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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say it's over until he finds his own home

47 replies

marcofrommanchester · 22/09/2022 15:08

My partner who is 50 has had to move back in with his folks as the rental market has dried up and the rentals available are crazy prices.
That means he comes to mine every single weekend. I am sick of this. We have very little privacy, I have no break from my teen kids, I'm bored out of my mind.
There is no break for me.

We've argued about it. He's saved substantial money living at home for the past year.

AIBU to stall this relationship until he gets a place of his own?

He can afford it now even though it's massive money.
He lost his own home to divorce some years ago so has rented for years.
He is generous and contributes but it's just not enough for me and I dont want him
Living with us.

OP posts:

Charcy · 22/09/2022 16:16

Jesus.
You two deserve each other.
A grown ass man mooching off his parents who must be of pension age, and a grumpy ass woman who believes SHE should be able to do exactly what HE is doing.
Curious, when you had children all those years ago, where did you expect them to live 🤣 I can't work out which of you is worse, but you're both pretty shitty excuses for adults tbh.

hoorayandupsherises · 22/09/2022 16:17

You can end a relationship for any reason, there's no obligation. However, you can't decide to put it on hold - he would have to agree to that.

I think you just have to have set out your expectations, let him do the same and go from there.

AryaStarkWolf · 22/09/2022 16:21

marcofrommanchester · 22/09/2022 16:08

I dont want to go to his parents. I want us to have our own space and a break away from the day to day humdrum. My kids are with me 90% of the time. We are together 2.5 years .
It's handy to be at his parents for him and then a break with me every weekend.

That he pays for

AffIt · 22/09/2022 16:21

Presumably you, OP, are in your late 40s / early 50s yourself and therefore DONE with other people - I get it!

There are two qualities I find particularly deeply unattractive in a man (actually, in anybody): meanness and / or a reluctance to problem-solve.

Why is an employed 50-year-old man with a considerable chunk of money in the bank living with his (presumably fairly elderly) parents? Yes, the rental market is tight, but it's not completely insurmountable. If he wanted to, he could find a way round this, instead of you having to play mummy to everybody at the end of the working week.

I think you've got the ick and it'll be hard to get over this, if you can.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 22/09/2022 16:22

marcofrommanchester · 22/09/2022 16:08

It's up to you if you don't want him staying, but I have to agree with a previous poster, it doesn't sound like you're hugely keen on him. 2.5 years into a relationship, you should be buzzing to be together/to be living together, and be excited to be spending time together. You shouldn't be thinking 'oh do fuck off!'

It sounds like you don't actually like him much, and have pretty low tolerance for him. Sounds like you have low tolerance for your children too.

Also though, as a few others have said, he doesn't exactly sound like a prize peach. A man of 50, mooching off parents and living with them as long as possible, until his girlfriend lets him move in. Both of you have more red flags attached to you than a communist brigade. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

ChilliBandit · 22/09/2022 16:24

Whose to say he is mooching off his parents, given his age they are likely to be late 70s/80s? Perhaps he has some sort of caring responsibilities? He may also be paying them rent?

Testina · 22/09/2022 16:34

I think you’re just not that into him, and should split up.

2.5 years together, you shouldn’t feel like you’re “hosting”. Why do you?
Does he pitch up and expect you to feed him, for example?

How would him having his own place actually change things? If you can get away from your teens to go to his rental, you can get away now - as someone suggested, he can pay for a hotel, which if you’re craving some variation in your life is a better option.

I expect this has just run its course for you though.

Testina · 22/09/2022 16:36

“If he wanted to, he could find a way round this, instead of you having to play mummy to everybody at the end of the working week.”

Who is making her play mummy though? What does that actually mean?

I agree about the ick though!!

Original poster

marcofrommanchester · 22/09/2022 16:36

I've suggested he sorts out something for us now and again but he hasn't.
He hasn't actively
Looked for anywhere I. The last few months either as ' they're too expensive ' or he doesn't like the area.
I come straight into every weekend after a full week of work cleaning and cooking.
He has become lazy and I expect taking me for granted so im sick of him now and yes, perhaps im getting the ick .

