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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Met his exp... we chatted ... am I naive to believe her?

31 replies

recyclemybot · 21/09/2022 14:14

We are on a break. We havent been getting on as life has become incredibly stressful for lots of different reasons.We had a massive barney and he bolted but came back to talk a week later.
He didn't respond to me at all during this time even though I pleaded to sort things out.
We met and spoke but again had a massive row.
We are deeply incompatible it seems.

I then met his exp of years.

She is lovely and asked how things were between me and P.
I told her things were bad and she seemed to have guessed that he did indeed ignore me and not respond until he was ready.
The similarities were eerie.

She described him as breaking her soul because he was cold and mean and unloving when they fought.

How she begged and pleaded for comms but none forthcoming until he decided.
One day, she had enough and knew it was over.
He then ran, begged and pleaded but to her great respect, she refused to have him back.
He broke down.
I met him a year later.
He said she was controlling and he was afraid of her.
She said she lost who she was when with him.

His actions right now seem to match her description of ignoring me until he is ready but he won't get any good from me when he does.
His ability to freeze me out is frightening. Unloving and absolute lack of empathy.

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 21/09/2022 14:17

Believe her.

My best friend was dating my ex when we met each other. Funnily enough, he is long gone and we are still friends.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 21/09/2022 14:17

Maybe you are in the midst of a lucky escape

Whatever the absolute truth his current actions are not something I could live with. Could you?

Backtonormalnow · 21/09/2022 14:18

Well you didn’t need her to tell you that did you as you have already found it out for yourself.

Vapeyvapevape · 21/09/2022 14:20

Yes absolutely believe her , she's being proved right by how he's behaving now after all .

Dotjones · 21/09/2022 14:32

Don't believe her, believe yourself. You know what you think of him.

ihatethecold · 21/09/2022 14:36

Why would she make it up? What would she gain from that?

Imogensmumma · 21/09/2022 14:37

My DP spun all these tales about his ex and how she was apparently controlling and mean years later I’m starting to see the reasons she was like this as I too am dealing with a man child

I would be inclined to say she is right and she has been there done that

mamabear715 · 21/09/2022 14:38

Believe her, she's got nothing to gain.

ShandaLear · 21/09/2022 14:39

The silent treatment is a form of abuse. Listen to her.

HardLanding · 21/09/2022 14:40

YADNBU. This is typical emotional abuse.

Clarinet1 · 21/09/2022 14:40

I have to say it does sound as though he is repeating a pattern with you, OP, as people in a dysfunctional rut will so unless they get some help, such as therapy. But he must take the first step on that - it’s not your job to “fix” him.

pigsDOfly · 21/09/2022 14:41

Why would it be naïve to believe her when he's behaving the same way towards you?

Sounds like she was trying to help you not to go through what she went through.

Believe her and get rid of him.

FOJN · 21/09/2022 14:42

I've only ever been close to one person who lacked empathy, it's not a good sign, save yourself a lot of heartache and end it. People like that are frightening.

As a PP says you have your own experience so you do not need ex P's experience to validate your own. Even if her experience was completely different to yours it wouldn't mean you were wrong.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 21/09/2022 14:42

He's already showing you that she's right.

Angelinflipflops · 21/09/2022 14:44

The exes are always 'mad' or 'controlling'

OrlandointheWilderness · 21/09/2022 14:45

God he sounds like my XH! 😂

picklemewalnuts · 21/09/2022 14:45

Massive rows, big barneys, and "He didn't respond to me at all during this time even though I pleaded to sort things out"

You'll also be described as controlling and volatile.

It's his word for 'women who don't put up with me'.

ThanksAntsThants · 21/09/2022 14:56

Man does X to partner and it makes partner feel awful.

Partner meets man’s ex.

Ex tells man’s partner man did X to her as well, and it made her feel really awful as well.

Man’s partner wonders whether to believe ex or not.

What do you think? Seems like the biggest no-brainer in history to me.

MRSE20 · 21/09/2022 14:59

“His actions right now seem to match her description of ignoring me until he is ready but he won't get any good from me when he does.

His ability to freeze me out is frightening. Unloving and absolute lack of empathy“

I would believe her and definitely you do not want to be with someone who you think the above of x

BatteryPoweredMammy · 21/09/2022 15:07

Good grief. Relationships aren't meant to be this difficult.

If you're not enjoying being in each other's company, break up and enjoy making new friends.

Pumpkinsnearlyready · 21/09/2022 15:07

She has already walked in your shoes op. Ltb.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2022 15:09

You don't need her testimony for proof. It's happening right in front of your eyes. Raise the bar and stop chasing this arsehole.

10HailMarys · 21/09/2022 15:10

You should absolutely believe her. You're already seeing the evidence anyway from the way he's behaving in your own relationship. Run for the hills.

billy1966 · 21/09/2022 15:10

She has kindly given you a gift.

Why would you be silly enough to reject it.

Believe her.

diddl · 21/09/2022 15:14

He treats you like shit.

Isn't that all that matters?

Although I'm not sure why you would doubt that he also treated his ex badly.