To be utterly exhausted by my BPD

[InvisibleDisability]

This is going to sound really self-centred and horrendous (I know ppl already think I’m crazy so please don’t make further digs at me here) but I’m so unbelievably exhausted by my BPD at the mo. I cycle through every single emotion there is each day and I can’t get it under control. I’ve been started on mood stabilisers and I think they might be having an effect but it’s hard to tell.

im worried I’m messing my kids up (they’re 4.5 yrs old and 7 months old) and that my husband is just gonna leave me and take the kids with him (there’s no sign he’ll do this but it’s just my fear)

I don’t know what the point of my post is other than to offload somewhere. Thank you for reading.

I have nothing useful to say, just that I am here and I read your post and I feel for you.

Give the new meds a chance.
Try and have faith in the fact your DH is showing no sign of leaving.

Hiya.
Didn't want to read and run.
I'm 43 and was diagnosed with BPD when I was 27-ish.
I'm A LOT calmer and far less self-destructive than I used to be after YEARS of therapy and continuous work on myself, but the maelstrom of emotions/moods that I cycle through each and every day is absolutely fucking exhausting.
I feel like I am walking on eggshells with myself and I, too, worry that I'll fuck up my DC (twins, aged 4.5). Got no partner/husband to ease the burden. 😬
I don't have anything helpful to say (sorry, it's been a long day), but did want to say that I do relate to your post.
💚

OP what a difficult time for you. Good luck with the meds. Keep asking for help

How long have you been on the meds. Might I ask what you are taking? Is this your first medication?

BPD is incredibly exhausting. I really feel for you.

Are you getting therapy?

Your anxiety sounds really difficult too, have you been able to think about getting help for that?

You're basically given most of the whole gamut of mental health conditions in BPD. But....although no 'cure' there is definitely a way to live a better life and just get some peace, I promise.

Just talk through your feelings on here if you can, it might help to get them down

💐

Thank you everyone, I do really appreciate your words.

I’m on Lamotrigine 100mg daily (and 150mg Sertraline) and yes I do have therapy, I’ve been paying for weekly private psychotherapy for 5 years. I did have twice weekly sessions for a while and to be fair she has really made me aware of my hidden anger problems that I internalise and that’s what fuels my depression (although everyone with BPD knows that isn’t constant). In terms of my manic times, she tries to get me to identify “being myself” to avoid putting on this manic “mask” but I don’t even know what I am let alone how to “be myself”.

Oh and the ultimate WTF… “make sure you’re looking after yourself” WTF does that even mean??!

When people say BPD on mumsnet do they mean Bi-polar disorder or borderline personality disorder?
Thanks

No real advice but looking after yourself I'm guessing practically - good sleep hygiene, getting enough sleep, eating well, drinking water, daily exercise, perhaps meditation or mindfulness. Basically finding time in the day for you

That's what I was wondering, I assumed borderline PD but then the OPs most recent post made me wonder if it's bi polar disorder?

Ah by BPD I mean borderline personality disorder

In terms of my manic times, she tries to get me to identify “being myself” to avoid putting on this manic “mask” but I don’t even know what I am let alone how to “be myself”.

Maybe right now being yourself is being manic - that’s okay. Love that part of yourself and reassure yourself it’s okay to be that way. Maybe longer term you feel there’s something that’s more ‘you’ to discover or a ‘you’ you’re more comfortable being, but that will come in time. In this moment just let yourself be whatever it is you feel.

Oh and the ultimate WTF… “make sure you’re looking after yourself” WTF does that even mean??!

partly as above - love every part of yourself, every mask and feeling and thought that manifests. Also physically - make sure you’re taking your meds, getting enough sleep, eating reasonably healthy, exercise if you can - it all helps.

Sorry it’s tough right now

I get what you all mean about eating well and exercise but the latter is just impossible. I have chronic fatigue too so I get into this vicious cycle of no exercise, worse fatigue, no energy to do exercise etc etc. and then I eat crap food (chocolate, sweets etc) to give me that sugar rush / emotional eating

have you tried any of the actual evidence based therapies for EUPD? DBT, CAT or schema?

i don’t think generic counselling/psychotherapy often cuts the mustard for EUPD in my experience.

