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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feel second best with new man/relationship

48 replies

cheesychips21 · 21/09/2022 20:07

I'm more than happy to be told that I'm being unreasonable and need to grow up, so here goes..

New man - we've been dating for the last 4 months. We both work full time, no kids, but live over an hour away from each other so we mostly see each other on the weekends. I'm quite happy with this set up as I'm busy during the week with work, gym, seeing family/friends and I think he feels the same way.

My issue is that he always makes plans on a Saturday, usually to go out on the piss. I have no issue with him seeing his mates and enjoying himself (as do I during the week) but it's been a reoccurring thing and only leaves us with a Sunday to see each other. He's normally hungover in the morning too which means he doesn't actually drive over to my house until late afternoon so it's always too late for us to do anything together other than watch a film and order a takeaway (can't stay up late either as I'm up early Monday morning for work. Not so bad for him as he doesn't start work until 1pm). Apart from the odd walk here and there, we haven't actually been on a "proper" date yet.

For example, he hasn't made any plans this weekend and just said it was in the pipeline but nothing had been confirmed yet. He said his friends are useless and it's always last minute so he'll let me know when he finds out. Luckily I don't have any other plans so can be flexible, but it's made me wonder why isn't he jumping at the chance to see me?. I'm not a clingy person by any means, I have a life of my own (single for 5 years before I met him) and I certainly don't want a relationship where we're joined at the hip but it's making me feel second best.

I don't drink (both parents alcoholics and abusive) and would rather spend my time and money on other things. I told him this when we first met to which he said he was the same and couldn't be arsed going out every weekend anymore and only did it because he was single and bored. I don't think that's true. He's not a horrible person by any means - we just obviously want different things and it would have saved us more time if he'd been honest from the start. On the other hand I shouldn't have let it go on for as long as I have.

AIBU?

OP posts:

ClocksGoingBackwards · 21/09/2022 20:09

YWBU to stay in the relationship when it clearly isn’t giving you what you want. You won’t change him, it is what it is.

GeorgiaGK · 21/09/2022 20:11

I would speak to him about it as there's no chance he will change if he doesn't know. Could he come round on a Friday night until early Saturday evening so you have longer together? X

mamabear715 · 21/09/2022 20:11

He's giving NOTHING of himself, is he? :-(

Thepeopleversuswork · 21/09/2022 20:11

Life’s too short for this. He doesn’t care enough to prioritise you over his friends and you’re supposed to be in the honeymoon period. It won’t improve.

Nip it in the bud and find someone who wants to spend time with you.

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 21/09/2022 20:12

You've only been dating 4 months and he's already treating you as an afterthought, so I'd honestly recommend you kick this little charmer to the kerb!

hobbledyhoy · 21/09/2022 20:17

I'd throw this one back.

It sounds like all he wants to do is drink every weekend and have you running about to see him when it suits his calendar.

He's not making ANY effort at all and treating you disrespectfully by being hungover every time you get together. That's pretty poor, you deserve better.

mycatisannoying · 21/09/2022 20:37

You sound great OP, and deserve better.

Yucca78 · 21/09/2022 20:39

It won't get better......you deserve more

toogoodforthisworld · 21/09/2022 20:55

Give him one last chance?
Mention you've realized the only night you can get together is Saturday for a date so can he plan every other Saturday for a date with you? That gives him every Friday and every other Saturday to get pissed with his mates.
If he says no. You get rid. End of.
You know you're not being unreasonable xx

Treacletoots · 21/09/2022 20:59

You're simply not a priority to him OP. Never make someone your priority when you're just an option to them.

I've dated plenty of these. They don't get to see a next time if they're not impeccably behaved for at least the first 2 years. *not joking

misskatamari · 21/09/2022 20:59

Ugh no, bin him off! Who gives a shit what his friends plans are - he's a grown adult and can make plans of his own, with his girlfriend ffs! Wtaf? He sounds so immature and this doesn't sound like a relationship that is worth your time!

DottyLittleRainbow · 21/09/2022 21:01

Throw him back! This sort of thing is never a good sign in the early stages of a relationship.

Kitkatcatflap · 21/09/2022 21:03

An hour away, is not that far. People in cities commute more than that twice a day.

First thought that he is not that into you - he can't prioritise you over a drinking session just once? You know it's not good.

Why did his previous relationships end?

cadburyegg · 21/09/2022 21:06

My first boyfriend was like this and because I had no relationship experience I didn't think much of it. Every Saturday night he had to be with his mates, even if I had a birthday it would be lower on his priority list! He used to say that he didn't want to make plans with me because he didn't want a girl to come before his mates and his mates often made plans last minute.

It was only after the relationship ended I realise how ridiculous it was.

Username112233 · 21/09/2022 21:10

Honestly, it won't improve. My husband did this, and it's been the straw that broke the camels back after being together 17 years. Never prioritised anything apart from pub on a Saturday night, even when our son came along. I should've nipped it in the bud years ago. Please don't think you can change him.

Butterfly44 · 21/09/2022 21:12

He sees you on his terms then. Every plan is to suit him.
This isn't dating. And isn't making you happy. Move on

GiantTortoise · 21/09/2022 21:24

I think you need to be a bit more assertive about what you want from this relationship. It sounds as if you just hang around waiting to hear when he can or can't see you? Why not suggest something specific for next Saturday - booking a restaurant or cinema tickets or whatever - and make him say yes or no? Then you'll find out where the land lies.

It does seem like you're second best at the moment. But also that you're letting him treat you that way?

FinallyHere · 21/09/2022 21:25

Luckily I don't have any other plans so can be flexible

I'm not saying you should be playing games, but it really doesn't sound good to me that you are prepared to make do with the time that his friends don't want. Why are they getting priority over you for his company?

Throw this one back.

Find someone who prioritises his time with you. Who actively seeks out your company, who wants to spend time with you.

ToFindNewWays · 21/09/2022 21:25

So he acknowledged that you were available on Saturday but he was waiting for a better off with his friends?

Fuck that. He doesn’t really care OP and he isn’t fussed about seeing you.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2022 21:27

He's normally hungover in the morning too

HUGE RED FLAG.

You must really love wasting your time. He really isn't that interested, and he sounds like a teenager.

SpaceOP · 21/09/2022 21:33

You are not dating this man. I am not even sure I would consider this a fwb situation. You are basically his Sunday shag. Always at your house i see? So also his Sunday meal provider.

At best, he's using you for sex and maybe food (does he live in a shit hole, with his parents or in a house share?). At worst, he has a girlfriend or wife and you are his side piece.

Throw him back.

Coyoacan · 21/09/2022 21:34

No, OP, you are worth much more than this. If you don't drink, why are you in a relationship with someone who loves alcohol more than you?

felulageller · 21/09/2022 21:40

I really really wish I had MN when I met dp.

Our relationship was like this. We met up once a week as both were busy the rest of the time.

I didn't have many friends at the time to ask relationship advice of. I'd been single for years so thought it was fine.

Now I realise he was 'just not that into me'.

I've wasted my life because I didn't spot the signs before I was tied down.

Don't make the same mistake. You're just a fuck buddy to him. A snack to tide him over til he's ready for dinner...

FairyLightAddict · 21/09/2022 21:41

This is not a relationship.

Pumpkinsnearlyready · 21/09/2022 21:43

Not compatible

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