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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that brother is judging DD

61 replies

kirstywursty012 · 21/09/2022 21:07

Hi everyone - it would be great to get some other perspectives so I can stop feeling like I'm going mad!

My brother and his wife are over with their 11 month old baby for 3 weeks (they live in the US) - its been so nice to see my niece and brother. We were very close growing up and since he became a Dad, its been harder to stay in touch.

However, he keeps making backhanded comments and doing side eye to his wife whenever my 3 year old is playing up. It's driving me insane! She's had her odd moment if her cousin is trying to play with one of her toys and because she hasn't had all our attention, she does act up for it. She hasn't really been that bad though - she's said more adorable, funny things over the past couple of weeks than bad and has been really sweet and kind wanting to cuddle her cousin.

The good times seem to go unnoticed though and my brother said something along the lines of "she kicks off a lot, you need to put her on the naughty step" to me in passing. It's starting to stress me out and I can definitely see myself taking it out on her and losing my rag a lot faster.

It also doesn't help that they just have NO interest in leaving the house. We've been cooped up all day together (I would usually take DD out twice to wear her out) - they say its pointless as their daughter is too young to enjoy any kids stuff. I also think DB's DW is a bit of an agoraphobe as she doesn't seem to go out much at home either.

And finally - their daughter is a really quiet chilled baby but she doesn't eat any solids. They have her on the floor during dinner time and I always say "shall I pop some of the food in a bowl for her so she can try it" and they just say "oh she's not really into solid food". I then think to myself "and you judge MY parenting??"

Is this just petty brother sister squabbling or AIBU in thinking he's actually being a bit of a d*ck?

OP posts:
allboysherebutme · 21/09/2022 22:32

Also it's odd they don't feed their child solids very very odd. X

Wouldloveanother · 21/09/2022 22:34

KvotheTheBloodless · 21/09/2022 22:11

At 11 months that baby will be seriously low on iron if she's not eating solids - no wonder she's 'chilled out' Shock That's serious neglect and will cause serious health problems soon.

They need an urgent referral to paediatrics if baby is refusing all solids, there are a few things that could cause this and all need looking into.

This, I’m shocked nobody else seems to have really picked up on that part of the post. No solids at 11 months?? That’s insane! She’s probably undernourished and has no energy to play up. What are they giving her, just milk?

ImAvingOops · 21/09/2022 22:41

I'd be concerned that their baby isn't sufficiently stimulated if they aren't taking her out. And her diet isn't right - even if they were giving her puréed food that met nutritional needs, babies of that age need introducing to different textures and learn to chew. I'd try to raise this with them in a non confrontational way.
They really shouldn't be criticising you while doing what they are doing

OrlandointheWilderness · 21/09/2022 22:46

GrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrin
Oh they'll learn. Just wait 2 years. They'll carry a screaming child out of Tesco under one arm like the rest of us.

The solids thing is worrying though.

Mooda · 21/09/2022 22:54

At 11 months you would expect the baby to be sitting up, crawling, pulling herself up and possibly walking rather than lying on the floor. And definitely eating solids. Does your DB seem aware of this? It's quite concerning.

Mariposista · 21/09/2022 22:58

Too young to enjoy kids stuff? What a load of rubbish. Babies just enjoy being out in the fresh air and looking around. Get your kid out and leave this lazy lot to their lazy ways. Haha in 2 years they will have the ‘acting up’ 3 year old and you will have a sweet primary age kid - then you can be nice and smug 🤣🤣

Pollyputthekettleonha · 21/09/2022 23:02

I would take your daughter out anyway, explain to them that she needs stimulation and wearing out, and see if they will come with you. She will play up cooped up all the time. Doesn't sound like she's been that bad.
An 11 month old would enjoy the park or soft play or whatever as well, newborns are too young to enjoy anything, 11 month olds are not, and also need stimulation. She is probably at least crawling so would get something out of going to the park etc.
No solids at 11 months is odd as well, and they are not even encouraging her to try or even sit at the table with everyone? This sounds a bit worrying.
They are far from perfect parents so not sure why they are criticising you. It would be tempting to criticise them back, but would probably get out more like you normally do and rise above it.

