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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt at lack of birthday effort?

60 replies

totallyimperfect · 23/09/2022 06:31

I’ll start by saying I did say to DH that I didn’t want him spending money on me (actually genuinely didn’t as like everyone it’s a bit tight at mo) but that he could maybe take a few bits of jewellery that I’ve had sitting in a drawer for ages and can’t wear with broken clasps etc to go get fixed?
I have 2 daughters, one a teenager and have always emphasised effort over cost on gifts, as like most mums I go to loads of effort so things are nice and everyone feels special on their birthday.
I was away for work for 2 days and finished early to get back to pick up youngest daughter from school and came home to some supermarket flowers and chocolates from DDs (I know this supermarket dash was a last minute thing) youngest did a picture of me which was my best present, husband gave me a card.
we had open evening at a school so spent the evening wandering round classrooms and then came home to eat ready made food, that I picked up from service station on way back from work.
I did tell my eldest I feel a bit sad at lack of effort and then felt awful for saying anything at all?
I did ask for low key birthday AIBU to feel sad for rubbish low effort birthday?

OP posts:
SallyWD · 23/09/2022 08:12

I find many men are quite literal and you really need to spell it out to them. If I said to DH I really didn't want any money spent then I would have had a birthday like you. If I'd said I'd love a special dinner then he'd either prepare one or take me out. It's a bit rubbish that he didn't fix the jewellery though. I tell my my husband I'd like a special breakfast and what type of dinner I'd like and give ideas for cheap gifts. This way I'm never disappointed! And before people say that's just men being useless he does exactly the same for his birthday - spelling out what he'd like to do, eat etc

Notonthestairs · 23/09/2022 08:14

You don't need to let this go. In fact I don't think you should.

I think you need to have a family conversation about not taking you for granted. Treat others as they want to be treated. And be honest about wanting to feel appreciated.

They should have at least planned your evening meal or suggested something nice to do this weekend.

user1471457751 · 23/09/2022 08:20

If they had bought the flowers earlier then they wouldn't have looked as nice and wouldn't last as long. Flowers are always going to be picked up last minute.

I feel for your daughter. She has put in some effort and yet you are complaining to her instead of your husband who did fuck all. Why? Do you think it's her responsibility to sort her dad out?

Original poster
totallyimperfect · 23/09/2022 08:29

we have generally a really good relationship, she would have done nothing unless DH had taken her to the supermarket, feel sad that I’ve said something

OP posts:
Original poster
totallyimperfect · 23/09/2022 08:31

I actually agree with you to some degree, she very mature though and I did go to loads of effort for her for various things recently, thought it wouldn’t kill her to know I felt a bit flat

OP posts:
Original poster
totallyimperfect · 23/09/2022 08:40

Thanks, I’ve think I’ve learnt some lessons here (we’ve been together 25 years so you’d think by now I wouldn’t be surprised!)
I think I’ll try and be clearer in future that when I say don’t spend any money I don’t mean don’t got to any effort and too once a year feel a bit special is nice even when you’re officially old!

OP posts:
Squiff70 · 23/09/2022 08:45

For my 40th two months ago my DP did absolutely nothing. Not one thing. His one gift to me was a box containing 12 bottles of Ribena. I mean, I like Ribena but I like lots of things so this is a mystery to me.

I'll never get over it. YANBU.

Floweryflora · 23/09/2022 08:50

I’m curious as to why you told your daughter and not your husband. I don’t think that’s fair on her at all.

MimiSunshine · 23/09/2022 09:12

Have you ever actually mentioned the jewellery that needs fixing?

it would not occur to me to take something like that and have it repaired. I doubt your husband has ever given your jewellery box much thought.
you need to be clearer in your expectations and communicate with the source of your frustration not your daughter who actually did something nice for you.

Sceptre86 · 23/09/2022 09:22

You shouldn't have mentioned it to your child but your dh. I do want a fuss on my birthday so I say so. By fuss I mean I want cake and a present, it doesn't have to be expensive but I do set it out. Not making or buying you a meal is sad really. You need to stop putting effort into his birthday.

mamabear715 · 23/09/2022 09:27

Belated Happy Birthday, @totallyimperfect
(Start planning your next one now.. I suggest printed-out pics of what you fancy, stuck all over the house..) ;-) xx

80sMum · 23/09/2022 09:37

RedHelenB · 23/09/2022 06:39

Yabu. If you wanted a fuss then you should have said so.

