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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at family just turning up after having baby

35 replies

Moonshine160 · 21/09/2022 20:59

I am starting to feel like since we had our second DS 9 days ago that DH’s family are treating our home like an open house.

24 hours after I gave birth the in-laws turned up unannounced just as I’d got my head down on the sofa to have a nap, tapping on the back door then on the kitchen windows until I let them in. They then stayed for over 2 hours making small talk, they only left when the midwife turned up. They live over an hour away and DH isn’t very close with them, when we had our first son they didn’t visit us for over three weeks so it took me by surprise. They didn’t even bring a card. At the weekend we went to a christening party which was only about a 5 min drive from our house - we only went for an hour due to being completely exhausted but after it had finished the in-laws turned up at our house again uninvited saying they had come to us “for the after party”.

Yesterday DH’s aunt turned up and let herself in. We were all upstairs and she was wandering around downstairs shouting hello??? We must see her once a year, if that. Then this evening at 5pm just as I was sorting out dinner DH’s very elderly grandparents turned up and they left only half an hour ago. Again, we had no idea they were coming.

Me and DH have just had a bit of an argument because I’ve told him I’m fed up with his family turning up without even a courtesy text. He said that I’m not being sociable enough?! I had a baby 9 days ago, surely it’s normal to not feel very sociable at this point. I’m surviving on next to no sleep, still trying to establish breastfeeding and feel like my nipples are about to drop off. I understand people are excited to meet baby but these are all family members that we don’t even see all that often. Even my own mum who I’m really close with would always let me know if and when she’s popping over. It’s DH’s family that keep doing this. In normal circumstances I would be more assertive and tell people to piss off but I’m that tired and emotional I wish DH would deal with it but he and his family seem to think it’s ok. We didn’t get any unexpected visitors with DS1, everyone just waited until they were invited.

AIBU to think that you should never turn up uninvited at someone’s house when they’ve just had a baby? Am I just being too hormonal and dramatic???

OP posts:
AspireMe · 21/09/2022 21:04

I think you need to go to B&Q and buy a lock for your front door.

ChickpeaFlour · 21/09/2022 21:05

I usually treat ILs exactly the way id want to be treated by DD and am close to mine but in this case I really do feel it’s unfair not to text you . So soon after a baby is very different time when you need space to recover and privacy when wanted to bond, rest, nurture your baby etc. Close family can often fit into that but only on your terms when you are ready . After my cdection this time I kept friends away for 2 weeks as I didn’t feel ready somehow , while previously I was happy to see anyone soon after as didn’t have a huge catheter etc

ChickpeaFlour · 21/09/2022 21:07

Perhaps put a polite sign on the door to say X recovering and very tired, please check won’t disturb before visiting ? No one can mind that surely

properdoughnut · 21/09/2022 21:08

Lock your door

beonmywaythen · 21/09/2022 21:08

Get your husband to tell them to text before they come over. Boundaries!!! And set them now, otherwise will be like this for years

escapingthecity · 21/09/2022 21:09

YADNBU. The U people are the ones turning up without notice. Your DH needs to man up and listen to what you want.

Coffeetree · 21/09/2022 21:12

Oh my god tapping on the window while you nap, letting themselves in for a wander. What the fuck? They're barbarians. If your husband 's going to be useless, just don't answer the fucking door. Let them tap away. The aunt who fucking wandered in needs to be told off

MeridianB · 21/09/2022 21:14

Congratulations OP. 🧸

Oh my goodness, you’re definitely entitled to some privacy and rest.

Your DH is being insensitive. If he won’t tell them to give it a rest and text or call first then you should. Let them know you will be happy to see them when you invite them over soon. And definitely lock your door! The sign/note is also a good idea but they sound way too comfortable.

Who just walks into someone’s house having not seen them for a year.

WingingIt101 · 21/09/2022 21:25

YANBU. At. All.

It's thoughtless and downright rude on their part.
The lack of action from your DH is demonstrating the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

You should be his priority, not socialising with his mum / aunt / granny when you've clearly said you aren't ready for it all.

Lock the door. Tell your husband if he lets them in he will be entertaining alone

GoldenSpiral · 21/09/2022 21:33

Oh hell no. My ILs tried randomly video calling me when my DS was a newborn and that drove me batty enough. I would not tolerate uninvited visitors!

