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AIBU?

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Original poster

Autistic DS, meltdown on bus. Did I handle this badly?

73 replies

Bus5 · 21/09/2022 11:41

I've just been to collect my DS from school, he's 4 and a new starter on a staggered timetable to help ease him in (he has autism)

So we were on the bus heading home and on gets a man who is either mentally ill or high on drugs. He was shouting to himself, gesticulating and swearing. DS is sitting on the back seats and this man goes and sits on the same row near him with one seat between them, still calling out and gesticulating.

I ask DS to please come and sit with me, two rows infront. He refuses. I use a firmer tone and say DS please come and sit here now. He refuses. He becomes upset and I can see a meltdown pending so I take him by the hand and get off at the upcoming stop, still quite a way from home.

Full meltdown.

Did I do the wrong thing? How would you have handled it?

OP posts:
Bearsporridge · 21/09/2022 12:49

In the moment you do what you have to do. I think you handled an unexpected and unpredictable situation just fine.

Going forward, it’s worth thinking of building his resilience around changes to the routine. Sitting in his preferred seat everytime isn’t something that can always happen on public transport so prepare and reward him for sitting in a different spot.

Work on some kind of emergency “do what I tell you now” signal. You can make a bit of a game out of it too.

Autistic dc often need clarity, predictability, good reasons for making sudden changes. So thinking ahead about the problems that could occur on public transport/or in the shops etc, and then putting something in place before it happens (or before it happens again - we can’t think of everything) is always a good idea.

But it’s a steep learning curve, and some days you just need to be extra nice to yourself and just hang in there.

OneForTheRoadThen · 21/09/2022 12:51

OP I don't think you did anything out of the ordinary letting your 4 year old sit away from you on the bus! I do it all the time, it's easy to see where they are at all times, there's not that many seats on a bus!

Queuesarasarah · 21/09/2022 12:54

There is no perfect way to handle these situations. I had an autistic toddler and a baby often on the bus. Sometimes whatever you do, it was just going to be a shit moment. The best advice I have is to be kind to yourself so you can remain calm and help your child to regulate, which sounds like you did. Don’t second guess yourself now. Please also don’t judge yourself based on how others may handle things or what others might think. Until people have walked a mile in your shoes their opinion has very little value.

Lesserspotteddogfish · 21/09/2022 12:54

I think you did the right thing in getting him away from the man. It could be that there’s no window beside you to look out of in the back row that makes you feel nauseous. I find if I don’t look out a window when in a vehicle I get nauseous.

Always4Brenner · 21/09/2022 12:56

AmyandPhilipfan · 21/09/2022 12:06

I appreciate it is hard but if you have an unpredictable child who can't cope if you need him to move seats suddenly then I think you need to ensure that you are sitting with him from the start.

But as for getting off the bus when he was overwhelmed I think that's fair enough.

But she’ll end up nauseous if she does that at the back nothing worse either.

WillPowerLite · 21/09/2022 12:56

You did the very best you could. And it's perfectly fine to let him sit 2 rows away - that is very normal as kids are particular about where they sit, and it's not always convenient for an adult.

Macaroni1924 · 21/09/2022 12:56

I think you did exactly the right thing removing from the situation is always best. You may still be learning to navigate this but I can guarantee you are doing a million times better than you give yourself credit for. You know your child, you know what’s best and although I’m sure at times it can be very testing you are doing the best job you can. You’ve got this.

SpinningFloppa · 21/09/2022 13:02

What happens if the seats at the back are already taken? I’m assuming he sits somewhere else in that case?

whynotwhatknot · 21/09/2022 13:13

sorry i think you shold have sat with him

what happens if the back row is already full when you get on

ManateeFair · 21/09/2022 13:13

I’m not a parent but it sounds like you did the sensible thing under the circumstances.

I suppose the other option would have been to move him to another seat and let him have his meltdown on the bus, but given that the man on the bus was already agitated and angry, I imagine a raging four-year-old might have made that whole situation a lot worse.

Ihatethenewlook · 21/09/2022 13:14

Bus5 · 21/09/2022 12:38

Yes I did.

There was only me and DS on the (and towards the) back end of the bus when we got on. What's wrong with him sitting by himself on a then-empty back row?

Show quote history

But something did go wrong? A drug addict completely off his trolley managed to sit close to him, and put him in potential danger where you couldn’t do anything about it. This resulted in your son having a meltdown and you having to get off way before your stop. Would it not have been better to be sitting with your son in the first place, for his safety?

Pixiedust1234 · 21/09/2022 13:19

OP, there are plenty of lessons to be learned that centre around 4 Yr olds. They can still have full blown tantrums at that age.