OP posts:

Pixiedust1234 · 22/09/2022 16:39

So he does nothing at yours? No cooking, shopping, washing up, the 9dd bit of hoovering or changing the bed? Is he basically another child that you are paying for and running around after?

If so then no wonder you are fed up. Either he steps up or kick him out.

AffIt · 22/09/2022 16:39

@Testina

Who is making her play mummy though? What does that actually mean

The OP has described his time at her house as 'hosting', so I'm assuming he's not cleaning the bathrooms / taking the bins out / deworming the cat on these weekends.

I love having guests to stay, but if I had to do it every weekend after working and looking after my house all week (I don't have kids, but I would imagine throwing a couple of teenagers into the mix would make it even more challenging), then I'd be a bit pissed off.

Original poster

marcofrommanchester · 22/09/2022 16:40

He doesn't really contribute to the running of the home.
He does but meals sometimes.

OP posts:

GreenManalishi · 22/09/2022 16:54

It's just not enough for you and you're sick of him. You've answered your own question.

He wants you to provide him with an escape from his parents. You want him to escape you away from the cooking and cleaning and the kids every weekend. It's not happening, pull the plug and start again.

Unicorn717 · 22/09/2022 16:56

You'd had enough of him. Just tell him it's not what you want anymore.

Noteverybodylives · 22/09/2022 16:58

YABU

You don’t need to end or stall the relationship just to get a break from him - just tell him he can’t come around this weekend as you’re too busy.

When you do want to see him then get a cheap hotel somewhere if you don’t want to go to yours or his parents.

Caroffee · 22/09/2022 16:59

You can suggest a break but he may call time on the relationship altogether. I take it you don't see a future where you and your partner would be living together full-time because essentially it would be the same situation that you are in now but every day of the week? If you can't hack it 2 days per week, you won't want it 7. You sound like you want a partner who has their own place and no kids of their own so that they can provide you with a 'break' from your own kids (even though you wouldn't get that if you were still living with the children's dad)? Maybe go back to OLD and be specific about your criteria.

Testina · 22/09/2022 17:04

marcofrommanchester · 22/09/2022 16:40

He doesn't really contribute to the running of the home.
He does but meals sometimes.

You mean in practical terms?
Meals “sometimes” isn’t enough. He should be sorting out dinner for you as often as you do for him, for example. Even if that means dinner for 4. He wouldn’t be at mine every weekend unless he was cooking every weekend 🤷🏻‍♀️

My now husband used to stay at mine more often than vice versa as my children are younger than his so it worked better. If I was doing laundry, he’d help - no discussion, he’d see me hanging things out, and just reach into the basket and join in. He’d text on his way over and ask if I needed any shopping - meaning anything for the whole week ahead, not just his visit. He didn’t have set chores - such as vacuuming - but if there were plates to be washed after dinner, he’d pitch in.

So is he just sitting around in his pants being waited on?

holidaynightmare · 22/09/2022 19:34

marcofrommanchester · 22/09/2022 15:58

I'm sick of hosting and having no break

The alternative being making small talk with his elderly parents

I don't think you are that bothered tbfh and If you aren't you should have the decency to tell him

If you liked him that much you wouldn't mind having him at your house it would seem like your looking for excuses to get rid

CruCru · 22/09/2022 19:38

So this man is taking you for granted and you’ve had enough. This is a fair reason to give someone the push.

Is it not weird and annoying for your teenage children to have your boyfriend stay over every weekend? I must admit that was my first thought.

Riverlee · 22/09/2022 19:59

“He has become lazy and I expect taking me for granted”.

Thats the crunch of the matter. He’s becoming a weekend cocklodger. After two years, he should be part of the furniture, not a guest.

ILoveShula · 22/09/2022 20:03

@B00mShakeShakeShakeTheR00m , putting a roof over your head is not money down the drain.

KarmaStar · 22/09/2022 20:04

You sound fed up in general to be honest.
Also you don't sound like you're in love with him.
Don't have him over,do things,go out,have fun,you don't have to stay indoors with him all weekend cooking and looking after everyone else.
Tell him how you feel,don't you do things as a family?
There's a lot to work through but firstly decide if you actually want a future with him.

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