Entitled attitude: grandparents must provide childcare

[Hope54321]

I’m seeing a lot more of this attitude quite recently. Why do people have children if they can’t look after them or pay for their childcare? Why is it that grandparents are expected to do the childcare so the parents can work? I think it’s acceptable if the grandparents are offering to help out, but to feel like grandparents should be obliged to offer childcare is simply taking the biscuit.

Speechless. YOU are responsible for your own actions. If you (ever) have your own children, I hope they blame you for everything they do one day. Let us know how that feels. Literally the worst post I have read on Mumsnet. Thinking that you are probably trying to provoke a reaction.

Its very simple actually. At some points in your life you pay in, at others you take out. As a healthy working adult with no dependent children, I currently take very little out compared to families with children. Yet according to the person I was responding to, simply because I'm a grandparent, I should be also providing free childcare to further assist the current generation of parents. The poster appears under the illusion that simply because your child gives birth, you are automatically a wealthy retiree who only takes.
It was called Family Allowance. My parents got it for me. I got child benefit, the same as parents today. I'm not sure if it was capped then. I never earned enough for that to be a consideration.

Fucking hell, you really hate old people, don’t you? I really hope you don’t have any in your life.

They seem to think their national insurance has been accruing in a vault at Gringott’s

In fairness a lot of people (not just the coming up to pension age cohort) think that NI is invested for them rather than what you accrue is an entitlement based on what you've paid in NI over your working life.

No idea who Gringott's are, though.

My youngest is at preschool. My mum is in her late 70s and my mil is 80 and appears to be starting with dementia. We manage without help just as our mothers managed with help as both dh and I were raised in different countries to our grandparents.

I also think it's lovely for a child to have a relationship with a gp, which is only really possible when it's just them.

@antelopevalley @Tiddlywinx and @jesusjoan Thank you for your kindness and empathy. I would never have got that from parents of DGC!

@Tiddlywinx You asked some further questions. I will answer as best I can but I have to be careful of what I might say for fear of repercussions.
I was warned off trying to see DGC. I did try to make communication but that was rejected. I am not the only relative who feels they have been pushed away. The babysit when we want but don't otherwise see the DGC is a long-standing feature in my life with DGC. Officials have noticed what goes on. Due to other factors I don't dare try to make any contact with the DGC or their parents. There are others in contact with the DGC who is not allowed round certain other children. If I am not around I can not be accused of anything but that was only my thoughts. In reality the accusations were made. I did nothing wrong other than rebel against being used.

No idea who Gringott's are, though

Oh, HP reference. I really hope my pension isn't in a fictional wizarding bank.

@Wouldloveanother Sit doon, hen.

I think that is a big difference between the US and the UK. It's the norm in the US to sort your care in later life.

Its very simple actually. At some points in your life you pay in, at others you take out.

It depends on your income & how much tax you have paid surely?

As a healthy working adult with no dependent children, I currently take very little out compared to families with children.

So you did take it out at some point then as you had dc?

Statistically people get less healthy & cost the NHS more as they get older.

I'm not sure if it was capped then. I never earned enough for that to be a consideration.

But I thought that people had to earn at least late 30s to be a net contributor? That's my point, you can't just assume you are subsiding others just because they have dc.

So are you saying it’s ok for you to use a nursery for child care so you can work but it’s not ok for others to have grandparents looking after their grandchild so the parents can work?

And just so you know - saying things like ‘looking after my children like parents are supposed to’ only makes you come across as judgemental and ridiculous.

It's certainly not the norm amongst my peers. Some very demanding elderly people who absolutely refuse to go into a home.

If you own a house you can sell it to pay for care. If you don't it will be paid for you.

Otherwise I am either paying for nursery so that I can work or looking after my child myself, you know like a parent is supposed to

Completely depends on your culture. As I said above it's normal for many to have help from gps. Not sure why having family help means someone isn't doing what a parent is supposed too 🤔

I had my kids in the 1980s and early 90. Yeap, it was a fucking doddle having to go back to work with 12 week old babies - because that's what maternity leave was. Still, at least that was better than my poor dh got because paternity leave wasn't even a thing. Piss easy doing still night feeds and of course expressing milk for the childminder while holding down a professional job. Free hours of childcare at age 3? Are you having a laugh? It didn't exist. Oh and the mortgage rates which shot up well into double figures and even at best averaged around 7-8 % . Holidays, cars, electronic goods, furniture, clothing- all relatively much more expensive than nowadays.

In contrast, my DIL is now enjoying her 9th month of maternity leave with my darling grandson. She won't need to go back to work at all until he's a year old! And then she and my ds will have a relatively short time of paying nursery before the 30 free hours kicks in when grandson turns three. My ds and DIL are just back from a lovely summer holiday, they aren't rolling in money but they certainly have enough for meals out, cinema, a gig now and then.

So pardon me if I don't rush to give up my career (Yeap, amazing innit, some grannies still work!) to provide free childcare for them. I absolutely adore my grandson, and of course I love my son and DIL but I don't owe them a free child minding service.

This seems like quite an unusual awfully sad situation! I can’t believe your child would treat you like that!

if it’s any comfort, I do wish my children’s grandparents cared 1/10th of the amount you seem to. They’ll see one day how lucky there are x

That's my point, you can't just assume you are subsiding others just because they have dc

I know I am currently and have done for at least the last 30 years. It’s fine, I don’t mind - except when I get all manner of vitriol hurled at me by the recipients because of my date of birth.

No shit. How have I reached nearly 70 without knowing that? 🙄

Some very demanding elderly people who absolutely refuse to go into a home.

The ageism and derogatory language being used on here about elderly people (or it would seem basically anyone past childbearing years) is fucking rank rotten. Which I suppose supports the OP's original post.

The elderly parents boards are not full of posts from the elderly parents. They're full of posts from the children of elderly parents who want to protect their parents assets so they will inherit them. When you get to the stage in life where you need full time care, hanging on to your house and savings is of no benefit to you at all. Far better to be 'selfish' and insist they're used to pay for a better standard of care.
All the avoiding of inheritance tax and care fees is motivated by the greed of the would be beneficiaries who love to tell everyone how 'devastated' their parent would be if the family home was sold. When truth is, by the time it comes to it the parent is often too frail to know or care.
Yes, of course some 'squirrel away' their assets, but its their children who benefit, and those same children could always tell them no.

When women could retire at 60, not 67, they would have time to help with grandchildren. Many grandparents are still working and also caring for their own parents.

I don't have local family support. My parents only offer to help if it's a scheduled medical appointment and we need childcare cover for the other DC. Same with MIL.

I am a SAHM for this reason. They all made it clear that they could not cover childcare on a regular basis. Both sets of grandparents are elderly or have health issues.

@Tiddlywinx Thank you so much It means a lot to have appreciation.

@Blossomtoes likewise I'm subsiding loads of pensioners, I don't mind either as I believe in society but it's frustrating when so many older people refuse to acknowledge the intergenerational inequality & blame it on younger people spending money on the internet or whatever. Not saying you are guilty of that but you replied to my post.