Should I lower my standards - house and children

[Autumnsunbaby]

I’m 39 weeks pregnant and struggling. I’m the ‘automatic’ parent when the children want anything because I address things straight away, give them attention straight away and stay organised.
My husband probably does a lot more around the house and for the children than most do but I am a perfectionist and it has got me into bother before, I get very worked up if things don’t go to plan or are done ‘properly’ 😣 (something I need to work on).

My issue at the minute are school mornings and bedtimes.
Over the school holidays I started to teach especially my older son (10) to be more organised and independent knowing full well very soon I could be stuck to the couch breastfeeding a baby at these times. My 4 year old has started to dress himself, put his dirty clothes in the basket and do his own cereal (with some aid) in the mornings but needs some reminders to do these things which is understandable as he’s only four! (nearly 5). I told my husband how he can help more at these times but at the moment all I do is shout and nag and remind them all constantly what they need to do. Like I have to micromanage every part of these times or things get forgotten or they would be late for school unless I get involved.

Its leaving me so stressed. I get the uniform out the night before and my eldest son has a list he works off but still doesn’t do it all without verbal reminders.
My husband will lie in bed on his phone before getting up then be stressed that he’s running out of time for work/ school. Everyone leaves things lying around (that ‘they don’t see’).

I probably am unreasonable, like a chuffing Army Sargent. Maybe I need to let things go to sh*t and let them be late/ leave their homework/ leave with crusty milk on their faces just to prove a point. 😣

But why should you live in a shit hole ? No, you need to be a manager unfortunately.

Can your children's other parent do some parenting to be fair?
He (their dad and equal parent) could help your 4 year old in the morning?
You could help with lunch prep the day before and verbally support your 10 year old with reminders in the morning?
Divide it up?

I'm passed child rearing but I understand what you're saying, I'm very organised and not great with lowering standards.

On the plus side, I was promoted many times at work due to this.

Every time you step in and rescue the situation you're teaching your DC and DH that they don't need to take responsibility thrmselves.

Set a clear boundary and timeline for them e.g. next week I expect you to do xyz yourself before 8am, or whatever it is you need them to do. Make sure they understand what is expected of them the day before. Then on the day itself step back and let them execute. If they are late that's on them not you.

You need to do whatever is required for short term. So focus on getting out of the house in time for school - as much as possible packed the evening, a checklist by the door for dc1 to ensure he has packed whatever is required that day, have dc2 dress in a place where you can feed baby at same timer dh help, independent breakfast with dh supervising while you get ready to get out of the door Once both at school you can relax with baby and tidy up. As long as baby is clean and fed you can leave changing until you get home.

I agree. You need to let your DH fail a few times so he learns to take responsibility. Once he's dropped the children late/ without stuff a few days, he'll realise that he's letting them down. And if he's a decent parent, he won't be happy with that so will develop his own routine/coping strategies to make sure this doesn't happen.

Picture reminders?
Instead of you shouting reminders, get 10yo to call when he has done each task and what he is doing next?
I found a 'once downstairs stay downstairs' for my younger one helped. So breakfast, then teeth downstairs and dressed downstairs. Meant I could keep an eye and less shouting up the stairs required.

Your DH should be out of bed helping. That should be non negotiable.

Edited to add… my husband does A LOT (and so he should as we both usually work full time) but his timing/ organisation can be terrible.
He is much more laid back personality wise than me and this is where the frustration starts. I want everything done yesterday (and perfectly) and he will end up doing it but isn’t in a rush.

Then I look like the bad, shouty mum because I get stressed that things aren’t going perfectly and overcompensate to make sure they do. 😣

Or maybe DH could stop being another child and actually proactively help??

But things like getting the kids up and off to school is time sensitive, not just a "they'll get done but I'm not gonna rush it". They HAVE to be done on time.

Where does it say she lives in a shithole? Why should everyone else in the house hold keep up to her standards? If they want a more relaxed home, what’s wrong with that?

Yeah - I am relaxed with mess and tidiness. But I do a lot more of the kids stuff. I think just relax a bit, let them be late a bit and forget stuff. I am v punctual though.

Can you just not get angry about it? Like keep reminding them but remind yourself that they are little and learning and it will take time? You’re coming across as very black and white about it, there are other places between you shouting and leaving them filthy. Are you worried something bad might happen if things aren’t done exactly the way you want? I ask because I got like this when I had postnatal OCD.

Your husband holds down a full time job. Stop micro managing him, he doesn’t need it.
You don’t like his style of rushing around - but that’s him. It doesn’t sound like he’s actually late - and see also him having a job!
My oldest teen daughter spends the last 5 minutes of every school morning dashing around saying, “omg omg where’s my coat, I’ll gonna be late!” She has plenty of time, her coat is where it always is. It’s just her personality. I expect your husband is similar and it’s actually you adding the real pressure there.

