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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel second best with new man/relationship

48 replies

cheesychips21 · 21/09/2022 20:07

I'm more than happy to be told that I'm being unreasonable and need to grow up, so here goes..

New man - we've been dating for the last 4 months. We both work full time, no kids, but live over an hour away from each other so we mostly see each other on the weekends. I'm quite happy with this set up as I'm busy during the week with work, gym, seeing family/friends and I think he feels the same way.

My issue is that he always makes plans on a Saturday, usually to go out on the piss. I have no issue with him seeing his mates and enjoying himself (as do I during the week) but it's been a reoccurring thing and only leaves us with a Sunday to see each other. He's normally hungover in the morning too which means he doesn't actually drive over to my house until late afternoon so it's always too late for us to do anything together other than watch a film and order a takeaway (can't stay up late either as I'm up early Monday morning for work. Not so bad for him as he doesn't start work until 1pm). Apart from the odd walk here and there, we haven't actually been on a "proper" date yet.

For example, he hasn't made any plans this weekend and just said it was in the pipeline but nothing had been confirmed yet. He said his friends are useless and it's always last minute so he'll let me know when he finds out. Luckily I don't have any other plans so can be flexible, but it's made me wonder why isn't he jumping at the chance to see me?. I'm not a clingy person by any means, I have a life of my own (single for 5 years before I met him) and I certainly don't want a relationship where we're joined at the hip but it's making me feel second best.

I don't drink (both parents alcoholics and abusive) and would rather spend my time and money on other things. I told him this when we first met to which he said he was the same and couldn't be arsed going out every weekend anymore and only did it because he was single and bored. I don't think that's true. He's not a horrible person by any means - we just obviously want different things and it would have saved us more time if he'd been honest from the start. On the other hand I shouldn't have let it go on for as long as I have.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 21/09/2022 21:47

Get rid. 4 months in typically looks a lot different to this.

Dacadactyl · 21/09/2022 21:51

Sorry to hear this OP, but you feel second best, because you are second best.

If a man truly wants you, he'd walk over broken glass for you.

Pansypotter123 · 21/09/2022 21:53

@felulageller, why are you tied down?

Dotcheck · 21/09/2022 21:58

OP
Nope, nope nope.

I had this as well once ( he would never make plans with me because he ‘ wanted to see what the weekend brought’).
I realised 1) it was a control tactic 2) I deserve to be with someone who thinks I’m worth making plans with.

Don’t waste any more time on this guy, and I wouldn’t bother talking to him about it either

Glitterbaba · 21/09/2022 22:02

I’m so sorry but to me this is

Seeing someone for takeaway and sex on Sunday. Plus this bloke is hungover!
He is taking the piss!!!

This isn’t dating or a relationship.

Take a step back . Do you really think this is what you deserve.

In the first 6 months he should be treating you like a queen !!!! Then the next 18 months he should be dazzling you !!!!!!

Set your standards . It took me ages but I got there.

your posts is filled with Red flags !!!!!

Plenty more fish in the sea xxx

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 21/09/2022 22:09

I agree, it really isn't a relationship. Who the hell wants some smelly half drunk man there on a Sunday, when he spent Saturday night with his real mates?

EfficientDynamics · 21/09/2022 22:12

You're quite low down on his list of priorities

I'd bin him

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/09/2022 22:17

Nope. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Dobt even bring it up. Let him crack on with his mates in a Saturday but then have plans with your mates on a Sunday or just fe unavailable and see how long it takes him to get the message.

You are letting him treat you like a mug after 4 months? Nope. Get your boundaries sorted out.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/09/2022 22:18

Sorry for typos, can’t find reading glasses!

Gymnopedie · 21/09/2022 22:34

He said his friends are useless and it's always last minute so he'll let me know when he finds out.

OP this sentence that you wrote ^^ tells you all you need to know about where you are in his list of priorities.

You haven't been 'dating'. He's been coming round to yours - because he hasn't had a better offer for Sunday. And you think it's fine because you can be flexible. Tell him to do one. He's not ready for any sort of adult relationship so don't knock yourself out.

You talk the talk about not minding being single, now's the time to walk the walk. What's that saying? Something about not making someone a priority when to them you're just an option...

Itloggedmeoutagain · 21/09/2022 22:37

Eugh!
Get rid

catandcoffee · 21/09/2022 22:38

So when he can spare you a few hours of his precious time....is it presumptuous to assume sex happens.

LimeTwists · 21/09/2022 22:39

It certainly won’t get better - this is the honeymoon period! Throw him back, OP.

mscampbell · 21/09/2022 22:50

Another who wouldn't consider this a relationship, just a once a week bunk-up.

I'm sort of surprised you don't already realise this, have you ever been in a relationship before?

You might consider that your parents have led you to expect very little from people due to their issues. This can be very dangerous in romantic relationships because it usually means you get walked all over and you don't even realise.

nilpois · 21/09/2022 22:51

It's disappointing I'm sure, but his lack of effort speaks volumes......I think you should move on, this doesn't sound like a potential relationship (not a good one anyway)

GreenManalishi · 21/09/2022 22:54

You're getting the dregs. It's a hungover shag and a takeaway on a Sunday evening when he can bothered to drag his sorry arse over to you. You are a convenient filler for that awkward bit of that week where there's not much else going on.

Bin him off and find someone who spending time with excites you, and who leaves you in no doubt how important you are to them.

RampantIvy · 21/09/2022 22:59

He's married.

LifeSucksBigTime · 21/09/2022 23:02

You’re just a convenient shag for his Sunday hangover horn.

Bin him off.

Bornslippery · 21/09/2022 23:03

Get rid. If it is like this after 4 months (the best bit), it will only get worse. I like a drink but this sounds like you are way down his list of priorities

MyStarBoy · 21/09/2022 23:05

You're not a priority and this is supposed to be the honeymoon period!!

You shouldn't have to discuss it/teach him how to behave. He's either an idiot or an arsehole or probably both.

End it and don't look back.

Summerhillsquare · 22/09/2022 07:03

You're a fuckbuddy OP. I had a casual relationship and even that was more committed than this.

Dacquoise · 22/09/2022 07:47

He's fitting you in around his drinking which is worrying considering your upbringing. Is that the attraction here? Are you used to being de-prioritised for someone else's habits? There's not much to be grateful for here. You deserve better.

Someone that is into you wants to spend as much time as possible with you doing interesting things to get to know you. That's what you should be aiming for rather than rationalizing someone's disinterest and exploitation of you. If he's like this at four months what's he going to be like at four years?

SquirrelSoShiny · 22/09/2022 07:52

End this yesterday. A Sunday booty call is not what you want.

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