... to think that a vacuum cleaner should, you know, vacuum up stuff?

[ifIwerenotanandroid]

OK. So I'm a housework slut, as evidenced today by the way I didn't know how to get the flex out of the (5+ year old) vacuum cleaner: had to google the maker's instructions as I have no idea where DH put our copy. He does what vacuuming gets done, which is why once it was plugged in & switched on I had to search the house for the stiff hosey bit with a brush on it that slots on the end of the bendy hose.

What sort of sick !"£$%^&* stores the brushy bit in one place & the main body in another room entirely? What's THAT about?

Anyway. Once it was assembled I set to - & found that the vc just moves stuff around; so now I have a neat pile of scrumpled hair in one place, craft detritus (miniscule pompoms, I think) in another, etc. WTF is going on? I checked the instructions & they don't seem to cover this. No lights on the vc are flickering, so I guess the bag isn't full - that's how the old one used to speak to us. I extracted a long lump of hair & fluff from the hole in the brushy bit, but still no luck.

See, this is why I don't do hoovering. It's so bloody dispiriting. It never comes up to my expectations. Polishing furniture, dusting ornaments, cleaning windows, even cleaning toilets: fine. Lovely to see them sparkle. Vacuum cleaners are the work of the devil.

He's changed the bag & doesn't know why the light didn't come on.

...

He also doesn't understand why the flex wouldn't come out or what the maker's instructions meant about making sure button #9 is in the correct position in order for the flex to emerge. It's a mystery.

Apparently you can turn button #9 to increase the suction so I did. I tested the suction & it sucked my fingers into itself. Then I set to at the carpet once again, & the vc rolled hair into a little bundle, as before. I went over it again. It remained on the carpet. I did it a dozen times & still the hair remained in view.

DH came over, took the tubey thing off me, removed it from the vc & suctioned up the hair with the bendy tube, telling me he always has to do that. So it's official. Vc's are shXt.

Are you sure you’re not using a leaf blower?

My vacuum is held together with duct tape in 3 places, and they don’t make bags for it anymore so I have to McGyver them. I’ve tried three times to replace it but modern vacuums just move and deposit piles of dirt. It’s completely mystifying to me.

I’m growing fond of my useless eufy which seems to be stuck on a drunken sailor setting. It’s good company even if it doesn’t actually clean very well.

OMG you're absolutely right! As a big fan of Bovington Tank Museum, I've been around a few & should've noticed the family resemblance. 😂

I have nothing to add, I just wanted to thank you for such an entertaining read!

Vacuums and I have historically not got on. My Miele vacuum is my best mate.

Thank you, dear! Posting on AIBU, I thought I'd get eaten alive, but you've all been lovely & very helpful.

💐for all

Have you got a blockage inside the vacuum or in the pipes? Check t he filters as well they may need washing or replacing.

What I don’t recommend is jamming a radiator dust brush down the hoover tube and then trying to set fire to it when it wouldn’t come out. Dh intervened when I asked him to siphon some petrol from the car to use as lighter fluid.

I see you took my class in how to fix just about anything....permanently...

@Bearsporridge LOL! I'll try using it as a leaf blower in the autumn.🍃🍂🍁

The man has finished vacuuming, had a quick whinge about the hose & the flex getting in each other's way, & is now making dinner.

I think I'll keep him.😍😂

Why, just why, did you want to set fire to it? There are so many other dangerous & stupid things you could've done to try & free the brush.

DH says thank goodness he wasn't held up in traffic, so he got home before I set fire to the vc.🔥Bless him, he knows how frustrated I get with inanimate objects.

some can both blow and do suction have a look in the manual to see if yours is one. If so then you have likely pressed a button that makes it reverse and just have to press it again.

Another one who loves her miele. (if I can't have a Nilfisk in the UK)

So what's the best Miele for carpets & rugs?

Classic C1 Junior - I like the lower price and the relatively small size of it. It can suck in a medium cat if required.

We have cat and dog meile and I'm loving it.

But what makes it or any ho

Arrgh!! ..is the brush rollers..

I'm thinking of the c1 for upstairs.

OP, my Sebo is an upright so can’t comment on the complexities of your splinter model. My I adore it, plain and simple. I’m glad though you’ve got your technical woes sorted now.

I read this to see if it was my husband posting. We use a shark cordless someone recommended. Its pretty much useless, refusing to pick up the tiniest bits of lint. We did have a corded Sebo which was brilliant, but blew up. I think someone said it's all to do with European regulations that they can't use as much power now, hence the suckiness is very poor compared to old ones 😟That said I've never had one blow before!

My old one blew up after vaccing soot from the chimney so I emailed miele and they gave me a 50% coupon for a new one and free bags.
I love them.
and after vaccing the blown up one with the new one and replacing a thermal switch it works again (but still leaves the odd sooty streak so lives in the shed)

I got a cordless Hoover and the floor brush thingy just gets constantly bunged up with hair - looking at you dd2 ( and myself )
Surely that's a design fault ?
Shouldn't a Hoover hoover up hair ?
It's a pain in the a*se to empty too.
Grrrrrrrrr

It can suck in a medium cat if required

Howling here. (This is why I love MN!) 😂

Not at all helpful to you I'm afraid OP but I have discovered that the circular bristly upholstery brush is brilliant for getting the loose hairs off a fabric dog bed! My collie is moulting at the mo and they don't half stick to the bed but I found this attachment works really well! Never tried it before!

If you ignore it long enough someone else does the vaccing