This! I think if you want everyone to make a big fuss about your birthday, you'll have to spell it out and tell them exactly what it is that you want them to do. Otherwise, they will simply do whatever they think is appropriate.

JamesBondOO7 · 23/09/2022 09:41

You got what you wanted so stop being a silly billy.
By all accounts you have a great DH

I feel like you every year bang on about wanting nothing not even a card then sulk when it happens. My family call my "grumpy" in private.

Marvellousmadness · 23/09/2022 10:12

You are being not only unreasonable but also being rediculous.

You can't say A
And then expect B

id you feel like shit
You did it to yourself

Id you want effort
Tell Him what you want
Dont let him guess
And never tell a man that you dont want anything (or for him not to spend money on you)as they will do EXACTLY as you asked

Original poster
totallyimperfect · 23/09/2022 12:01

I did actually suggest this too him as a nice thing to do for my birthday

OP posts:
Original poster
totallyimperfect · 23/09/2022 12:03

😂 true

OP posts:
hopeishere · 23/09/2022 12:06

I've given up expecting reciprocal birthdays. I now make it clear what I want in terms of food (restaurant or a take away) and present. It saves grief all round.

Dixiechickonhols · 23/09/2022 12:10

I find I have to be quite specific - I’d have made it clear cake was an essential.

daisyjgrey · 23/09/2022 12:14

Who in their right mind, when told by someone "I don't want a fuss for my birthday", believes them?

myleftventricle · 23/09/2022 12:16

You said don't spend anything and the only thing you did mention was getting some old jewellery fixed which doesn't exactly scream birthday. Just because you make an effort doesn't mean they're going to know you want the same when you have said don't spend anything. Just be clear in future - don't spend money please do get the jewellery fixed for my birthday as that would be an inexpensive but much appreciated gift, please also arrange dinner and if the kids think about getting chocolates then I like x chocolates and not y. It's not difficult. If people actually said what they wanted and didn't expect people to guess then the world would be a better and happier place.

myleftventricle · 23/09/2022 12:17

daisyjgrey · 23/09/2022 12:14

Who in their right mind, when told by someone "I don't want a fuss for my birthday", believes them?

Anyone who doesn't play stupid mind games or who prefers to be honest in their relationships.

MumCanIDoThat · 23/09/2022 12:22

myleftventricle · 23/09/2022 12:17

Anyone who doesn't play stupid mind games or who prefers to be honest in their relationships.

Show quote history

Exactly. Op yabvu, if you wanted a bit of fuss then say it. stop playing these games with your family, it's awful and manipulative because you are setting them up to fail. I like a fuss on my birthday, so that's what I get. I Don't play the martyr running around everyone else and then sit and play mind games. You got what you asked for and that's on you.

EmeraldSpo · 23/09/2022 12:25

Sorry OP YABU. When I was 16 I had a part-time job working for my dad and made essentially pocket money. I went to Tesco with about £6 and bought my mum a card and chocolates using up all I had left as her birthday gift.

A few days after her birthday we had an argument about something unrelated and she told me she knew I'd bought her a Tesco value birthday card and berated me for not caring enough about her.

Now as an adult her birthday is a constant source of anxiety for me as I feel that no matter what I do it won't be good enough and end up leaving myself skint to not disappoint her.

It was wrong to make this your teenage daughters problem

JulieMarooley · 23/09/2022 12:25

To be fair, taking jewellery to get fixed is the kind of daunting horrendous task I put off for years/decades/forever.

It needs online research, then potentially going somewhere during working hours, or on a precious Saturday, twice!

It would have been amazing but I don’t blame him.

ChristmasFluff · 23/09/2022 12:25

My mother used to do this 'oh, don't spend money on me for my birthday!' It was a horrific double-bind - if you didn't pull out all the stops, she would have a mardy. If you did, she'd moan about the price of every little thing. If you made her something, she'd shove it in a drawer, never to be seen again. If you tried to cook she'd be breathing down you neck and then throw you out of the kitchen.

I'm probably over-sensitive to the smell of burning martyr because of this (not just this, she was a fucking nightmare in general), but the way you didn't address this with your husband and only your daughter also got me feeling like I've been in her shoes.