I would send a polite but firm message. I understand that your DH should really step up and do it, but frankly he's being a bit of a prick.

Maybe something like this:

Hi ILs, I hope you're having a good day. DS is doing well and insert some sort of update - maybe weight gain or something similar. It was really lovely to catch up after the christening, perhaps you could pop by for an hour on insert date and time that suits you?

I must admit I almost forgot how tiring it is having a newborn! I'm knackered and definitely trying to rest whenever I can. It would really help me out if you could let me know if you'd like to come over ahead of time as we can make sure it's a time that suits everyone. I hope you understand. Moonshine.

Sceptre86 · 21/09/2022 22:01

Lock the bloody door for a start. Nap in your bed and ignore the door. Of course yanbu, you've just had a baby and whilst excited they shouldn't be imposing on you. This is a stickler for me as dh's family including his elderly gran do this to me every flipping time I have a baby, its caused no end of arguments. It's a shame they don't think to make you a cuppa or take your eldest out so you can rest when baby sleeps.

HailAdrian · 21/09/2022 22:04

That is ridiculous, you deserve a medal for not having a breakdown tbh.

Brigante9 · 21/09/2022 22:18

Why is your house so dangerously insecure? Get locks on!

You have a DH problem, he needs to tell his relatives to bugger off. Not being sociable when you had a baby a week ago?! Asshole. Does he not understand how painful that was? Was he not there? You need rest, not a stream of random relatives deciding their desire to see a baby is more important than having some bloody consideration?!

bellabasset · 21/09/2022 22:25

If it were my dm she would have been there to make sure the washing was done, help with the older dc, make sure there was a meal cooked etc. My MIL was a nurse so would have made sure I was getting rest.

BatshitBanshee · 21/09/2022 22:29

I'd lose my shit if my DH ever said that to me. And I'd let loose on the next uninvited guest to walk through my door. Turf DH out to ILs to tell them to bugger off till further notice and tell him to stay there if he still hasn't changed his mind. And lock your f'n doors.

StClare101 · 21/09/2022 22:37

Get a lock. Send a text to all his relatives (because he clearly won’t, dickhead) saying please text before turning up as you are exhausted and need some sleep,

LimeTwists · 21/09/2022 22:41

You need to be angrier when they turn up, imo. It’s outrageous. Who the fuck lets themselves in someone’s house without permission and goes around shouting when a new born baby and exhausted mum could be asleep?!

Caterinaballerina · 21/09/2022 22:47

Or at the very least treat them as though they are there to help you and set them to work. It’s one thing to arrive uninvited but another to then expect to be hosted when you have a 9 day old!

IWasFunBeforeMum · 21/09/2022 22:47

I think it's mad when people just let themselves into other people's homes!

Clarinet1 · 21/09/2022 22:54

Even when someone hasn’t just
had a baby, as far as I’m concerned you don’t just turn up at anyone’s home unannounced (except in some kind of rare crisis)! Never mind with a new mother and baby!

RampantIvy · 21/09/2022 22:54

Why don't you lock the door?

LetMeSpeak · 21/09/2022 23:01

If people don’t visit often they why is your door wide open for everyone to just waltz whenever they feel like it.

I do agree that they should send a little text that they are on their way over to the house. I don’t think it should be up to your DH to tell them is if it’s personally something that is bothering you. You need to put your big woman pants on and tell them yourself

Curlywurlynew · 21/09/2022 23:02

Wow! Door locked or not, who the hell invites themselves in your home! You're a better person than me staying so calm.
Half way through reading your post I was angry with them! You need to have strong words with them. That's outrageous in my opinion

SunshineLoving · 21/09/2022 23:07

My family and my DP's family can turn up whenever they like. I have never understood on here people who don't let their family see their new baby for days after the birth. It is only natural for me to want my family to be there. My friends feel the same whenever we have talked about this. Also, I feel lucky that I have family who want to see us.

Are your DH's family helping you? I can understand if they are turning up and you feel like they aren't there to support you but are wanting to be entertained.

AmeliaLila · 21/09/2022 23:10

Fuming for you. Send a group text to all family “Hi everyone thanks so much for the well wishes and cards. We are taking some time as a family to get into a routine and have some time with baby. If you need to visit please check first as we may be out or sleeping. We will text again when we are up to receiving visitors. Thanks for understanding xx”