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AIBU?

Fiance didn't even get a card for birthday

44 replies

mummabear34 · 21/09/2022 23:00

So I've been with my partner a LONG time, we are getting married next year. It was my birthday last week and we had plans to spend the morning together and he had planned to buy me flowers on the way over apparently- I only know this due to a flippant comment he made about how he's glad he didn't buy them on the Sunday. But on my birthday morning he tested positive for COVID and did his isolation- came over when was over, no card no flowers no nothing. Same today again. Not even acknowledging it - I mentioned tonight how I only got 1 card and he replied saying he didn't see the point in getting a card etc a few days after as was pointless cuz it was over.
Its actually really upset me and I have no idea why. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Hapoydayz · 21/09/2022 23:03

Come on you are better than being with a total shit like this. He doesn’t value you or appreciate you. Why would you marry him? Expect more. You have one life.

Hapoydayz · 21/09/2022 23:03

And Happy Birthday 🎉

Keyansier · 21/09/2022 23:13

Personally, I would never (and don't) buy birthday cards for birthdays I have missed. Because I feel like if the day has passed (especially a week, or however long isolation is these days) the recipient will just read it and then it would go straight into the bin without at least being displayed with the others.

However: Flowers? Present(s)? Where are they? He sounds thoughtless and flippant. Tell him how you feel about this and see what he says or does. His reaction may make you second guess whether marriage next year is a good idea or not.

I hope you had a nice birthday regardless Cake

Always4Brenner · 21/09/2022 23:17

Leave it won’t get any better my ex never once brought me a card in fact I’d work on my birthday I’d have more fun.

mondaytosunday · 21/09/2022 23:29

It's amazing what the internet can do - he should try it some time!

Pixiedust1234 · 21/09/2022 23:47

ummm... I can understand about not buying flowers until the day as he might have wanted them as fresh as possible but surely he would have bought and signed the card prior? In which case it would have been a bigger waste to throw it in the bin.

Op - are you sure he actually had covid and wasn't using it as a get out excuse? I would look at my relationship carefully now, the disrespect will only get worse but you will be blamed for being needy and unreasonable. Its insidious.

mummabear34 · 21/09/2022 23:50

Thanks for everyone agreeing with me. To me I've never really gotten spoilt or made a fuss off - my mum only got me a gift this year cuz I pulled her on the fact I was still waiting for her taking me to buy a new charm from last years birthday and had to tell her exactly what I wanted. The kids are too young to go buy something from them and no-one ever thinks to get me something from the kids so the fact that it's the first birthday after we get engaged that he would have had at least went snd got me a 3 quid bunchn of half dead flowers from garage as a token from himself even a week later.

I always make effort when comes to his so thought it was a bit rubbish.
I had the crappest birthday ever. 1 card and 1 gift - had to buy my own cake and it might as well have been like a normal Monday as was doing school runs andnfood shopping and nobody came to visit either.
We aren't living together yet so his isolation was done in his house xx

OP posts:
Loachworks · 21/09/2022 23:52

Having COVID was no excuse. I once ordered flowers for DM 300 miles away from my hospital bed in ICU. There is no excuse. What did he do last year?

mummabear34 · 21/09/2022 23:54

Pixiedust1234 · 21/09/2022 23:47

ummm... I can understand about not buying flowers until the day as he might have wanted them as fresh as possible but surely he would have bought and signed the card prior? In which case it would have been a bigger waste to throw it in the bin.

Op - are you sure he actually had covid and wasn't using it as a get out excuse? I would look at my relationship carefully now, the disrespect will only get worse but you will be blamed for being needy and unreasonable. Its insidious.

Yeah he defo had covid, I seen all his tests - he sent me pics of them etc and I know he wasn't in work etc as I'm friends with a girl he works with. He's the sort that would have got the card on the way from his to mine and signed it in car xx

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2022 23:56

Wait... You've been together a "LONG" time, have kids, and still don't live together?

FacebookPhotos · 21/09/2022 23:56

Life is too short to be with someone who can't be arsed to buy you even a token gift.

QS90 · 21/09/2022 23:57

You certainly shouldn't have to remind your loved ones to treat you with respect and niceness - your fiance in particular should WANT to fuss you on your birthday imo! If it were me I'd take myself out somewhere lovely for a treat. Maybe a spa? Get your OH to babysit to make up for being so thoughtless. Your birthday week can still improve!! Xx

Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2022 23:59

If it were me I'd take myself out somewhere lovely for a treat. Maybe a spa? Get your OH to babysit to make up for being so thoughtless.

A father doesn't "babysit" his own children, it's called parenting. FFS, the bar is set so low for so many.

QS90 · 22/09/2022 00:02

@Aquamarine1029 quite right if so - we don't know the relationship between the children and the fiance. Didn't want to assume.

mummabear34 · 22/09/2022 00:02

Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2022 23:56

Wait... You've been together a "LONG" time, have kids, and still don't live together?

