To never attempt another family trip, let alone a holiday

[ElfinsMum]

Today is a public holiday here in Aus (a weird extra one on a Thursday for the queen).

I just attempted to take my 3 "D"C (11, 7, 2) to a local park. Nothing fancy, like 15 mins drive away. Interesting wildlife, nice nature playground. I packed water, biscuits, fruit. Choice of scooter and buggy for youngest. Thought I'd covered all the good mum bases.

Fuck me, it was MISERABLE. Each child took turns to whinge, claim illness, have a tantrum, be angry, get violent, cry on repeat. Oh and boss me around about how I was doing such a shit job and everyone was hating every minute of it ...soooooo much of that.

By the time we got home - after aborting the planned cafe at the end because things were getting really feral in the back seat and I couldn't face the humiliation - all of us were in tears.

This isn't how a short family trip to the park should be right? Are we somehow a fundamentally failed family? Why can't we enjoy a nice simple trip together??? And how the hell does anyone avoid turning into awful shouty mum under this kind of non stop torture?

Worst of all, we are booked to go to a family camping resort a VERY long drive away in a couple of weeks. How the fuck are we going to d this? The thought of it fills me with dread and it's meant to be a holiday.

What a mean reply. Great way to kick someone when they are down.

OP we have all been there! Either ourselves when having a bad day or with kids and their tantrums. Don't be too hard on yourself. It happens to the best of us x

Thanks for the sympathy everyone. I am relaxing with a sweet tea to get over my PTSD (and the missed cafe goodies).

My older two kids are absolute angels at school and with other adults. If I ever complain about their behaviour to others, they always give me totally mystified looks and tell me how amazing my kids are. They save this kind of special behaviour for me 🙄

The toddler is fabulous but feisty. When I asked them in the back seat why our trip was so grim, the older two both blamed the (at that moment screaming blue murder) toddler. Her wail switched immediately to an angry bellow "But I'm ruvry, I'm ruvry, I'm ruvry" over and over 😂

I take the point re staying calm as the parent to avoid amping the situation up. Need to work on that. We're all quite intense people in our house really.

Oh and yes I do have a DH btw but I was taking the kids out to give him a chance to catch up on some work this morning.

I agree with yellow tree house here. Both of mine (fair enough, only 2) knew that behaviour like that led promptly to the end of the activity. We wouldn’t tolerate screaming, shrieking or whining, winding each other up etc. You need to sit them down today and calmly explain that what happened yesterday was not acceptable and that if it happens on the trip you will drive straight home. And if it does, you have to follow through. If you make threats that you’re not prepared to carry out, you have lost. Explain what behaviour you do want to see and praise the 2 year old when s/he does it. The older 2 are old enough to understand the rules.
Yes, it’s tough to cut activities short but I’m sure that zero tolerance of bad behaviour helped us no end . A couple of early departures from treat activities made a big impact.

Don’t feel bad we’ve all been there. I always feel like my children can sense when I care about a day going well and have put in effort. These are always the day when someone is in a grump or ruins it for no reason. I have found that my kids appreciate low pressure situations much better or prefer to be spontaneous. It’s hard because I like to plan special family occasions.

I would also advise not bothering with lots of expensive days out. They never appreciate it as much as you hope they will.

My husband and kids nagged to go somewhere for the weekend that I really wasn’t into. When we actually went none of them seemed to enjoy it but I actually had a great time. It’s a weird reality that often the things you really want to enjoy end up being a let down!

@Maray1967 as I said, I did cut short the trip and refused to take them on to a cafe.

Cutting short the camping will be more challenging - it's a 2 day drive away 🤦‍♀️

But she IS ruvry! 🙂 All children are ruvry, they have struggles just like adults and it can be hard to express them calmly and healthily.

You sound like a loving and kind parent who's children feel safe enough with her to sometimes, fall apart. That is far more important than the robot army who think they have perfect children but who are ALWAYS the ones that go off the rails because they've been so suppressed and controlled growing up. They're also usually the ones that can't have healthy expression in their later relationships because they haven't grown up with that. They become people pleasers too because they want validation based on perfect behaviour. I'd rather be childless than have such specimens.
If your child can't show you their little kid struggle, they most certainly won't come to you with their teenage and adult struggles.

