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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say it's over until he finds his own home

47 replies

marcofrommanchester · 22/09/2022 15:08

My partner who is 50 has had to move back in with his folks as the rental market has dried up and the rentals available are crazy prices.
That means he comes to mine every single weekend. I am sick of this. We have very little privacy, I have no break from my teen kids, I'm bored out of my mind.
There is no break for me.

We've argued about it. He's saved substantial money living at home for the past year.

AIBU to stall this relationship until he gets a place of his own?

He can afford it now even though it's massive money.
He lost his own home to divorce some years ago so has rented for years.
He is generous and contributes but it's just not enough for me and I dont want him
Living with us.

OP posts:

CousinKrispy · 22/09/2022 15:11

Of course you're not unreasonable to stall the relationship, or to end it, over this! You don't owe him a place to live on weekends so he gets a break from living with his own parents.

Just tell him it isn't working for you and you only want to see him on alternate weekends (or whatever you want). Or just ask for a break altogether, take 3 months to think it over, and then decide if he really brings anything into your life.

B00mShakeShakeShakeTheR00m · 22/09/2022 15:12

If you love him and see a future with him, I'd ask him to find weekends away together at a hotel.
Renting is money down the drain. I think you're being unreasonable.

Hotandbothereds · 22/09/2022 15:13

You can stall/end a relationship for whatever reason you like.

Sounds like he’s using yours as a weekend break from being at his parents house? If you don’t want him every weekend you don’t have to have him with you that much.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 22/09/2022 15:14

I don't know, it seems quite extreme. It seems mainly as though you are blaming him for not giving you a way to escape your own life - how will dumping him help that? You'll still be struck with your kids.

I agree that there are other solutions, e.g. a hotel or air bnb. He can pay for it with all the money he has saved.

ChilliBandit · 22/09/2022 15:15

I think you are being unreasonable. The man doesn’t owe you a place to get away from your own children. Do they ever go to their Dad’s?

I don’t think this man has done anything wrong but you can end a relationship for any reason you like.

pd339 · 22/09/2022 15:15

You're not unreasonable to do whatever you like in this respect - but doesn't sound like a great relationship!

Joystir59 · 22/09/2022 15:25

I think most women would be wise to take your stance and not let male partners just move in! Stick to what suits you OP

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 22/09/2022 15:27

Why did he leave his last rental but can now afford to rent?

Original poster

marcofrommanchester · 22/09/2022 15:27

He moved city

OP posts:

summergone · 22/09/2022 15:32

In what way are you bored ? With him ? Life in general ? Teenagers ?

ChilliBandit · 22/09/2022 15:32

From the OP it doesn’t sound like he expects to move in. Does he? Or is it he just doesn’t have a place for you to escape to on the weekend?

Poppins2016 · 22/09/2022 15:36

I think you are being unreasonable. The man doesn’t owe you a place to get away from your own children. Do they ever go to their Dad’s?

I agree with this. If you didn't have a partner, you'd never get a break anyway... it sounds as though he's possibly using you to have a break from his parents and you're wanting to use him for a break from your teens... "Six of one and half a dozen of the other"...

I was going to ask what you'd do if you moved in together and joined households, but I can see that you don't wish to do that.

So I suppose I wonder whether you are really wanting a relationship, or someone to provide a bolt-hole?

What reason does he give for continuing to live at his parents? Is he wanting to save for a deposit on a house, for example (which seems sensible), or is he just 'stagnating' and enjoying the convenience (in which case I understand the frustration).

Lockheart · 22/09/2022 15:37

The issue is you want a break from your own home and children, rather than him living with his parents?

You can end the relationship if you want, but I don't think breaking up with him would solve that issue. You need to address that separately.

You can't force him to buy or rent a place just so you have a weekend bolthole.

wackamole · 22/09/2022 15:43

Has he given you any more information on his plans? Is his living there completely open-ended?

Absolutely tell him it doesn't work to have him at your place every weekend, but if the relationship is serious and otherwise good, I'd think temporarily moving to alternate weekends and/or his organising some hotel, etc. stays for the two of you might make more sense than breaking up. If you were single, would you be going away on the weekends on your own/with friends? If so, there's no reason you can't do that now.

Stopping seeing him altogether until he moves comes across as a bit of an ultimatum; be prepared that he may just end the relationship. But if you're bored and climbing the walls when you see him, maybe you should end it. You don't need a reason or excuse.

billy1966 · 22/09/2022 15:44

It is very reasonable for you to not want him at yours every weekend.

If he is saving loads he can pay for a night away twice a month and he can come to you twice a month for a night.

That would be fair IMO.

Hosting is tiring.

Bettyboop3 · 22/09/2022 15:45

Doesn't sound like you care too much for him tbh.

Original poster

marcofrommanchester · 22/09/2022 15:58

I'm sick of hosting and having no break

OP posts:

ChilliBandit · 22/09/2022 16:03

How long have you been dating? If it’s more than 6 months I wouldn’t consider it hosting and would expect him to just muck in. If he does have expectations of being hosted than that’s enough to knock it on the head. It’s hard to tell what’s going on given your answers are quite limited.

Thehop · 22/09/2022 16:03

Would you feel differently if he paid for a hotel twice a month?

forrestgreen · 22/09/2022 16:04

Tell him you're coming to his parents this weekend and see what he says.
'I like coming to yours etc' how do you think I feel, I want a change of scenery too!

Pixiedust1234 · 22/09/2022 16:08

Would it help if he took you away for a whole weekend once a month? Would he do that?

When he comes to yours every weekend does he bring food or pay for shopping? Does he do any cooking or just turns up, tv on, eats food, bed?

Original poster

marcofrommanchester · 22/09/2022 16:08

I dont want to go to his parents. I want us to have our own space and a break away from the day to day humdrum. My kids are with me 90% of the time. We are together 2.5 years .
It's handy to be at his parents for him and then a break with me every weekend.

OP posts:

knittingaddict · 22/09/2022 16:09

B00mShakeShakeShakeTheR00m · 22/09/2022 15:12

If you love him and see a future with him, I'd ask him to find weekends away together at a hotel.
Renting is money down the drain. I think you're being unreasonable.

Don't be so silly. It's a roof over your head, not money down the drain. 🙄(finding many, many uses for this emoji right now)

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/09/2022 16:13

How much of an effort is this man making for you? He should be taking you to a hotel regularly instead of imposing upon you… and his parents. It sounds as if he’s got a really cushy life with you running around after him.

ChilliBandit · 22/09/2022 16:15

So you don’t want to live with him, you just want him to fund your weekend bolt hole because your children don’t leave your house enough? Most parents don’t get a break every weekend from their children. Is it you are embarrassed he lives with his parents?

Have you spoken to him about it? Not to sound like an arse but your responses on here don’t scream “great at communication”. You are just repeating yourself and avoiding answering questions about his behaviour etc which makes me think it’s not that bad. I don’t think he has done much wrong but you do sound incompatible so maybe knock it on the head.

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