Ah ok - I know about bipolar but not borderline PD.
I hope you get some respite from it soon and can get some rest. Both conditions are exhausting!

Look up Alex Howard on healing chronic fatigue

I have CPTSD and there is a lot of commonality there.

It is exhausting. Can I ask about the origin of your anger? Is it particularly directed in any one direction? If it isn’t should it be? Have you dealt with the source of your anger?

I deal with my anger (origin in abuse) with a compassion mindset. That sounds naff I absolutely know but it genuinely mostly works and though there are times I cannot get there and the anger is there but when I’m managing it I genuinely feel better. Basically to kind of explain how it works is when difficult emotions come up I feel for want of a better word pity and sorry and sad for myself for having to go through this and sorry for the people who have made such bad choices to put me through it.

That state of compassion isn’t just an emotion it is a mental state so by directing my mind towards it it overrides the other emotions. It takes, tonnes and tonnes of practice because my body is used to the other emotions kind of like being addicted and it wants the familiarity and it wants to constantly get me to go back to cycling through so for me tonnes of practice at compassion is what has helped more than anything else.

My heart breaks for you, it really does.

I echo pp who suggested DBT. You really are entitled to help on the NHS, maybe you could look into that as a backup?

My experience (not personal) is the Lamotrogine is a godsend but the anxiety needs to be managed too - does the sertraline help? Or does it make you numb?

You must have huge lethargy, on top of your chronic fatigue. It's a horrible cycle and it's so hard to break.

The rollercoaster of emotions hour to hour is exhausting, as it the mask wearing.

A key for us was to simplify, strip back. Take the pressure off.

I know that's hard with kids, but the less you have to think about (going places, making big plans).

And take real pride in any achievement, just getting up, getting ready and eating breakfast (any of those things) is a win. Don't be hard on yourself. You have an illness, you are not in control of it.

I know it's really, really hard not to grab the quick rushes but try to swap one or 2. Maybe dark chocolate for milk. Toast instead of crisps? It's not easy but I know it all helps.

Keep talking on here, you are NOT alone and you are important.

No I haven’t actually, just standard psychotherapy for years

Thanks very much. Basically they’re very similar but while in bipolar the mood swings (whether mania or depression) last weeks or months, in BPD they last just hours so you can swing between mania and depression multiple times a day.

Ah yes I’ve heard about him and his optimum health clinic, I know someone who paid to go on the course. I’m not sure I’ve got enough mental space as it were to process all the instructions from the course etc

Take care of yourself. The only important thing at the moment is rest and recuperation. 🌺

Thank you so much for sharing. The compassion mindset is really one I need to use too as my anger is definitely rooted in past abuse (neglect and emotional abuse despite materially very comfortable) and things like I get really jealous (that sounds awful I know) of people who I know have an amazing support from their parents growing up, particularly my husband. I just wish I had that. I don’t understand why I was treated so badly (and that they’d never admit to because in their eyes I had perfect upbringing with private school, big house etc) with the very basics of personal hygiene neglected etc. it’s really hard not to feel like it’s all my fault.

Thank you @helpyhelperton , I really appreciate the support.

re your question about the sertraline, I honestly don’t know if it makes me feel numb as I’ve been on antidepressants (all SSRIs basically) for 15 years so I can’t really remember how I was before that.

lethargy wise, yes most definitely. Just to complicate matters I also have quite severe sinus problems which mean I can’t breathe through my nose AT ALL. I’ve had multiple surgeries on my sinuses to try open them up (I have asthma, hayfever, eczema, plus with a couple of autoimmune conditions my body just doesn’t work properly) but polyps keep returning so now I’m resigned to the fact my nose and sinuses are permanently blocked. So obv I’m mouth breathing only which must mean I don’t sleep properly (I guess?) and / or there’s less oxygen getting to my brain, I have no idea!

i like the sound of simplifying / stripping back as life just feels like one constant rollercoaster. What does simplifying one’s life actually look like??!

I'm totally exhausted too and heading for a big fall so I totally understand. I read something years ago which I try to use. Relax your shoulders and unclench your bum. It really works, even for a short while to bring me back to earth.

Oh bless you I’m so sorry you’re in that position. Hope your fall isn’t too bad this time round. I know those falls / crashes can be horrendous.