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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my ex-husband shouldn't have come to visit DD?

28 replies

Wenjie · 21/09/2022 10:01

I'm going to preface this by saying we're in the United States and she's at university. She just moved in and met the people she's living with, and classes start on Thursday. He texted her that SURPRISE he flew all the way to be with her and he's staying a week. This is just a bad time and she had plans.

OP posts:
Cigarettesaftersex1 · 21/09/2022 10:02

How does she feel about it?

Original poster
Wenjie · 21/09/2022 10:04

@Cigarettesaftersex1 She called me saying she was near tears. She has anxiety and likes to prepare for things. But she doesn't think her reaction is from her anxiety. She thinks anyone would be flustered by this.

OP posts:
Cigarettesaftersex1 · 21/09/2022 10:06

Where is he planning on staying, that makes a difference, but he's still a bit unreasonable for dropping this on her at such an important time.

JonSnowedUnder · 21/09/2022 10:06

Depends what his expectations are - does he want to see her and wish her well before she starts, maybe meet for dinner and or coffee a few times over the week or does he expect her to spend all week with him? Also depends on their relationship in general I suppose.

GreenManalishi · 21/09/2022 10:08

I think that this is off, this period is not about hanging out with your dad, it's about striking out on your own and forging new relationships. That will be reasonably difficult with your dad in tow. I'd be pissed off it I was her, definitely. Not a fair position to put her in. A bit weird.

Original poster
Wenjie · 21/09/2022 10:09

@Cigarettesaftersex1 He has lodging at a motel, which I told her was very considerate of him. She was at first afraid that he wanted to stay with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wenjie · 21/09/2022 10:14

@JonSnowedUnder I guess you're right. We should just see how the week goes. Maybe he will just feed her and not have many expectations. They were very close until she was about 11, but then he went through some rough times where he couldn't be the dad she needed and didn't see her. They reconnected and started texting two years ago. She flew out to see him last year. She said it would be nice to see him this year. It's just a bad time and she had no time to prepare herself mentally.

OP posts:
Cigarettesaftersex1 · 21/09/2022 10:14

At lease that's something, he'll just have to fit in around her plans and if he has a problem with that then it's his own fault for springing it on her

Crunchingleaf · 21/09/2022 10:17

It’s not a time in a person’s life for parents. This is an exciting time for you DD and she should be busy doing all the stuff she had planned not babysitting her dad. The dad has made this all about him. I get he wants to be there for such a milestone, but childhood has passed and he could of arranged something with her before she went.

44PumpLane · 21/09/2022 10:19

It's a difficult situation as he's potentially doing a nice thing if his expectation is to see her maybe once or twice at her convenience and perhaps take her for her first big shop for snacks for her dorm room (for example).

But if he's wanting to be glued to her side for a week it's hugely inappropriate as this is her time to meet people and make connections.

Any way you can find out his expectations?

JonSnowedUnder · 21/09/2022 10:20

It does sound like he's sweeping in and not thinking it through - you never know maybe he can take her shopping and get her room kitted out.

I personally would find it difficult as my focus would be on getting settled and orientated.

properdoughnut · 21/09/2022 10:22

That's not a good idea. But it's not really for you to get involved other than maybe advise your daughter to say something like "ok but I had plans and am busy hanging out with friends so not sure when I'll get a chance to see you".

Original poster
Wenjie · 21/09/2022 10:24

@44PumpLane She didn't want me to contact him. She doesn't think he has money for taking her out to shop. But he might.

OP posts:
properdoughnut · 21/09/2022 10:25

Wenjie · 21/09/2022 10:24

@44PumpLane She didn't want me to contact him. She doesn't think he has money for taking her out to shop. But he might.

That seems fair enough. Seems well intentioned but poorly thought out.

Original poster
Wenjie · 21/09/2022 10:26

@properdoughnut You're absolutely right that I have little role in this. I felt so useless when she was on the phone with me and upset. There's really very little I can do.

OP posts:
properdoughnut · 21/09/2022 10:27

Wenjie · 21/09/2022 10:26

@properdoughnut You're absolutely right that I have little role in this. I felt so useless when she was on the phone with me and upset. There's really very little I can do.

:( I guess it's part of the growing up and learning how to handle awkward situations like that. Must be hard to just be stuck watching from afar.

10HailMarys · 21/09/2022 10:28

Yeah, this is weird behaviour on his part, even though he's staying in a hotel and not with her. This is the point at which she needs to be settling into her university life, doing stuff with new friends, getting into a study routine etc. She can't do that if she has to meet her dad for dinner every night or something.

If he'd a) asked her first when it might be convenient for him to visit or b) decided to take a holiday in the area during which he might see her for an afternoon or two if she was free, that would be fine. He could have taken her out for lunch, taken her shopping for some things to kit out her room or whatever. But turning up unannounced for a week is thoughtless.

Igmum · 21/09/2022 10:29

He sounds like a bit of a self obsessed idiot tbh. Lovely to visit, a lot less lovely to rush in unannounced. At least universities in the US start earlier so she's already had a month to find her feet. I hope he doesn't try to stick by her side constantly. At the end of the day they are both adults and there's not much you can do beyond encouraging your daughter to have an open and honest conversation with him along the lines of dad, it's lovely to see you but you must give me notice next time. Good luck

Original poster
Wenjie · 21/09/2022 10:35

@Igmum Her university is on the quarter system so it starts later than most universities, on the semester system. So she just received her key 9/20 at 2pm and then five hours later he texted that he was springing a visit on her. Tomorrow she is going to walk around to find her classes ahead of time and then classes start on Thursday.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 21/09/2022 10:49

It sounds very much more about him and his wants than what she needs, which is to meet her room mates and settle into her new routine.

I would tell her to prioritise what she needs to do and slot him in where she can. This is a crucial week for forging friendships and starting out so yes he needs to stay at a motel and no she can't meet him for dinner every night.

Original poster
Wenjie · 21/09/2022 10:51

@properdoughnut It is hard to be stuck watching from afar. I wasn't much comfort on the phone. I couldn't hug her.

OP posts:
properdoughnut · 21/09/2022 10:52

Wenjie · 21/09/2022 10:51

@properdoughnut It is hard to be stuck watching from afar. I wasn't much comfort on the phone. I couldn't hug her.

Be kind to yourself Brew

Ponoka7 · 21/09/2022 11:00

"But she doesn't think her reaction is from her anxiety. She thinks anyone would be flustered by this."

Not if they are able to assert their boundaries. Perhaps practice her being assertive? Don't let her think that it's rude to say what works and doesn't work for her.

sóhâ‚‚wlÌ¥ · 21/09/2022 11:08

It's bad timing - her focus is elsewhere.

However how bad it is does depend on his expectations - if he's hoping to set her up and understands she's busy that's not so bad.

I think all you can do is reassure her it's fine for her to focus on her needs this week and that as it's unexpected surprised visit he needs to fit round her not other way round.

andtheweedonkey · 21/09/2022 11:09

she just received her key 9/20 at 2pm and then five hours later he texted that he was springing a visit on her. Tomorrow she is going to walk around to find her classes ahead of time and then classes start on Thursday.

He'll have to fit in with her. She doesn't have to fit in with him. He should have warned her at least.
Get her to practice saying "Sorry 'Dad' I'm busy"
She has stuff to do, she shouldn't have to miss out on the first few days of meeting new people and making new friends because he's been a knob turned up.