organically makes him up his game and he puts more effort into pleasing me. So before your next birthday say how he always spoils you and puts lots of effort into thinking about you and see what happens!

YANBU to feel disappointed that they didn't make more of an effort...but I think you need to start asking for exactly what you want and not doing what many of us do and downplaying our own needs. You clearly do want some effort to be made, so say that next time.

The problem with being a martyr is it eventually comes round to bite said martyrs on the backside......your husband did as you asked with a token gift thrown in for good measure. So don't complain about it.

I suspect you make lots of effort and then are always disappointed if others don’t do the same. Effort shouldn’t be based on reciprocation. That said, they could have done things easily to make you feel better here - perhaps next time be clearer instead of expecting them to do what you’d do, and simply suggest they cook/arrange the food.

YANBU

I can never understand how people tolerate partners who make so little effort, as these posts are sadly not uncommon on MN.