Mammyloveswine · 21/09/2022 23:06

Ffs... they can judge all they want and you absolutely can be smug as fuck when their perfect firstborn turns into a normal toddler!!

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 21/09/2022 23:13

Are they feeding the baby purées?

mondaytosunday · 21/09/2022 23:31

You'll have the last laugh when their kid turns three. Smug parents of babies who think they know everything - ha!

Etive · 21/09/2022 23:46

She's had her odd moment if her cousin is trying to play with one of her toys and because she hasn't had all our attention, she does act up for it. She hasn't really been that bad though - she's said more adorable, funny things over the past couple of weeks than bad and has been really sweet and kind wanting to cuddle her cousin.

Lets face it, I think a lot of people out there with a younger child have come across boisterous toddlers and didn’t like the behaviour they displayed towards their child. Whether that be at playgroup, a toddler class, nursery etc. I read threads most days on MN on the behaviour of other peoples children that others find unacceptable.

Take your child out OP if that’s what you’re used to doing and let your brother parent the way his and his wife want to. Just go out and do what you normally do.

There’s nothing worse than being judged as a parent…

Blackmetalmama · 22/09/2022 01:30

Also shocked at the 11month old nor eating solids. What do they feed her??

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/09/2022 01:47

I had to wait THREE KIDS to get my revenge. My lovely friend had a wanker DH and two angelic potato babies. My one, in contrast, is like a motorbike on a wall of death. He gave me 'helpful' advice constantly. And judged everything I did.

Then he had his third. That child screamed from the second she came out until she was 5. Just screamed. He admitted he had no skills and had been lucky.

Bide your time.

Marvellousmadness · 22/09/2022 03:23

I am on your side
However
"she's said more adorable, funny things over the past couple of weeks than bad"

To youthatis.. as you are the mum
You are predisposed to like all her little things. Thingsthat other people might find rather annoying haha

Just tell db to fuck off and mind his own business. You are giving him way too much space to invade. Set the guy straight. And an 11 month that isn't eating solids??!jezus

Original poster
kirstywursty012 · 22/09/2022 10:34

About the solids - she’s eaten a bowl of baby porridge since she’s been here (about 10 days). They purée everything at home themselves with one of those fancy machines. She went through a phase of refusing everything so I think DSIL couldn’t be bothered with the faff an left it there.

I’ve offered food throughout the day but they’re not sold on giving her solid food. Maybe a worry about choking?

Feel so sorry for her, DB had her on his lap at dinner last night and she was reaching for the mashed potato on his plate. DSIL said something about it being too salty for her. I’m sure a mouthful wouldn’t kill her.

She’s always been quite a lazy person - she somehow managed to milk csection recovery by spending the first 10 days in bed so my DB did everything!

Just so frustrating that they’re over here just sitting in the house. We’re not far from London and I’ve suggested walks on southbank, even a trip up to look at the flowers! Not sure why they bothered to be honest 😂

Interesting about the nutrition side of thing - DN is definitely on the smaller side. She is crawling but very content just sitting but she’s very wobbly. You’d probably think she was 6 months old if you looked at her :(

She doesn’t seem hungry though to be honest - I don’t think I’ve seen her finish a milk. Could this be something a bit more concerning?

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 22/09/2022 10:43

Maybe a worry about choking?

More likely too lazy to feed their child properly.

A few of the babies I've known plus my own DD at that age and younger, wanted to eat what older kids let alone adults were eating.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/09/2022 10:45

I also didn’t register the not eating solids. If your sil doesn’t want to feed her baby at 11 months and she’s the primary carer, it’s bordering on neglect. Your brother is also just as responsible for this situation. Can you talk to him? I would consider feeding the baby myself something soft to see if they’d accept it. Maybe the parents need a bit of guidance.

steppemum · 22/09/2022 10:47

I had a friend like this.
judgement came off them in waves.

