Autistic DS, meltdown on bus. Did I handle this badly?

[Bus5]

I've just been to collect my DS from school, he's 4 and a new starter on a staggered timetable to help ease him in (he has autism)

So we were on the bus heading home and on gets a man who is either mentally ill or high on drugs. He was shouting to himself, gesticulating and swearing. DS is sitting on the back seats and this man goes and sits on the same row near him with one seat between them, still calling out and gesticulating.

I ask DS to please come and sit with me, two rows infront. He refuses. I use a firmer tone and say DS please come and sit here now. He refuses. He becomes upset and I can see a meltdown pending so I take him by the hand and get off at the upcoming stop, still quite a way from home.

Full meltdown.

Did I do the wrong thing? How would you have handled it?

Ah OK understandable. I'll bare that in mind going forward.

@bus5 I doubt you'll find many people who would want to sit next to a random child on a bus. Children are naturally inquisitive, chatty and it's lovely, but I don't need to be entertaining someone else's child on a bus because their parent has chosen not to sit with them. Frankly, that's cheeky fuckery.
I love kids, have my own, one with Sen and you handled the situation very well. But I would sit with him in future.

Maybe try a social story? Like if the bus is quiet we can sit where we want because it's easy to reach each other /be safe/ etc but if more people get we need to sit together and add in something about sometimes other people need space and I might have to move (like a lady with a baby, a person using crutches, someone not happy etc)

And use terms that won't be offensive if repeated out of context

Why would you leave a 4 year old unattended on a bus?! Especially in a different row! I wouldn't sit in that row at all. A man certainly can't sit there.

no one wants to be the nearest adult to a toddler unless it's their own. What if they have a meltdown?

Yanbu. Safety overrides the risk of a meltdown.
I know it's hard to balance.

Nothing wrong with how you handled it.

I would have maybe encouraged ds to come sit with me by offering something fun or nice to make it more likely that he would cooperate, or maybe go amd ask him to budge up so i could sit next to him, but the way you did it also averted any drama, so its fine

I definitely wouldn’t want to sit next to a child sitting on their own. It’s just not comfortable, you feel a sense of responsibility even though they’re clearly not your responsibility.

And you don’t want to be accused of anything untoward - it just seems odd to deliberately sit next to a child (unless that was the only seat left).

I know that’s not the point of the thread, and if it’s a basically empty bus there’s not an issue with him sitting on his own - I just think the expectation for him should be that he can sit on his own but might have to move.

I don’t think you did anything wrong in the situation though.

Honestly you have my sympathies op. My ds is also 4 and has just started school. I told my dh today that I had a little cry in the car because during school runs I’m on eggshells. I have a really limited amount of time to get both of my children into school and every morning I fear a meltdown which means I’m going to exhausting, time consuming lengths to pacify him all of the time. I know if he has a meltdown they will both be late for school. Yesterday I had to put him in a pushchair in his school uniform and people were looking, I didn’t like it but we do what we have to to get by.

The meltdowns are hard to prevent because you can't control every situation. You did the best you could with the situation at hand.

You did the best you could but again sitting alone at 4yrs old unless he's right at the back and there's literally no-one sitting in the rows between where he is and you are was only going to last so long. You did well to recognise an incoming meltdown. It's tough but I think you did well.

Sounds like you handled the meltdown well but I’d never let a 4YO sit separately on a bus. As you found out, it can go wrong quite quickly if a weirdo gets on. People don’t want to sit next to a random kid. If the bus got busy you would struggle to see them. Just nope.

I do agree, with hindsight I should have sat next to him.

It's easy to take something for granted (empty or almost empty busses) and get complacent until an issue arises. We've probably been lucky to avoid something like this until today.

Yes you have been lucky, the buses will be packed once he starts full time trust me! All the other children will be getting on and our local bus the secondary kids get on as well so having a child with asd at the end of a packed bus alone who could have melt down and you can’t easily get to them wouldn’t be a good idea.

Have you tried things like the travel sickness bands to see if they help you at the back?

Some people are seriously weird!
How likely is it that an aggressive person with mental health problems gets on a bus and tries to sit next to a four year old? Once in a lifetime chance maybe? Yet you have to sit next to them at all times just in case.

You sound like you're doing really well. You saw the problem, removed your DS, explained the situation that sitting next to an angry man wasn't safe to him. He may have had a melt down, but part of the message may have got through - calmly walk away if you see danger. He may also have started to see the boundary - stay with me or we get off the bus. Now you're considering how to limit future problems including sitting together as a rule for buses.

I’d have done the same op. I have a child with SEN and sometimes for his own safety (and others) I have to remove him from the situation. I know there’ll be a massive meltdown but it’s the right thing to do at the time.

It’s not just that, it’s if the bus becomes busy and crowded Op won’t easily be able to see her son let alone get to her son if he has a meltdown! Once ops child is on full days the bus is likely to get very busy, have you ever travelled on a bus during school hours ?! 🤣🤣 right now it’s quiet as ops child isn’t on full days yet that won’t be the case forever

Autistic mum to an autistic 3yo. My LO doesn’t have ‘special needs’ as she’s like the rest of her family. As we get each other we really have big clashes that lead to huge emotions.

Idhave gone up to her, held her had and said do you want to sit with me. If it was a no I’d have made sure I was sat at the end of row and turned so I could see her all the time.

My daughter loves rougish types and is always drawn to a group of druggies if they happen to be on a park where visiting, so I’d expect she’d find this person to be fascinating,

You did just fine. Shame on the bus company allowing drugged up and aggressive people on the bus.

No I think you did good. Sometimes meltdowns are inevitable. Either your son didn't recognise the issue with the man. Or, which often happens with my autistic self, he "retracted into his turtle shell" in a difficult situation and couldn't.

A good idea I think would have worked with myself as a child and that I'll implement with my own DS. Is having a code word that means "something is happening. I need you to do what I'm asking and I'll explain later" because if he didn't understand why you asked him to move then he's not going to. Also explain to him afterwards why you had asked him and why that man wasn't safe.

The back seat of the bus can be a no go area, unfortunately. Maybe try to explain this in an age appropriate way?

You did what you thought was the right thing in order to protect your child.

so you were 100% right.