To be annoyed at family just turning up after having baby

[Moonshine160]

I am starting to feel like since we had our second DS 9 days ago that DH’s family are treating our home like an open house.

24 hours after I gave birth the in-laws turned up unannounced just as I’d got my head down on the sofa to have a nap, tapping on the back door then on the kitchen windows until I let them in. They then stayed for over 2 hours making small talk, they only left when the midwife turned up. They live over an hour away and DH isn’t very close with them, when we had our first son they didn’t visit us for over three weeks so it took me by surprise. They didn’t even bring a card. At the weekend we went to a christening party which was only about a 5 min drive from our house - we only went for an hour due to being completely exhausted but after it had finished the in-laws turned up at our house again uninvited saying they had come to us “for the after party”.

Yesterday DH’s aunt turned up and let herself in. We were all upstairs and she was wandering around downstairs shouting hello??? We must see her once a year, if that. Then this evening at 5pm just as I was sorting out dinner DH’s very elderly grandparents turned up and they left only half an hour ago. Again, we had no idea they were coming.

Me and DH have just had a bit of an argument because I’ve told him I’m fed up with his family turning up without even a courtesy text. He said that I’m not being sociable enough?! I had a baby 9 days ago, surely it’s normal to not feel very sociable at this point. I’m surviving on next to no sleep, still trying to establish breastfeeding and feel like my nipples are about to drop off. I understand people are excited to meet baby but these are all family members that we don’t even see all that often. Even my own mum who I’m really close with would always let me know if and when she’s popping over. It’s DH’s family that keep doing this. In normal circumstances I would be more assertive and tell people to piss off but I’m that tired and emotional I wish DH would deal with it but he and his family seem to think it’s ok. We didn’t get any unexpected visitors with DS1, everyone just waited until they were invited.

AIBU to think that you should never turn up uninvited at someone’s house when they’ve just had a baby? Am I just being too hormonal and dramatic???

Also, unpopular opinion but I don't think it's outrageous that your DH's auntie let herself in. She's family. I trust my family and I'm sure she had good intentions.

Sorry you are in this situation and YANBU at all - people just showing up unannounced drives me mad!!!Had a similar issue when I had my first (when it was a lockdown!) and now dreading it with my second.
Always DHs friends and family showing up unannounced. 3 days after traumatic birth I was stood on our doorstep in December in a nightie, unwashed, hairy legs out, holding my newborn baby who was trying to breastfeed, trying to make polite small talk with people who didn't seem to get the message, and were staring at me like I should have been making more effort to look good.
I then got covid a week after birth, and people were still doing it! I ended up very upset with DH who finally messaged people asking for them to phone before showing up.
I think if he isn't going to message, you're going to have to do it. ALWAYS lock the door and the back gate if you have one - his family always went round the back gate to check if we were in.
Note on the door is also a good one - I put one up asking for nobody to ring the doorbell. X

Oh god YANBU!

Congrats on the birth of baby

Your husband is being a dick, 'not sociable enough' with a newborn. If he ever has a major medical procedure that takes 6 months to recover from then has 9 days of no sleep, make sure you tell all your distant relatives who he barely sees, to come round and gawp at him just as he is getting some rest

You need Bolts on back gate and keep the front door always locked with chain on and bolts at night. I just don't understand the idea of making it so easy for any random to wander into your home at will, I mean it blows my mind. Also, your husband is a prick with no empathy. The next uninvited and unwanted visitors, just take the baby and go upstairs and stay put until they leave, don't be guilted into "be nice".

I remember after having DS1, My FIL said we would be "inundated with visitors since I was home in 24 hours; so no reason to stay away". (For reference SIL had lots of visitors and new baby was passed around all day... She later confided she hates it(.

I'd made it clear to my husband... They can arrive.. but I'm not a performing monkey!! I don't know the sleep I will have had/ the bleeding I'll be doing or how I'll be feeling... But if FIL wants to tell family members that is unfiltered rule; I'll be sure to behave unfiltered depending on how I've slept/ felt.

My DH, knowing me and my direct nature, told his dad the same (for clarity fil, my mum and dad all saw baby at 1 day pp, due to jaundice, and a hospital re-entry), they could turn up... But wouldn't get in. My husband has never been more attractive than when it was all about us 3...

Ds2 I bled heavily... And despite my initial social tendencies, I reneged but didn't feel quite as strongly to insist they left...

There's nothing quite like soaking through your trousers and the carpet and making a mess in front of people to say... I did say it was too early for visitors...

I strolled to bed with the baby and left them flapping with the huge bloody mess on the carpet 🖕🖕🖕 mic drop!! 🤣🤣🤣

OP.... If you don't want it... Tell them to fuck off and tell your DH to start behaving like a dad and having your back... For those inclined to support the in laws... I tend to find more knowledge of the level of blood/ clots helps shape their convo 🖕🖕 x

I'm due in a few weeks and I cannot think of anything worse than unannounced guests- I barely like invited guests at the best of times lol! I've dh well warned as I also think his family (with the absolute best of intentions) would be inclined to pop over without notice and I know I'd hate that. He knows it's his job to say thanks for calling by, we'll let you know when we're ready for a proper visit. I think your DH is being unreasonable to expect you to host that much so soon after having a baby and trying to recover. I'd send a message out (or get him to) saying thanks so much everyone for the lovely well wishes etc we are going to spend some time enjoying our baby bubble and resting and we'll let you know when we're ready for visitors. That way you've let them know in a polite way that they need to be invited. Everyone but you is being unreasonable in this scenario.

I remember this with my first DC. Nobody in either of our families had any boundaries. I’d had an emergency c-section and yet had a stream of relatives turning up to see me at the hospital when I was basically unwell, incapacitated and definitely not up for polite chitchat.
Then we had a few weeks of constantly answering the door to unannounced guests and me feeling forced to pass my newborn around for cuddles when I really didn’t want to.
My DH also thought I was being really unsociable, too. But I was exhausted and struggling to establish feeding, and just didn’t fucking feel like making endless small talk over tea.

I put my foot down with DC2. No visitors at the hospital. Prearranged visits only at home (other than my Mum!). It was much calmer and I felt I recovered from the birth more quickly. DH saw the difference it made to my mood and apologise for not being supportive the first time around.

Tell your DH it’s non negotiable. It’s YOUR house. You JUST had a baby. Entirely reasonable that you need a bit of space.

Both my six and eight year olds would be perfectly behaved like that in public. My four year old is another story. Not really down to perfect parenting, I can assure you of that.

I’d be open and say oh I wasn’t expecting you I am just going upstairs to have a nap I’m afraid as I’m shattered and leave dh to deal with them, it’s more than reasonable to ask them to let you know if they are thinking of popping over!