To be utterly exhausted by my BPD

[InvisibleDisability]

This is going to sound really self-centred and horrendous (I know ppl already think I’m crazy so please don’t make further digs at me here) but I’m so unbelievably exhausted by my BPD at the mo. I cycle through every single emotion there is each day and I can’t get it under control. I’ve been started on mood stabilisers and I think they might be having an effect but it’s hard to tell.

im worried I’m messing my kids up (they’re 4.5 yrs old and 7 months old) and that my husband is just gonna leave me and take the kids with him (there’s no sign he’ll do this but it’s just my fear)

I don’t know what the point of my post is other than to offload somewhere. Thank you for reading.

They’re all inflammatory things - asthma etc. Have you heard of Gabor Maté’s work on how stress and childhood trauma can cause these illnesses? Nicole Sachs’ work (‘journalspeak’) is easy to digest, similar to Alex Howard too.

I’m not sure I’ve got enough mental space as it were to process all the instructions from the course etc

I think this is a totally valid worry, and believe me I know how utterly exhausting therapy etc can be! But also it’s a bit like saying you’re too tired to get off the sofa and go to bed - even when bed is exactly what you need when you’re tired. I’m not saying this exact course is the one for you, but that making yourself your absolutely first priority is essential.

Are there things you can cut back on in life to make the time and headspace to focus on yourself and getting well? For example, taking kids to extra curricular clubs. Having friends over to visit. Taking on things at work that aren’t in your job description. Listening to people who want to vent. Giving energy to people who don’t support you in return. Going to family gatherings or parties you don’t want to go to. Etc. Literally strip your life back to absolute basics for a while.

I think Lamotrigine does take a few weeks to kick in but I've heard it's very good, much better than the older meds so do stick with it.

There's a long running thread somewhere on MN, I think it's called 'But we took you to stately homes!' and it's for those who have parents like yours. I'll try and find it for you now, it could be worth reading...

The sinus problems are awful. On top of your other ailments.

Physical health problems are so impactful on your mental health.

I think you need to push your gp for a solution for your sinuses - I know it's so hard to push when you're feeling so done with it all.

I really hope you can get on top on some of the physical problems it will obviously be be so helpful to your mental health.

In terms of simplifying, we don't make big plans. We don't organise too far ahead and we work out if we all need to go to stuff. If there's a family event we make sure that if they can't manage it or don't want to, that they know it's ok to opt out.

All family and friends know that they need calm and quiet (and not too much fuss or focus).

If they don't want to do anything, there is no requirement. We take the pressure off.

We have basically turned normal family life on its head and don't just do things 'because it's what normal people do'.

We're guided by them and, I feel, it's improved matters hugely.

I do like to get them out for fresh air as much as I can - I think it's very therapeutic but if they can't manage actually going outside, they compromise by standing in the garden for 10 minutes.

All that AND lamotrigine. I believe it has saved their life.

Do you still feel anxious on sertraline?

DBT is accessible via books too. Basic principles are acceptance and compromise.

I'm sorry for your childhood, when you have your own kids you just cannot understand how your parents could have behaved that way.

Can i just say, it cannot have been your fault in any way, they were just not capable of being any different. The people who love you now chose you and love you for you. It is all YOUR PARENTS fault and nothing to do with you as a person. It can't have been.

If you can learn to undo the way they made you feel (and still do, are they in your life now?), it will help you.

Keep posting.

I like the idea of stripping life back to basics and cutting stuff down. We’ve got building works happening at the mo so can’t live at home and we have 2 young children so life is a bit crazy and it’s hard to chill out but I’m going to try my very best.

Ah yes I’ve heard of that stately homes thread and the title of it never clicked to me til I realised oh yes, I was dragged round every museum and stately home there was!

Thank you.

unfort my sinus problem can only be solved via surgery. I’m on a routine waiting list for just seeing an ENT surgeon (my last surgery was private so I was no longer under NHS team) so am gonna have to wait at least a year I guess.

Thank you for your words about my parents. Yes they’re very much still in my life. They’ve been divorced for many years. My dad has only met my son once. He’s 8 months old. That hurts the most. I don’t care (well I do but you know what I mean) if a parent shows no interest in me but when it’s my children they couldn’t care less about, that really bloody hurts. And with my mum, she lives a ridiculously busy, hectic life and her house is very much symbolic of that, a total hoarders paradise. That hurts too because when I take my children there and we stay over, it’s like we’re just not welcome because she herself hasn’t got the mental space to even talk to us. And that hurts too.

basically I keep getting hurt because I’m putting myself in situations that I just hope, pray, might be just that little bit different that time round but they never are and I end up walking away hurt. Again. It’s really hard not to see that as my fault cos surely I’m the lowest common denominator here?

It's shit, I can't describe it any other way. Parents are so disappointing.

It's that THEY are not good enough, not you. They are selfish, pure and simple, some people are just like that.

I am not and not are you and it's so baffling and upsetting when you know you'd put your children before anything.

Young children adore you and as they grow, they distance themselves from you and maybe, just maybe, your parents were better when you were little? I don't know. All I know is it bloody hurts.

Have you considered going nc? I know it's a tough one. I have gone LC (low contact) with mine and it has helped.

The never ending cycle of disappointment and not feeling worthy is too much.

basically I keep getting hurt because I’m putting myself in situations that I just hope, pray, might be just that little bit different that time round but they never are and I end up walking away hurt. Again. It’s really hard not to see that as my fault cos surely I’m the lowest common denominator here?

It’s easy to form that belief as a child but it’s not true. It’s inconceivable to a child that their adults aren’t strong and capable and right. To admit it and recognise it and challenge the parent could leave the child physically unprotected, which equals death. So they have a choice - either they see the parent for what they are and they die, or they make up a belief that it’s them who are the bad ones and survive. Children always choose attachment with adults over their own emotional authenticity because it ensures their survival.

So its a belief that gets formed in childhood and goes unchallenged into adulthood. But as an adult, you have the power to understand this and notice the thought process and set back from it and make different choices.

It’s confirmation bias too - we gravitate to and notice what’s familiar. Maybe there are some nice people in your life but maybe they just don’t take up so much headspace because your relationship with them is less complicated, so you focus on the more complicated relationships? Maybe you don’t feel you’re worthy of being friends with nicer people so you don’t reach out to them? When you become familiar with these thoughts patterns and the reasons for them you can begin to catch yourself thinking them earlier, and can then begin to choose not to go down that spiral and make different choices with people.