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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fling has messaged again...what do I do?

60 replies

Hazeleyeslie75 · 22/09/2022 18:57

N/c
So awhile ago when me and dh were on a break had a fling with a childhood friend who I just got chatting to via social media.
He was very persistent, wanted more..didnt take no for an answer. After me and dh rekindled, he has messaged a couple of times
EACH time I have blown him off in somewhat polite and impolite ways (was not getting the message)
Last message sent at Christmas where I basically told him to get lost.

Last night got a message again and a friend request. So its been almost a year :(

What on earth do I do? I am afraid he will ruin things
Also, this is gettin beyond freaky now.

OP posts:

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 22/09/2022 19:38

So….this is freaking you out because you don’t want to tell your husband?

I don’t know why you’re making a big deal of this. Block and ignore. Tell your husband or don’t. He’s only got power over you because you’re keeping a secret.

Meseekslookatme · 22/09/2022 19:40

Hazeleyeslie75 · 22/09/2022 19:37

Not in the slightest. Met through a reunion. Didnt expect anything to happen...

I've managed to scare someone off before because they were mildly threatening that's all, but if he wasn't then you can't use that tactic 🙂

ILoveMonday · 22/09/2022 19:42

It was Christmas since he last messaged, so not really harassment since it's been so long. I actually think he's probably bored and horny. Tell him you're not interested and I'm sure he'll disappear again. If you're serious about making it work with your DH block him. You're clearly flattered or you wouldn't have posted about him.

Original poster

Hazeleyeslie75 · 22/09/2022 19:45

Very complex but cannot tell the DH. Canny not go in to details as I would definitely definitely out myself

OP posts:

Iamclearlyamug · 22/09/2022 19:50

If DH had many shenanigans whilst you were on this break, he can hardly complain about you doing the same can he?!

Original poster

Hazeleyeslie75 · 22/09/2022 19:51

ILOVEMONDAY
That crossed my mind that it is no longer harassing..and it has been two whole years since we met!

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 22/09/2022 19:53

Hazeleyeslie75 · 22/09/2022 19:45

Very complex but cannot tell the DH. Canny not go in to details as I would definitely definitely out myself

So you know all about his and can't tell him about yours? Had you previously cheated with this man or used him sleeping with people against him?

Butchyrestingface · 22/09/2022 19:53

Hazeleyeslie75 · 22/09/2022 19:45

Very complex but cannot tell the DH. Canny not go in to details as I would definitely definitely out myself

If your husband put it about big style whilst you were on that "break", yet for some mysterious reason you can't tell him about your ONE fling, it seems you have bigger issues than this persistent guy...

ClottedCreamAndStrawberries · 22/09/2022 19:56

Block him. I’ve had two people contact me since I’ve been married. Both times I’ve told DH straightaway (as I would expect him to do if it happened to him) and ignored and blocked.

Cw112 · 22/09/2022 20:00

If you were separated at the time you should have told your dh what happened probably when you reconnected but I think in this instance best being honest. Explain you were separated at the time so you didn't feel it was relevant and didn't want to affect you both reconnecting but you wanted him to know it happened because he's been in contact again and you're struggling to get him to go away. I'd tell your husband you've blocked him. Then if he contacts your husband at least he's already aware. He might be hurt or react badly but it'll be much worse coming from the fling than from you.

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 22/09/2022 20:04

Just tell him that you and your husband are together again, that your husband knows all about him and that you've decided that you must no longer be in contact with him.
Tell him that if he contacts either of you again then you will consider it to be harassment and that you will both take steps.

Noteverybodylives · 22/09/2022 20:05

I wouldn’t block, I would literally just ignore.

You should have told your DH as soon as you rekindled the relationship and it will come out as these things always do.

I assume you promised your DH you hadn’t been with anyone else and if he found out you lied then he’ll leave you.

But I think you need to consider telling him rather than it coming out by someone else.

I would much rather my partner gave me some respect and not make me find out from someone else.

Irridescantshimmmer · 22/09/2022 20:07

Block him like a rat up drainpipe

SlashBeef · 22/09/2022 20:15

Just block him. Its really that simple. Don't live for the drama.

BeenHereForYonkyDoodles · 22/09/2022 20:24

Many years ago I had a drunken snog with a guy I met whilst on a local night out (we were both single). It took about 5 years for this bloke to finally fuck off. We'd all shared a taxi home so he knew where i lived but I didn't give him my number. Over the years I'd have roses on my door step, notes on my car, strangers "recognising" me in pubs as this bloke had been talking about me. But it would all happen years apart. I didn't feel harassed as it certainly wasn't constant but it was really weird.
Eventually he left a note on my car with his number on for us to "arrange another drink" (after 5 years!!) & I was able to message him to tell him I was now in a long term relationship and had no interest in meeting. I wished him well and politely asked him to stop contacting me. He did but the whole thing was really weird. I couldn't even remember what he looked like!
Try being blunt, honest, wishing him well and blocking.

happy66 · 22/09/2022 20:27

Ignore! Do not reply. You have nothing left to say. But keep a log in case it is necessary.

VroomVrooom · 22/09/2022 20:27

Hazeleyeslie75 · 22/09/2022 19:45

Very complex but cannot tell the DH. Canny not go in to details as I would definitely definitely out myself

Well, it must be complex, because if he had, and I quote, ‘many shenanigans’, then your ‘D’H would be a massive hypocrite to have any issues with it.

Spanielsarepainless · 22/09/2022 20:41

Delete, ignore, block.

OrigamiOwls · 22/09/2022 21:01

You can:
A) ignore him
B) message him back firmly telling him you're not interested
C) block him
D) tell your husband
E) some combination of two or more of the above
Mumsnet aren't going to be able to give you any advice that you've not already thought of...

LikeTearsInRain · 22/09/2022 21:03

sweeneytoddsrazor · 22/09/2022 21:07

You should tell your DH. Or more importantly you should have told your DH at the time. If he had many shenanigans as you put it then there was no reason not to tell him. I can only think of one reason you wouldn't.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 22/09/2022 21:22

Assuming there is no evidence that you actually did anything, he's just a guy who you thought was a childhood friend but got weird and you have told him to leave you alone on more than one occasion. If he messages your DH, that is.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/09/2022 21:30

You’re definitely loving the attention/your perceived drama of it all.

You haven’t told your ‘DH’ because you want to keep him hanging on. Or you just don’t have the balls.

And you want to keep your ‘fling’ hanging on for exactly the same reasons.

If your ‘fling’ knows your DH’s name he can message him anytime anyway (and probably already has).

This is all about to blow up in your face, so take some responsibility for it and talk to your ‘DH’.

dworky · 22/09/2022 21:40

If he didn't take no for an answer & you complied why would he take no for an answer now?
This is the reason you never give in to anyone who does not respect the word no.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 22/09/2022 22:01

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/09/2022 21:30

You’re definitely loving the attention/your perceived drama of it all.

You haven’t told your ‘DH’ because you want to keep him hanging on. Or you just don’t have the balls.

And you want to keep your ‘fling’ hanging on for exactly the same reasons.

If your ‘fling’ knows your DH’s name he can message him anytime anyway (and probably already has).

This is all about to blow up in your face, so take some responsibility for it and talk to your ‘DH’.

Yep I agree. Just grow up and block the man and tell your husband. Or don't. But there's nothing anyone else can do for you.

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