AIBU for threatening to kick DH out of the family home?

[pattyf80]

Context - DH is an part-time ancillary worker at a hospital, not great salary but we're alright on money.

I threatened to kick DH out of the house after he repeatedly refused to clean up after himself, do dishes/laundry, ETC. I'm a very busy person, main provider for household, and I work in software/IT, am full-time and don't have time to pick up my three kids from school/nursery. DH says he's too busy at work/or with DIY and barely helps out around the house anymore

It's becoming extremely stressful and I lost it yesterday and told him to pack it up or he'll have to leave. I feel bad, but I'm really too stressed RN!

Need advice ASAP.

You aren’t his servant. If he won’t do his share of the household labor, then he shouldn’t live in the household.

If you would follow through on the threat then let him know he has a choice to make.

1. Contribute fully to the family and household by doing either going full time and doing 50% of the chores and childcare.
2. Stay part time but do 70% of the household tasks and childcare.
3. Move out and do 100% of the household chores, cooking, shopping and cleaning etc in a place of his own.

His so called diy doesn't count unless you both agree something needs doing for the good of the family. Otherwise it a hobby. Point out you won't be any worse off in terms of stress and managing daily essentials running a home whichever he chooses. But he might like to weigh up if he wants to break up his family and take on more drudge work looking after himself rather than taking responsibility and pulling his weight in the home he currently has.

If he argues against doing 1 or 2 he doesn't respect you and is just a leech.

I agree. It isn't drastic at all to get to this stage when you've skivvied for some years as well as contributed most of the money. The alternative is you stop complaining, put up with it, grow to resent and hate him, and divorce anyway or cohabit in misery. Who the fuck does he think he is?

Thanks all for your advice. I'm going to sit down with him Sat whilst kids are at MIL and discuss it. If he doesn't get his act together, unfortunately we may have to talk about divorce/separation

This is going to sound dreadfully callous but if you think the relationship is over and your parents are in their twilight years it is in your interests to resolve the situation before they pass away.
If it's not, then a good solicitor will suggest ways to protect the asset for you or your children in the event of a divorce.

@pattyf80 Did you ever have your chat? How did it go?

@OP: I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this.
So many questions... What was DH's reaction to your ultimatum? Does he at least acknowledge you are bearing a disproportionate burden as both breadwinner and caretaker and he's unwilling to do anything about it? Or is he completely defensive and in denial? If you say he's only been like this the last few months, is he under some new stress or why has he suddenly changed? I would hope he's not the kind of person who waited until marriage to show his true colors. I want to believe it's not likely someone could have hidden that for 20 years... but I suppose stranger things have happened. His reaction to the conversation you have with him will be important. Please keep us posted. I hope things work out for you.

It's however quite drastic to throw someone out for not pulling their weight so I wonder if there is an underlying issue in your relationship to feel like this.

I don't think its drastic. Lack of cooperation and participation on the domestic front really eats away and creates resentment over time. Particularly if the breadwinner is also doing all the heavy lifting at home. If this is a chronic, established thing its a totally reasonable reason to end a relationship.

I would give him a chance to turn it around before you physically evict him but if he doesn't radically pull his finger out you know what to do.