We moved away when the wife was pregnant.
I got an email about 12 months later.
An apology!

I would go out as you are used to doing, maybe even say that dd is struggling because she is used to being active and havign fresh air, and so take her out. They can come too, or stay at home.

And becuase I am petty, I would be tempted to make comments back - gosh no solid food? That's a concern what did your paediatrician say? Do you think she might be iron deficient? Things are different here to the US aren't they, we are encourage to take kids out and about for fresh air, not sit at home. Not crawling yet? Hmm, she is a late starter.
Well I probably wouldn't, but I'd be tempted.

Crunchingleaf · 22/09/2022 10:51

Some babies are just small OP so unless there are signs of a delay in reaching milestones she is probably fine. delaying moving on from purées can become a harder transition for the baby now as they are too accustomed to the taste and texture of purée, but that isn’t your problem.
They have an awful long way to go in parenting to be able to judge anyone else. Babies are born with their own unique personalities and for most kids that will determine how much of a handful they are at different life stages. One day it will be his child acting u and he will be feeling the pressure.
Nothing will humble you more as a parent then dealing with a toddlers tantrum in public.

Ponoka7 · 22/09/2022 10:56

You're going stir crazy. If you were still in your routine things wouldn't be as bad. You'd be seeing them less and your DD wouldn't be as unsettled. There might be a few things going on, PND, anxiety and a bit of delayed development. I wouldn't be judging back. Women are supposed to bounce back after a C-section but we wouldn't expect the same of men recovering from abdominal surgery, plus birth, let alone hand them a new born on top. Why shouldn't he have cared for her and ran the house etc?

Changechangychange · 22/09/2022 11:04

I’d ignore the comments. And honestly if you haven’t left the house for a few days I’m not surprised your DD is acting up, DS would have been bouncing off the walls at that age (and still, probably).

Go out for a walk every day. Take your DD to her usual activities. Ignore the batshit PFB parents. The feeding sounds like laziness, but that isn’t your problem. If they are American they will have a paediatrician who should pick up on developmental delays.

dottiedodah · 22/09/2022 11:25

I think they seem a bit stuck in the "baby stage" TBH! Few solids ,not going out and so on .Surely at 11 months Baby will soon be walking and will need fresh air.Probably why not hungry! I would say to them Me and DD are off out.I cant see why they come to see you and stay in all day.As you say a trip to London would be great.

caringcarer · 22/09/2022 11:26

No need to keep your dd in just they want to stay in. Take her out and wear her out.

10HailMarys · 22/09/2022 11:27

Your DD sounds like any other three-year-old to me. But even if she was a nightmare, the point is that your DB and DSIL are staying in your house as guests and therefore they are in no position to be moaning to you about the behaviour of your child. If they find it stressful being around a three-year-old with their baby, they need to find somewhere else to stay - they shouldn't be asking you to change your parenting to suit them.

The not going out thing is weird. If the baby doesn't get much from an outing, that's fine, but it's not like it will actively be unpleasant for her! And given that babies that age can get excited by, say, a pigeon, a cloud or their own foot, I'm sure just a bit of fresh air and new things to look at would be nice for her. Either way, though, they shouldn't be expecting you to stay at home for their child. Take your DD out like you normally would whether they come with you or not - you must both be bored to tears by now, I'm not surprised she's having the odd tantrum!

I don't have kids so no idea whether the solid food business is inappropriate or not, but surely they don't know that she is 'not into solid food' if they don't give her any to try? Like I say, I don't have kids but I have definitely witnessed babies, say, shoving a bit of banana or a pasta shell in their mouths before spitting it out for another look at it and throwing it on the floor, and I don't think their parents took that to mean they were 'not into solid food' and just never gave them anything with a shape ever again! So I'd got the general impression that you just keep giving them lumps of stuff until they get the hang of it.

caringcarer · 22/09/2022 11:29

11 month old not being offered solids is neglectful in my book. Does the baby look healthy. My DS was walking at 9 months and had pulled himself up before 8 months. Is this baby crawling, pulling itself up or too weak from not enough nutrients?