Take heart that you are helping them all the time. Focus on being kind and tolerance, model that behaviour to them and they will respond. You know your children are good little people with ruvry souls. Build on that.

For your next trip, set behaviour expectations but keep a margin within that to remember that they will also act up. Also utilise natural consequences as opposed to punishments, they will begin to understand cause and effect.

Kick off? We will go home.

Be unkind? You will have to sit alone and reflect on your unkindness meaning missing out on x, y or z.

Hit? You will have to lose something you enjoy to give you space in your mind to think about why you shouldn't hit. Until you show that you understand and you make amends.

Example, in our house, if the 8 year old has hit the 10 year old, she will not only have to reflect and write a letter of apology, she will then have to come up with an act of kindness towards her sister for the repair to the relationship.

Shout, whine, be angry or rude in your communication? Natural consequence, I will simply not listen to you until you speak with respect.

My oldest is 15 so these methods are very embedded in our home. Safe to say I have generally compassionate, passionate and thoughtful children who will still have their wobbles but we work through them.

You've got this. Trust me.

@YellowTreeHouse OPs kids were critical of their mum and weren’t very understanding or helpful. Hopefully they will grow out of this behaviour.

If it's 2 days drive then set realistic consequences. Yes you might have to sit through misery and whinging but ask yourself, which battle do you want to fight.

If your DH is going with you, tag team. Discuss beforehand between the 2 of you how you'll handle something. Often being caught off guard with behaviour leaves us in a bit of panic and we react to the feeling as opposed to respond to the behaviour. If you have a loose plan, it'll help you to feel a little better prepared.

My 10 year old has this summer been diagnosed with Aspergers and ADHD. She has had some major relationship struggles which led to us pursuing the diagnosis.

She's AMAZING but hard work and it has an impact on her dynamic with her sisters. Her sisters in their own way are also hard work. We're a fellow intense household.🙂
But we keep modelling what we want from her, we have our rules and we know how to read her cues that tell us when something is brewing. In fact, we can and do do that with all 3 of ours.

Trust me, it gets better and easier.

I have an 11yo and a 7yo too and am in Oz. Mine are both a little bit under-the-weather and have had a very quiet, boring day at home for the public holiday. I think at this point in term three, they're just exhausted. Term three seems to be where all the work happens, as well as excursions and various school events. Sometimes they just need some down time. Don't beat yourself up; they trust you enough to have a bit of a collapse today. I bet they will be different children when camping.

When my children were aged between about 4 and 11 we simply stopped having “days out”

They turned into utter brats and ruined every single event that should have been “nice”. They turned out rather pleasant people.

I wonder if it was a mistake to cut trip to the cafe, with my DD this behaviour meant that she was tired and hungry. When I started taking her for the rest/ food half an hour earlier then my initial plan (and 1.5 hour earlier then DH suggested) our trips improved considerably.

Blimey! Judgemental much?

They save the rudeness and the rest of it for you because you are their safe space.

They are lovely children for other people because they are using the manners you taught them. You made them into those lovely children!

They just need to learn a bit more that you and their siblings are just as worthy of that respect they give to everyone else. That it’s great to relax and be comfortable at home, but that certain things are still unacceptable and always will be.

We use a variety of different things but mostly humour and appealing to their sense of the absurd. Take the whinge and run with it “we never have nice food” - “you’re right, we have the worst food ever don’t we? Tonight I’m cooking worm spaghetti with spider sauce!” And get them into thinking about worse and worse meals (it’ll end with poo. It always does. Go with it). “You’re so mean” “you’re right, I’m the meanest mummy in the whole universe. I’m so mean that when we get home I’m going to make you clean the whole kitchen with a cotton bud then cut the grass with nail clippers and then you’re going to have to sleep in a sack of slugs all night.” Or whatever. Just keep going with silliness and see if you can get them to join in. You can’t be angry and laugh at the same time.

They probably do resent the toddler a bit at times. They probably do hate each other at times. That’s ok - they’re at the ages where fairness is incredibly important and without the ability to reason exactly why she gets to ride in the buggy and they have to walk or whatever the perceived injustice might be.