However, getting him off the bus before he had the meltdown was absolutely the right thing to do. Well done for spotting the signs in time!

Pixiedust1234 · 21/09/2022 13:22

My first part sounds weird. I meant any 4 yr old can have a tantrum, with or without autism. So don't always let him sit on the backseat etc, esp if he has to have certain things. The backseat could be full one day, then what?

Original poster
Bus5 · 21/09/2022 13:26

When the back seats are full he sits on another seat without issue. It was the fact he was already sitting there then asked to move which set the meltdown in motion.

Why is the start of my post weird? I mentioned him having autism because it's relevant. Yes NT 4yo's have tantrums but generally not on the same scale of a 4yo with autism.

OP posts:
User287264 · 21/09/2022 13:29

Sounds like your strategy worked fine today op. You all got home safely and he had his tantrum in a safe place without causing danger to anyone or getting the other passenger even more wound up.

There's no right or wrong. What worked today might not work tomorrow, what worked perfectly yesterday might not work today.

I'd have let my ds sit separately from me on the bus in that situation if he'd wanted to. But then you hit a problem when you needed him to move and he wouldn't move calmly. You could get on the bus 25 times and that doesn't happen. You can't pre-plan for every eventuality.

SpinningFloppa · 21/09/2022 13:30

The poster means her own post sounded weird not yours.

i get it I have an autistic child but she is the opposite and likes the front seats however I usually divert her away from them as they tend to be the priority seats and when elderly people get on she is expected to move which she wouldn’t like so it’s easier to just avoid them, personally wouldn’t let a 4 year old NT or ND sit alone on a bus seat as you can never predict what will happen next there are weirdos who will get on an empty bus and sit right next to your child despite many empty seats 🤦🏻

2bazookas · 21/09/2022 13:30

There was only me and DS on the (and towards the) back end of the bus when we got on. What's wrong with him sitting by himself on a then-empty back row?

Well, now you know the answer. It left a vulnerable child open to other passengers who don't know his needs and may upset him with their own problems .

quirkychick · 21/09/2022 13:35

I have a 12 Yr old with autism. You sound like you did the right thing, he was going to have a meltdown anyway, at least he was in a safer place off the bus. I completely get that your ds has to sit at the back if there is a spare seat. I imagine if you don't he will have a meltdown, but it makes you feel sick.

Shoxfordian · 21/09/2022 13:53

Its really annoying when parents do this; most people don’t want to sit right next to a random kid who isn’t there’s so essentially he’s taking two seats not one and yes, the bus might be quiet but people are still getting on as it goes along

Shoxfordian · 21/09/2022 13:53

*who isn’t theirs

OneFrenchEgg · 21/09/2022 14:01

Mine would not have understood why he needed to move away from the man, so I would have tried 'Ds, the man near you needs some extra space can you come here/move to the row in front'

Original poster
Bus5 · 21/09/2022 14:05

Shoxfordian · 21/09/2022 13:53

Its really annoying when parents do this; most people don’t want to sit right next to a random kid who isn’t there’s so essentially he’s taking two seats not one and yes, the bus might be quiet but people are still getting on as it goes along

It hadn't occurred to me that people would have any issues with him sitting there alone, providing he wasn't being disruptive of course and i was keeping an eye on him which i do. People have got on and sat next to him numerous times without any problems. What is it you don't like about sitting next to a child on the bus?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 21/09/2022 14:09

@Bus5

I feel like they’re going to be noisy or fidgety - I don’t really want to sit next to some random child. I also think parents should sit next to them to make sure they’re ok and not feeling sick or anything. I’ve been on a bus before when a child threw up over themselves and random stranger whilst parent looked back and said oh dear. Not fun for anyone involved

Original poster
Bus5 · 21/09/2022 14:10

OneFrenchEgg · 21/09/2022 14:01

Mine would not have understood why he needed to move away from the man, so I would have tried 'Ds, the man near you needs some extra space can you come here/move to the row in front'

I think this was a big contributing factor with DS today, he couldn't understand why he was being asked to move.

To be honest I didn't know what to say on the spot as it was incredibly awkward. I was already on edge about the shouty chap and didn't want him to pay any attention to the situation.

When we got off I did explain that the man was angry and so it wasn't safe to sit next to him but by that point he was already past the point of no return.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 21/09/2022 14:11

Also by you not sitting next to him, it seems like you’re not that bothered about keeping an eye on him to me and he might be disruptive or annoying whilst you’re not paying attention - obviously you say you do keep a lookout for this but lots of parents don’t