Yeah, our son is 9. It was a fling few years of being friends with benefits which stopped when we both met someone else to whom I have my 4 year old with which ended when I was pregnant and when my daughter was around d 6 months old there was a trauma and we got really close again and ended up making it official. He's a full time single dad to.his teenager and I've an older teenager to a relationship when I was 18 so moving in together eas never priority due to making sure everyone was happy and comfy but we have a move in date set to our new home for the week after Xmas. Was just a well complicated situation

OP posts:
Kitkatcatflap · 22/09/2022 00:02

I agree with the poster above. If you care about someone and you know they enjoy birthdays - then surely you want to make a fuss because they enjoy it. It's not about expensive gifts, it's about care and thought and making them feel special. The 'I don't like cards, birthdays' brigade will pipe up but it's not about them. And OP says she makes an effort on his birthday.

You are not even married yet - are you prepared for a lifetime of this OP?

mummabear34 · 22/09/2022 00:04

Loachworks · 21/09/2022 23:52

Having COVID was no excuse. I once ordered flowers for DM 300 miles away from my hospital bed in ICU. There is no excuse. What did he do last year?

Last year he bought me dinner, got me flowers and a few wee silly bits (as I love cups and stationary) and we had a nice night together.

OP posts:
mummabear34 · 22/09/2022 00:15

QS90 · 21/09/2022 23:57

You certainly shouldn't have to remind your loved ones to treat you with respect and niceness - your fiance in particular should WANT to fuss you on your birthday imo! If it were me I'd take myself out somewhere lovely for a treat. Maybe a spa? Get your OH to babysit to make up for being so thoughtless. Your birthday week can still improve!! Xx

Hes a full time dad to his daughter who isn't mine and we have 1 child together, I have 2 others who aren't his BUT he treats them all like they are his so would look after them, no issue so I think a wee spa day will defo be getting booked xx

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 22/09/2022 00:16

Last year:
Last year he bought me dinner, got me flowers and a few wee silly bits (as I love cups and stationary) and we had a nice night together.

This year:
the fact that it's the first birthday after we get engaged

I really do hope that he's not thinking that now he's got you snared, he doesn't have to give a shit anymore. But have a think about the rest of his behaviour since you got engaged.

mummabear34 · 22/09/2022 00:18

Kitkatcatflap · 22/09/2022 00:02

I agree with the poster above. If you care about someone and you know they enjoy birthdays - then surely you want to make a fuss because they enjoy it. It's not about expensive gifts, it's about care and thought and making them feel special. The 'I don't like cards, birthdays' brigade will pipe up but it's not about them. And OP says she makes an effort on his birthday.

You are not even married yet - are you prepared for a lifetime of this OP?

See I genuinely feel selfish for getting upset about stuff like gifts etc but to me growing up it was never made a fuss off. Cousins got parties etc for milestone birthdays with balloons etc and even now as adults etc they still do and I see friends being spoilt rotten and it's like mmmm what am I doing wrong that I don't deserve that. I don't ask fro much but even a mug with my initial on it and I'd be over the moon as things like that are the little things that show me they listen. He doesn't see point I'm birthday and always gives off when I spoil him.but to me they are a big deal ans he knows this which makes it worse

OP posts:
Cw112 · 22/09/2022 00:23

That's pretty wick on his part. I had to isolate over some friends birthdays so I ordered flowers online for next day delivery. I'm not massive for birthdays and stuff either- would rather spend the time doing something nice- but I think it's just manners to grab a card from the local shop and some chocolates on his way round the next time he sees you. I know you've been together a long time but that's fairly basic so you don't want to let those things slide completely or you end up feeling totally undervalued and taken for granted. I'd be really hurt too.

WineIsMyMainVice · 22/09/2022 00:26

mummabear34 · 21/09/2022 23:50

Thanks for everyone agreeing with me. To me I've never really gotten spoilt or made a fuss off - my mum only got me a gift this year cuz I pulled her on the fact I was still waiting for her taking me to buy a new charm from last years birthday and had to tell her exactly what I wanted. The kids are too young to go buy something from them and no-one ever thinks to get me something from the kids so the fact that it's the first birthday after we get engaged that he would have had at least went snd got me a 3 quid bunchn of half dead flowers from garage as a token from himself even a week later.

I always make effort when comes to his so thought it was a bit rubbish.
I had the crappest birthday ever. 1 card and 1 gift - had to buy my own cake and it might as well have been like a normal Monday as was doing school runs andnfood shopping and nobody came to visit either.
We aren't living together yet so his isolation was done in his house xx

Please reconsider marrying this person. Yes know that you are worth more.
good luck op

HelloAvocado · 22/09/2022 00:28

You know already whether he is a nice chap who has fucked up on this occasion, or a shit chap who will carry on being shit. Make your decision based on that.

madasawethen · 22/09/2022 00:41

Let me guess. He was up for sex when he came over after his covid was over.

mummabear34 · 22/09/2022 00:44

@mmadasawethen actually not overly, he was on the sofa watching Mr Bean and I was bored which is why sex happened cuz I instigated it. He was here today also and nothing intimate happened. I made him a sarnie and a cuppa and we talked for 45 minutes and he went home to do his schools runs and I went and picked my tribe up x

OP posts:
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