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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for threatening to kick DH out of the family home?

33 replies

pattyf80 · 21/09/2022 20:40

Context - DH is an part-time ancillary worker at a hospital, not great salary but we're alright on money.

I threatened to kick DH out of the house after he repeatedly refused to clean up after himself, do dishes/laundry, ETC. I'm a very busy person, main provider for household, and I work in software/IT, am full-time and don't have time to pick up my three kids from school/nursery. DH says he's too busy at work/or with DIY and barely helps out around the house anymore

It's becoming extremely stressful and I lost it yesterday and told him to pack it up or he'll have to leave. I feel bad, but I'm really too stressed RN!

Need advice ASAP.

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 21/09/2022 20:42

Not remotely unreasonable. Overdue by the sound of it but don't make threats you are not prepared to carry out. Show him you are serious.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/09/2022 20:42

Did you mean it? Pointless making threats or giving ultimatums you with stick to. If you mean it then fair enough if you’ve tried talking to him before.

Do you risk him being considered the primary parent as he works pt and having to pay him maintenance?

Hankunamatata · 21/09/2022 20:44

As long as you mean it and its not an empty threat. Part time worker should pick up more of household duties

pinkyredrose · 21/09/2022 20:46

What a lazy fucker. Turf him out and get a housekeeper in his place.

Original poster
pattyf80 · 21/09/2022 20:46

I meant it @TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams @AnneLovesGilbert Gilbert . He's not providing much for the household, and hasn't stepped up and helped out. I'm extremely stressed at work and anxiety isn't making it any better, yet he's been unsympathetic and hasn't accomodated

OP posts:
kirstywursty012 · 21/09/2022 20:56

YANBU and we all say crazy things in the heat of the moment. It's however quite drastic to throw someone out for not pulling their weight so I wonder if there is an underlying issue in your relationship to feel like this.

Is there any way you can get away from the kids just the two of you for a night to remind each other that you're a team, discuss what's stressing you out and how you can better work as a unit?

Original poster
pattyf80 · 21/09/2022 20:58

Was planning on sending kids to MIL's house for a night at the weekend, so we can talk, discuss about our relationship.. We're considering to see a marriage therapist. Thank you all very much for your advice Xx

OP posts:
Merlott · 21/09/2022 21:01

Why does he work part time? The part time worker should top up their hours with chores and childcare to equal the full time partner. Then after that both partners share the load equally.

If he cba working unpaid chores and childcare then he can bloody well work FT and bring in some cash to pay a cleaner/nanny etc.

FinallyHere · 21/09/2022 21:03

It's however quite drastic to throw someone out for not pulling their weight

I accept that this is probably true but it doesn't seem in any way fair to me. Pulling one's weight in a household should be the very minimum contribution expected.

It's too easy for one partner to slack off and rely on being carried

Original poster
pattyf80 · 21/09/2022 21:05

Merlott · 21/09/2022 21:01

Why does he work part time? The part time worker should top up their hours with chores and childcare to equal the full time partner. Then after that both partners share the load equally.

If he cba working unpaid chores and childcare then he can bloody well work FT and bring in some cash to pay a cleaner/nanny etc.

Agreed. Asked him about speaking to HR about adjusting hours/contract, but he refuses as he says he won't have enough time for his DIY (making odd things out of wood and scraps 🙄). Only thing he does to help out is pick up the kids, drop them off. No cleaning or anything and he's home most of the time.

OP posts:
passport123 · 21/09/2022 21:06

Whose house is it?

Leeds2 · 21/09/2022 21:08

Is Dp your children's father? Just wondering if that is the reason he won't pick them up.

Either way, he doesn't to me sound like a keeper.

Could he increase his hours, if he wanted to?

Original poster
pattyf80 · 21/09/2022 21:09

It's mine - It was my childhood home, parents moved into retirement facility last yr. Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
pattyf80 · 21/09/2022 21:10

Yes, he is their biological father. He does pick them up, but only because he has to. He can also increase his hours as well , but has not talked about it with HR which is just infuriating 😡

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 21/09/2022 21:12

How long are you married? Is the home a marital asset?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2022 21:13

You don't need him for anything, he doesn't add anything positive to your life, and you've outgrown him. Don't bother wasting money on therapy. If he gave a fuck and respected you, you wouldn't be in this position. Get a divorce.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 21/09/2022 21:13

pattyf80 · 21/09/2022 21:09

It's mine - It was my childhood home, parents moved into retirement facility last yr. Xx

Is it in your name? i.e a marital asset or still in your parents names pending an inheritance?

Original poster
pattyf80 · 21/09/2022 21:13

We've been married for 5 years now, however I have known DP for 20+ years, from my senior school. It is not a marital asset, he does not own it in any way Xx

OP posts:
escapingthecity · 21/09/2022 21:16

Show him this: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sinkbb_9055288

Original poster
pattyf80 · 21/09/2022 21:19

He was the perfect guy, caring and handsome and I'm struggling with this decision. He's been a major part of my life for many years now, it's only in recent months he has been like this. I'll show him that article and I hope he changes for the better Xx

OP posts:
Seraphinesupport · 21/09/2022 21:20

By yours I hope you mean in your parents name as if it's in your name then he's entitled to the house as well as he's your husband.

Original poster
pattyf80 · 21/09/2022 21:21

It's in my parents name, sorry for confusion Xx

OP posts:
KosherDill · 21/09/2022 21:30

When you're on your deathbed do you want to look back at this as your life?

I'd get rid and move on.

bringbackveronicamars · 21/09/2022 21:34

He's not pulling his weight on purpose by the sound of it. I'd send him to his MIL's, not the children, and tell him you are going to have a long think about whether or not you're even willing to give him another chance as he's shown he doesn't care about dumping it all on you.

Always4Brenner · 21/09/2022 21:39

Another one doesn’t do his share but I expect wants sex on tap then sulks if doesn’t get it. If things don’t improve get rid. Life’s too short and I’m realising this.