With regards to the children… yes, let the older one be late. You’re doing him no favours.

It kind of sounds like you need to do something yourself for it to be done right, but that's probably really demoralising for your husband when you say he does do a lot but you're also saying the way he does it isn't right or good enough. You're not a one woman army so yes you need to step back and take the help he gives and not criticise him too much for doing it differently to you. If mornings are stressful and he lies on when you need help then I'd put him in charge of mornings so he knows he needs to be the one to get the kids out to school and be organised. It will probably be painful to watch initially but he'll find his groove if you step back and let him get to grips with it but if you rescue him out of it then he won't learn. Do you have a big visual family routine stuck up somewhere obvious that everyone can follow?

I would let your DH take more responsibility so he can see the consequence of his not rushing. Split with clear jobs for each of you and let him take then to school - if they’re late it’s on him. I’m of the camp for not lowering your own standards as I think it leads to resentment tbh. Good luck op xox

This is ridiculous and assumes that DH is severely lacking if he can't get two children ready in the morning.

Honestly, OP, when the baby arrives stay in your bedroom feeding/cuddling them and let the others muddle through. They'll work it out.

What tends to happen is this.

One person doesn’t want “to live in a shit-hole”
Everyone else doesn’t want to walk on eggshells around someone who will rarely be happy with what is done, and who lives resentfully that only they do things properly.
Shouting leads to children associating cleaning up with tears and upset.

Everyone else leaves, and the one who “can’t live in a shithole” gets to live by themselves but without any meaningful relationships.

Everyone else gets therapy to try to recover from years of being shouted at by someone capricious, and foul tempered.

Urgh, I'd hate to live with someone like you. If I didn't do things exactly how you wanted, exactly when you wanted, I would be nit picked, micromanaged and shouted at. Your DH probably doesn't do more without you micromanaging because he knows you will find fault in it.

You should really chill out a bit, it's no fun living with someone who has to have things done just like this and no other way.
That being said, the kids are still young and will need reminding to do things for a while yet, there's no way around it. Just don't expect too much.

At one stage my work schedule changed and my DC was about 10 at the time. He was used to me reminding him of what he had to do in the morning. DH then had to take over and all of a sudden DC was able to get ready himself without reminders.
When the baby arrives let your DH get on with getting the eldest two off to school in the morning. None of the things that need to be done in morning have to be done in a certain way so let your DH sort out his own system in the morning.

You need to encourage your children to be more independent. Why is your almost 5 year old only just starting to dress themselves? My two year old has a go. Yes they need some help but much quicker if they can be getting themselves ready whilst you are getting yourself ready. And your oldest will be at secondary school next year and will need to remember their own stuff.

Also your DH sounds lazy. New baby arriving is a great opportunity for him to step up and actually parent the older two.

It sounds like you need to adjust your schedule to build time in for the things that it takes your DC longer to do. I've been there and my mornings are timed to the minute, so I understand your frustration. You can still be organised - but you have to take their "issues" into account and build in faffing time. Get them up ten minutes earlier in the morning. Re-order things. ie make them get dressed before they eat or get the bags packed the night before, have toothbrushes downstairs so they don't have to go upstairs again after coming downstairs (or whatever). If you know you will have to remind DS 10 3 times to do something build it in to the schedule.

Same for bedtime - get it started earlier. Have the meals planned in advance. Agree who is doing what. Get baby into a routine which works around the family - which will be easier once you know how long a typical feed will be etc etc.

My DH is "optimistic" about timings too - it's annoying but to save my sanity I have stopped expecting it to change and build the routine around it. I actually just get on with it and in some ways find it easier without DH! Much less shouting and frustration has occurred since I adjusted a) my expectations and b) my timings.

YABU to shout - you know this. This just makes the morning stressy and unpleasant for everyone.

In our house we have a whiteboard that says eg. Which days are PE kit days/particular things to remember for us all to refer to. Kids are 10,9 & 6. Older two dress themselves and can get their own breakfast. Youngest can dress herself but not fast enough for mornings so gets help with buttons etc. All get reminded to put uniform out the night before and pack school bags. Me or DH makes lunches the night before.... Rule is no one goes downstairs before being dressed and no TV unless completely ready to walk out of the door (breakfast done, teeth done, shoes and coat on, bag ready to go).

Thinking of housework standards - I guess I'm slack in that we don't clean up breakfast things until after school run - so dishes go in dishwasher/sink but that's it. No time for wiping surfaces or sweeping up crumbs or whatever....