You can compensate a bit for that by having them each choose one thing - so for eg in your park they each get to choose one location, you choose which first and the length of time. And the others don’t get to whine. Mishear the whine. They can’t possibly be complaining, maybe they’re just having so much fun they want to do it even longer?

when we were camping at similar ages the older two had to take it in turns to either help wash up or play with the toddler. One did each. Funny how playing with the baby became such fun!

This too shall pass.

Your 11 and 7yo were extremely badly behaved, there would have been consequences for that behavior. What were their consequences?
Your 2yo is still young so I would be a bit more understanding. I have a 6yo and tbh he has never behaved like what you described. He is always given an opportunity to think if he wants to continue his behavior or deal with the consequences. He almost always immediately choses to change his attitude.

Then you need to have consequences in place for bad behaviour. Really firm and follow through. They are ages were they are expected to behave much better than that.

Sure @MumCanIDoThat , I can get them to behave more socially acceptably by enforcing consequences. Does that mean they will then really enjoy their day out? Or like each others' company? Or have more empathy for me when things are going badly?

I understand the 2 year old might have a tantrum but the older ones?
did they actually want to go to the park? Why do they get violent? That’s quite unacceptable from the older ones.

All my friends who have 3 kids say that all 3 of them together is a challenge, with lots of whining, but remove just one of them - any one - from the mix and it's fine. I've seen this demonstrated on many holidays and days out with them. I hope that your DH is coming on the camping trip and that perhaps one of you can spend time with the toddler while the other can hang out with the older kids. I'm one of 4 and HATED all family days out or holidays unless I could bring a friend with me.

What did they want to do at home? I'd have said you have choices, you can enjoy yourself and play Xbox later, you can pretend to enjoy yourself and play Xbox later or you can carry on as you are, and the wifi is off when we get home.

Doesn't work with a toddler obv, and sometimes they just didn't want to leave home.

It’s the end of term and it’s been full on. I’m not surprised that the day went poorly. A favourite dinner, showers and early to bed for everyone tonight would be my remedy.

DD couldn’t wait for the holidays and slept 13 hours last Saturday night but she is still fragile today. We are now away but she couldn’t face having anyone come with her for the weekend.

Tomorrow is alway a new day and a new opportunity to be ruvry

I remember one particularly horrific trip out with my 3 and bringing them home early to listen to them scrapping in the car the whole time. We got into the house and I shut myself away in the bedroom crying. And I stayed there as I just couldn't even look at them.
So for the rest of that school break, we stayed in. And the next. They kept asking to go out and I said "you must be joking, I'm not putting myself through that again thank you".
When we did venture out again, they were incredibly well behaved..............

@YellowTreeHouse they may be well behaved but unfortunately their mother lacks empathy and kindness, not exactly a good role model. You should read the comments on here about your post and perhaps reflect on how you respond to people.

She did end the activity - she took them straight home instead of going to the cafe, as she has previously planned. She drove them straight home. You are just advising her to do what she did at the park.

OP I think your post is refreshing and honest of family life and pretty much all families have had days like this.

If your dc behave well at school and for other people you are doing a lot right!

Sometimes it just goes that way. Don't beat yourself up. Life goes through phases. If their behaviour sucks right now, you just address it consistently and ride out the phase.

What helps my lot is once they're in the car we set out expectations, before even starting the car. They're so keen to go that they'll listen because if they don't we don't go. Just clearly explain the basic rules, explain my expectations for their behaviour and what I will do if they don't meat the expectations. Brief reminder before we get out the car at our destination. Then occasional prompts throughout. Don't just speak at them either, ask them why you're making that rule or ask them to tell you what you want them to do. Helps them process it.

If you really want to get them motivated offer a reward for if they do everything right. "If you can do all that properly, we will go to the cafe, if you don't we'll just go straight home after. But if you really act up, we will leave early. I want to go to the cafe and I think you do too so let's try really hard"

You have to remember they're not adults. They don't naturally know the rules of society yet, it's our job as parents to teach them what is and isn't ok. We need to motivate them to do it!